Explaining a NPD mother to partner

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DoingthebestIcan456

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Explaining a NPD mother to partner
« on: March 28, 2016, 04:21:53 PM »
I'm finally digging into my childhood and relationship with my mother trying to get myself to a healthy point so I can be living the best possible life for myself not under the confines of my mothers judgments & manipulation to follow the path she deems as "right" but I am running into issues with my S/O as he grew up in a different type of abusive & neglectful home than what I came from, which on the outside looked healthy.

I am currently on a long stay with my mother & father (just over a month so far) to have some space to deal with my anxiety and behaviors that have been negatively effective my quality of life as well as my relationship, while being here I try my best to create and keep boundaries with my family, but after my mother got in my face yelling at me to "shut up" "grow up" and "get over" my sister kicking me out in an unknown city, while my M disconnected my phone line and I traveled from Vancouver, WA to New Jersey, with the help of a homeless man named Juice, because she "apologized" for it. But I am not "over it" I am not dwelling in it but I am not over it and don't feel as if my sister deserves my "Nices" especially after she continually shows her negativity whenever I try to extend an olive branch of kindness in whatever was I feel comfortable at the time ex: passive talking, sending bday gifts to her son.
And after this blow up with my mom my S/O didn't understand why I couldn't just fake being nice to my sister to keep the peace with M.
I'm not sure how to go about explaining the mental effects my family has had on me for over a decade and how I continually have had to put my feelings aside for others in the family, accept appoligies and give forgiveness in other people's time and not my own. And how me putting my foot down about my feelings is the step in the right direction for me and my mental health?

Kind of a jumbled mess of information but anybody have any experience explaining unhealthy dynamics to your S/O when they truly do not understand?

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Totallytickedoff

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Re: Explaining a NPD mother to partner
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2016, 07:51:10 PM »
I've tried explaining the unhealthy dynamics to H regarding his FOO (mainly my MIL) and he refuses to hear it. Gets defensive and demands we drop the subject, even tho he's the one who brought it up. I just need him to understand why I don't want anything to do with his mother. H claims I'm full of psychoanalysis, I'm making too big of a deal out of it and we should all just pretend we are one big happy family. Apparently he's cool with everyone being fake and brushing it all under the rug. I've tried to explain but it's an epic fail.
If you really want to explain it to your SO, you might try printing off an article from OOTF or other helpful sites and discuss it, giving specific examples about your situation. That might help for you. Meanwhile I have to keep my big mouth shut.

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xredshoesx

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Re: Explaining a NPD mother to partner
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2016, 09:05:38 AM »
welcome to the forum DoingthebestIcan456,

in my situation i had it a little easier because my husband is NC (no contact) with his biological father since the age of 18-ish, so it was easier for he and his family to understand why i had nothing to do with my biolgical mother. 

we are going to move your post to the 'dealing with PD parents' section to get some more responses/ validation from other members who have had similar things to explain to their spouse/ SO.


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practical

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Re: Explaining a NPD mother to partner
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2016, 10:13:46 AM »
Welcome to OOTF!

And after this blow up with my mom my S/O didn't understand why I couldn't just fake being nice to my sister to keep the peace with M.
I don't know enough about your situation, but I assume from my own experience that being fake nice will not keep the peace with your M, as this is most likely about the creation of drama. Maybe let him read about the Abusive Cycle    . The other issue I would try to stress with him, that this is a toxic dynamic for you, that has real effects on your self-esteem, mental health and more, and you are your own priority and your FOO comes second. Try to gently get him to accept that your well-being is more important than some fake relationship with your FOO, especially as it is fake and provides you with nothing. Have you explained to him at length what your families treatment does to you? Do you see a counselor? If so, maybe bringing your S/O in so he can have discussion with your T in your presence might be helpful.

As you are struggling with the demand of "forgive and forget" this discussion might be helpful to you: http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=48726.msg437891#msg437891

My DH comes from a dysfunctional family like myself and therefore really got my problems, so I don't have any real life experience with this, but this is how I would approach it. I did give him some of the books I read though, as his and my experience are different and it helped him better understand what I went through and the aftereffects on me to this day. Maybe check out the Out of the FOG-Books   to find something suitable.

More for yourself, to help you with healing and managing the situation as best as possible, check out the Toolbox     , look especially at the articles about boundaries and Medium Chill. They might both be very helpful to you.
« Last Edit: March 29, 2016, 10:35:04 AM by practical »
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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lydde

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Re: Explaining a NPD mother to partner
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2016, 10:39:39 AM »
It must be really hard with no understanding from your S/O. Maybe you need to ask him to be more sensitive and accepting of your feelings even though it's impossible for him to understand how you feel and why you feel it. Sometimes they don't realize how painful these memories and feeling are.
I was just yesterday trying to explain about my mother and the effect it has on me still today. It's really hard. We have only been seeing each other for 4 months and he is really sweet and caring, but explaining this and understanding is still really difficult. I talked a little about this in the very beginning of our dating and he said "maybe you should just give her one more chance" and I started crying. The tears just came out. It's hard trying to tell someone about something so painful and realizing they have no idea what you are dealing with and very little understanding. Yesterday I started talking about it again since we were going to have dinner at my moms house and I was feeling anxious. I think he learned from the last time to be more sensitive about this because he was really sweet. I know he doesn't know what it feels like having grown up with an ignoring unloving mother, but I felt like he really tried and wanted to understand and be there for me. But it is really hard to explain. I still have only told him a very little part of it all. And the feeling... I can't explain the feeling I grew up with and the feelings I still struggle with, but I tried to link this to the insecurities he has seen in me already. My constant fear of him not loving me.

