Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff

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Orangeblossom77

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Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff
« on: March 29, 2016, 09:13:35 AM »
My dad was visiting and my husband noticed he's gone in his study and looked through his bills etc in the table. He just does this kind of stuff. Does anyone else have this kind of stuff with their parents.

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daughter

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Re: Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2016, 11:20:24 AM »
My NBM would read our mail and listen to our voicemail messages on answering machine, and patrol our home giving the surfaces the "white glove" inspection, remarking on what she liked ("I'll take that if you give it to me" and "when did you get this; this I like") and disliked ("why did you do this" and "why don't you do that" - in effort for me to duplicate her middlebrow old-lady decorating taste).  Both NBM and NF believed they had 24/7 access to our home, would visit uninvited without prior notice, and expect us to "drop everything" to host and entertain them.  "Your stuff is our stuff" seems to have been operative word.  Yes, no boundaries whatsoever.

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all4peace

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Re: Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2016, 12:31:49 PM »
Absolutely. Entering our house without advance warning (including knocking), taking tools without asking, reading things laying on our counter, asking our kids intrusive questions regarding our parenting decisions, "demanding" photos of our trips while we're on vacation, and more that I'm sure I'm forgetting. All while treating H like a subpar human being who didn't get the family support and attention, and had it rubbed in his face on a regular basis.

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2016, 01:31:47 PM »
Yes, sounds familiar. When he knows we don't allow my mum in, my dad had been told this and knew, but he let her in anyway! And also, he has managed to get into our flat presumably by ringing the other buzzers and getting someone else to let him in the main door, or possibly hanging around outside till someone went in or out. Unbelievable. I also get the old lady stuff, with me it's gifting me old lady shoes or catalogues from places like Hotter or Scholl.

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2016, 01:33:16 PM »
Thing is, what can you do when they're this intrusive? How can boundaries help? It has actually caused a few problems in my marriage as husband doesn't understand it. Well neither do I, but anyway.

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VividImagination

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Re: Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2016, 01:53:43 PM »
Thing is, what can you do when they're this intrusive? How can boundaries help?

Dad, you went through our personal papers last time you were over. That is completely unacceptable. If that ever happens again it will be the last time you set foot in our house.

He will argue that he NEVER did, to which you reply, "Well then...It won't be a problem, will it?"

And then make it obvious he's being watched like a hawk.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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all4peace

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Re: Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2016, 02:12:12 PM »
Thing is, what can you do when they're this intrusive? How can boundaries help? It has actually caused a few problems in my marriage as husband doesn't understand it. Well neither do I, but anyway.
First, I asked them to stop coming over without warning. Then I repeated myself. When we left on vacation, I checked locks on all doors and "booby trapped" the doors. They were opened while we were gone. We changed the locks, called the police, and let ILs know that in casual conversation. I no longer leave bank statements or anything personal lying around if they're going to be here. When MIL dropped in again recently without my knowing it, I told her to please not do that again. When SIL asks obnoxious and intrusive questions, I WILL find a good response next time such as "What an interesting thing to ask!" and then change the subject or something. When they request things they are not entitled to (our trip photos when we're barely speaking) I ignore them, wait it out, and find ways to not share something I do not want to share with them. When they took my kids into the basement for "photos with grandma," itself highly unusual, I followed them down there and stayed until they came back upstairs to where the rest of our company was. When they used to listen in on phone conversations when H and I were dating (the days of landlines), I would ask who was on the phone and wait until the other line was hung up. When MIL kept impersonating FIL on his messaging, pretending to be him while having conversations with me, I repeatedly asked her to stop and finally stopped using that messaging at all.

