Tell me about your parents who "hate" each other

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sharie

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Tell me about your parents who "hate" each other
« on: March 28, 2016, 07:03:03 PM »
My bpd mother and my bpd father have spent their 45 year marriag hating each other.  They complain to anyone who will listen about each other, fight with each other and regularly separate for a day or a week.  Threats of divorce are common, every day occupancies. I'm pretty sure they love this whole roller coaster and all the attention it gets them.  They are mid to late 60's. Do any of you have parents like this and did they ever divorce or was it always just a huge sick game?

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looloo

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Re: Tell me about your parents who "hate" each other
« Reply #1 on: March 28, 2016, 07:51:12 PM »
My parents never divorced (married in the late 1950's, my father died in 2009).  My mother is still alive at 85 and counting.  They were never affectionate.  My mother would nag and needle my father constantly, and my father would act disgusted by her, both in public and in private.  My father was very passive-aggressive, and also very depressive.  He would shut down, play the martyr, use the silent treatment, and several times a year when he really reached his limit, he'd begin raging -- usually around dinnertime, and it would last All.Night.Long.  Screaming, ranting, raving, suicide threats, etc. 

One time, when I was maybe about 9 or so, something pushed him over the edge, and this time, he got in his car and drove off.  It was just my mother, my brother and me in the house, and my brother was probably upstairs hiding (good thinking!).  My mother grabbed me, CLUNG to me like I was a life raft, and WAILED at the top of her lungs, "If he LEAVES, I don't know what I'll DOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"  I remember feeling equal amounts of frozen fear, along with complete revulsion towards her.  All I did was stand there like a statue, with my arms down at my sides, while she continued to hang onto me and WAIL....   

By the next morning, he was back, and as usual, none of the prior evening's events were ever mentioned.  A few years ago, when I was visiting my mother, for some reason, she brought up her version of events, saying that my father had once gotten very angry and she thought he might walk out and never come back, but according to her, this happened before they had kids, and it never happened again, because (paraphrasing here), "he realized he didn't really want to leave." I didn't argue or say anything to dispute her version (she was definitely "slipping" mentally at that point), but it was very difficult for me to listen to.  MY OWN memory was pretty traumatic, and it's never left me.  I've always had the impression (given to me by my father himself), that he ALWAYS wanted to leave, but wouldn't because he had too much integrity or whatever  :unsure:.

My mother also spun her version of events the day he died.  According to her, the nurse at the hospital told my mother that my father didn't pass until she returned to the hospital to see him, because "he wanted to say goodbye...."  Or something like that.  :roll:  Then she'd reminisce to anyone who'd listen about their grand love affair.  GACK!  :P

I never understood their truly twisted dynamic.  It embarrassed me, confused me, and I know now that it shaped my own expectations for adult relationships in very negative ways.  I know now that one of the many reasons I decided not to have kids was because I was truly afraid of "trapping" my partner.  When my friends were at the age when they started having children, I would marvel at their confidence and faith, thinking, "How can they believe that their partner will want to stick around?"  Pretty sad.

“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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NotHelplessNow

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Re: Tell me about your parents who "hate" each other
« Reply #2 on: March 28, 2016, 08:03:06 PM »
My parents have been married 50 years.  For as long as I can remember, NM has complained bitterly to me about my father and told me how horrible he is, even bringing up things he did when they were first married.  One of the main reasons that I went NC was that every conversation with her included a discussion of my dad's faults.  They have never separated or divorced but my NM has threatened to leave him multiple times when he was hospitalized and she didn't want to take care of him.  The only reason they are still together is because my father is very religious and getting a divorce is just not an option for him.  He doesn't complain to me about my NM but they would always fight when we got together. They can have an argument about anything.

It seems to me like they enjoy the drama.


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JG65

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Re: Tell me about your parents who "hate" each other
« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2016, 08:44:46 PM »
My NPD father and mother hated each other.  Finally after about 30 years of marriage, my mother left and they got divorced several years later.  My father financially imprisoned my mother, who was an active alcoholic until after they split up.

My father was emotionally and sometimes physically abusive.  Now, he rewrites history and has these self-pitying monologues about how much he loved her, he doesn't understand what happened to their marriage, they were happy....