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SunnyandBright

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Re: Explaining a NPD mother to partner
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2016, 02:28:52 PM »
I don't think people ever understand until it happens to them, or until they see the PD person in action.   It isn't one or two things we can tell people, to make them understand.  It's a lifetime of many little things, and a few big ones.   

If you're keeping your parents in your life -- let your significant other get to know them, just the way they are.   Maybe he will find out all on his own....   

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DoingthebestIcan456

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Re: Explaining a NPD mother to partner
« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2016, 04:20:55 PM »
My s/o has made the choice not to meet my parents based off of what I have told him, and he is very frustrated that I decided to keep them in my life. After this trip I have realized so much about my family dynamic and how I don't fit in the way my sisters do, more than likely because of my moms and I's disagreement on religion with my mother as well as my lack of doing what she wants even with punishments and consequences.

I'm realizing I can't have my family in my life to the extent I have had them, because it is draining on me and everything feels like an obligation, and when I am around them it isn't a positive experience for me.

I feel as if my s/o is frustrated with me having to continually learn that my family hasn't changed, and continue to let them bring me down. He doesn't get the fog attached to my family relationship because he at a young age made the decision to not feel obligation to his family, but I just was trying to have hope that my family could evolve and learn to love & accept me for who I was.

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JG65

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Re: Explaining a NPD mother to partner
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2016, 07:38:03 PM »
My father with diagnosed NPD lived with us a few months and my husband caught on well before I did that we needed to greatly reduce or eliminate his presence in our lives. 

NPD is very difficult for people who have not been exposed to it to understand.  It sounds like your s/o is frustrated that you are keeping them in your life to the extent you are and at the same time saying that they are having a negative impact on you.  He's frustrated by the FOG that is drawing you in.  I think you are trying to fix a symptom and where you need to focus is the problem. 

I think part of your solution is working through the FOG.  If what you are getting out of the relationship with your family is more negative than positive, it is time to make a change.  I've been there.  Your s/o wants to see you break this cycle.  And, you have the power and it is in your best interests to break this cycle. 

Your family's behavior is not going to magically change.  You aren't going to love them enough or sacrifice yourself enough or say something that is going to make them change.  The first steps are recognizing and accepting that their behavior is abnormal, harmful and will not change.  Next, you need to make the choice about what you are going to do about it.   

I wish you all of the best in working through this.  I'm not quite at the one year point from when I realized I was in denial.  I'm still working through it, but I can't believe how much I've grown. 
Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences - Robert Louis Stevenson

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DoingthebestIcan456

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Re: Explaining a NPD mother to partner
« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2016, 02:40:23 AM »
I am trying to work through it but since I am basically living with my family it makes the coping difficult.
My s/o and I couldn't agree on a time for me to come home, I came back originally to seek counseling regarding personal issues with family and behaviors that were negatively impacting my relationship. Some behaviors I realized I had learned from my NPD m, and I'm actively working to modify those behaviors in myself, but once again living with my family makes going through these realizations and attempts to cope and determine proper boundaries very challenging. S/o is worried of me returning and behaving the same way as I was before, he sees me struggling with my family and connects this struggle to the one I was previously having, which was more going through a huge translation and needing to make sense of and deal with the FOG with my family. Which I didn't even realize was there.

s/o was wanting me to stay longer, but the more I'm around my family the more I remember why I distanced myself before my move with my s/o, and was sucked back in by my FOG. We have had one fight and one disagreement regarding my return, and tonight I finally purchased my return flight a few weeks from now.

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kanga40

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Re: Explaining a NPD mother to partner
« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2016, 02:54:31 AM »
My s/o has made the choice not to meet my parents based off of what I have told him, and he is very frustrated that I decided to keep them in my life. After this trip I have realized so much about my family dynamic and how I don't fit in the way my sisters do, more than likely because of my moms and I's disagreement on religion with my mother as well as my lack of doing what she wants even with punishments and consequences.

I'm realizing I can't have my family in my life to the extent I have had them, because it is draining on me and everything feels like an obligation, and when I am around them it isn't a positive experience for me.

I feel as if my s/o is frustrated with me having to continually learn that my family hasn't changed, and continue to let them bring me down. He doesn't get the fog attached to my family relationship because he at a young age made the decision to not feel obligation to his family, but I just was trying to have hope that my family could evolve and learn to love & accept me for who I was.


You could be bang on. Your husband could be pointing things out.  Perhaps you need to listen to him.  As children of PDs, we are trained they are the masters. But there are other ways of looking a things.  My husband could never understand why I rearranged my life for my mother.  I told him it was because we were a family and we were close.  He did and still does raise and eyebrow to this.  And while I may not like it at the time, he sees it more objectively than I.

I don't know you situation with your partner.  I do mine. What I'm trying to say is sometimes growing up with PD, we don't know there are other ways. And there is no good explanation for their behaviour.  And it's okay there is no good explanation.  It is what it is.  We just need to realize that.  Hope that makes sense.

k40

My husband said to me