It was all in range from scary to terrifying for me to set these boundaries, and now it's basically just annoying having to do so (no more fear), but they have to be set. People who don't share our concept of boundaries will NOT suddenly start respecting them. They will need to be shown the boundaries over and over and over. How kindly and gently you choose to do that may be a factor of your personality and how much you want this relationship to work, etc. In the beginning, I did it with LOTS of JADE (for example, "please don't come unnanounced for xyz reasons, and please don't feel hurt by this for xyz reasons, and it's my fault for not telling you sooner for xyz reasons....") These days, I simply say "Please don't show up without notification." Period. Whatever uN/BPDmil says in response goes unanswered.

Boundaries help because when someone is violating your space or privacy, it feels bad. It causes anger and resentment, fear and anxiety. You get to decide your own life, home and space. YOU decide what you can live with. Just as THEY can decide what they can live with. You don't have to share the same boundaries. For example, my ILs would probably be fine if we were on their property whenever we wanted. Good for them. It's not my preference, and I get to decide that for my life.

When you don't define your boundaries, others genuinely cannot know something is upsetting you. If you let them know it's a boundary (thank you so much for not reading my mail, for example), then how they respond to that will tell you a lot. It will tell you if they're someone who innocently crossed an unspoken boundary and simply didn't know it, or if they're someone who cannot be corrected without anger. Their response will tell you a lot of information. Of course, none of us likes to be corrected, so maybe they'll be a little uncomfortable, especially if this is new for you to set boundaries, but over time if they're healthy they will adjust and respect your boundaries and the relationship should head back to normal. If it changes for the worse dramatically, then you've got some more information.

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2016, 02:38:14 PM »
Wow. I think I have just been denying having to deal with these things. Mine live far away which makes it easier. It is hard having to do these things isn't it. Especially when stressed out from them in the first place. I guess with time it gets easier.

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BettyGray

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Re: Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2016, 10:04:40 PM »
Kind of a humorous (in retrospect/horrifying at the time) boundary cross:

One time my NParents were visiting and we went to my MIL's house for dinner. After dinner we were all sitting out on the deck enjoying a nice summer evening. My NPD/BPD father got up to go inside to the restroom (or so we thought). DH and I looked in the window and saw him go in MIL's refrigerator and drink milk STRAIGHT FROM THE CARTON!! He put it back and came back outside like nothing happened!! Luckily no one else saw but DH and I were floored at the disgusting NERVE of this man!!

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VividImagination

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Re: Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2016, 11:30:17 PM »
Kind of a humorous (in retrospect/horrifying at the time) boundary cross:

One time my NParents were visiting and we went to my MIL's house for dinner. After dinner we were all sitting out on the deck enjoying a nice summer evening. My NPD/BPD father got up to go inside to the restroom (or so we thought). DH and I looked in the window and saw him go in MIL's refrigerator and drink milk STRAIGHT FROM THE CARTON!! He put it back and came back outside like nothing happened!! Luckily no one else saw but DH and I were floored at the disgusting NERVE of this man!!

 :barfy:
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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Arya

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Re: Lack of boundaries with husband and his stuff
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2016, 01:39:53 AM »
Totally relate to the lack of boundaries and entering your home, getting into your things. I swear, this behavior really tells you at once you are dealing with a PD not a garden variety pain in the rear. Every PD I've ever met has this bizarre cpulsion to invade others property and privacy w impunity.

I was once reading a magazine with an article/ factoids on what percent of readers say they look thru other people's bathroom cabinets when they use their loo. Horrified I said out loud, thats awful. Why would anyone want to riffle ghru your bath cabinet and toiletries??? My mom said : I do that. I want to know what they have. I said: what? Why? Tampons , make up, TP why do you care what's in their cabinet? My mom says: I just like to know.

She also riffles thru any other things, drawers etc if no one is looking. Kind of like a shoplifter, she frequently takes something. Apparently not something you'd care or really notice....I discovered when I visited her house after not being their for years and came across that shirt I haven't seen in ages, what? So that's where that oven MIT disappeared to. OMG...is that the lip gloss that vanished 15 years ago???

My mom also is a border....hence the hoard of purloined artifacts from other people's homes.