It's infuriating.  Living with them was like living in the middle of an active battlefield.  I believe my father is incapable of living in a peaceful relationship.  He loves drama.
Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences - Robert Louis Stevenson

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freedfromchaos

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Re: Tell me about your parents who "hate" each other
« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2016, 09:59:08 PM »
My uNPD father has hated my uBPD mother from about a month after they were married. She did not fill his enormous expectations of tireless devoted care. He has complained to anyone who would listen since then. She soon found that he kept a secret from her- that he was deeply in debt. she had to pay it off to keep him out of jail.  She didn't hate him but thinks he is a stupid, useless lump. They seemed to thoroughly enjoy arguing constantly for nearly 60 bitter years. They are getting a divorce in their 80's only because another relative stepped in and moved one of them out of the house. Needless to say the divorce has been long, nasty and one or the other may not live long enough to check the 'divorced' box on any form. As their adult child I am utterly exhausted by a life time of their utter nonsense.

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Tell me about your parents who "hate" each other
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2016, 09:10:53 AM »
Mine are in their 70s and divorced, but still visit each other and try and visit me together. He didn't want to get divorced, but she was convinced he was having an affair and got him to sign the papers.

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daughter

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Re: Tell me about your parents who "hate" each other
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2016, 11:28:43 AM »
My NBM and NF marriage is nearing the 60-year mark.  Both parents speak disparagingly, and contemptuously, about each other.  My malevolent NBM is quite disrespectful and dismissive towards NF at every FOO Event.  They certainly seem to intensely dislike one another.  My enabler-enforcer NF "hid" via work, spending little waking-time at home, whether weekdays or weekends, and now retired, "putters" away from home to still avoid face-to-face contact w/NBM.  NBM complains nonstop about NF ("your father is an idiot"), and NF complains bitterly about NBM to his daughters and his grandchildren ("I stay married to your mother/grandmother out of duty; she drives me crazy", et al)  However, both NBM and NF present a "lovey-dovey" public face at non-FOO social engagements.  They are an excellent example of a npd-enmeshed marriage between a malevolent overtly NBM and a covert NF enabler-enforcer, both solely motivated by self-interest and self-image. 

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sharie

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Re: Tell me about your parents who "hate" each other
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2016, 05:54:22 AM »
Thank you for sharing your stories.  I see so ma to similarities!

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BettyGray

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Re: Tell me about your parents who "hate" each other
« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2016, 10:50:13 AM »
Oh my, I could write a book about this one!!

My parents have been divorced for 20 years but still live together as though they are married!! How f----d up is that? In 2012 my NF actually mentioned something about them celebrating their "Golden wedding Anniversary" and DH and I looked at each other like 'is he serious?'

Apparently they did it for financial reasons. In reality, they should have gotten divorced and split up when we were kids. But, NO they stayed together through THOSE years to torture all of us with their rotten, dysfunctional relationship model.

They so obviously hated each other. She was disgusted by everything he did and was super vocal about it: how he chewed his food, how he dressed, how overweight he was, how he flirted with other women, drank too much... she hated his taste in music, picked on him for how he talked (she liked to think she was much smarter than him or anyone else), hated his family... The list goes on and on.

He hated how "uptight" she was (and she was super, stick up the ass uptight), hated her phony friends (they were pretty phony), how superior she acted, how controlling she was... But he got back at her by cheating on her and publicly humiliating her over and over.

And oh, the FIGHTS. The nasty screaming matches. Never curbed or kept away from our ears. But of course when we would go visit her parents, they got along just fine - we were the perfect family.

What I couldn't understand is that they never seemed to like each other at all. Maybe at one point they did, but by the time I, child #4 rolled around, they had a clear disdain for one another. They had nothing in common anyway, but there was no enjoyment of one another's company, no reciprocity of respect or affection, no friendship, just contempt and vitriole. But they stayed together "for the kids." HA! They stayed together because my mother didn't want the disgrace of a divorce.

If anything good came of their mutual hatred, it was that I made a promise to myself that I would look for a mate and only marry someone I actually liked spending time with and with whom I had a lot in common. DH and I were friends first and are still friends. My parents still hate each other but are old and resigned to it. Their toxic relationship has poisoned everyone around them and my siblings are all alone.