How to do it- go NC

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Orangeblossom77

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How to do it- go NC
« on: March 29, 2016, 09:25:43 AM »
After realising they won't ever respect any boundaries, i'm thinking of going NC.

But how to you do it, just start to ignore them or explain what you're doing? Any advice welcome.

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Miss Kay

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Re: How to do it- go NC
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2016, 07:21:24 PM »
This question is asked very often.  Check out some of the other treads of the same subject on this page.  People do it differently.  Some just have less and less contact until there is none while others go cold turkey and yet others write a letter saying they are through and want no more contact.  There are pros and cons to each so you have to see what works best for you.

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alonenow

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Re: How to do it- go NC
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2016, 09:42:41 PM »
There are so many ways to do it I just quit calling or returning calls eventually blocked their number and after a few months I moved to another city they do not even know where I live.   I tried the deep talk before I left And was met with the most ridiculous attempts to spin the truth I have ever seen.
Each person will have their own path.
Just ask yourself what do you want out of NC if you expect a CHANGE on their part ( that is what I had hoped for) you might be like me and find it just does not happen.  Some people have a hard time because some extended family may have to be let go too.   

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Smartone93

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Re: How to do it- go NC
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2016, 07:51:36 PM »
I agree, you have to decide what course of action is best for your situation, but I have a cautionary tale.

I told my uNPDM that I wanted NC, and she retaliated. She has an obsession with the law, and she tried to have me arrested, then she filed false allegations through CPS so that I would lose my school job (and come crawling back to her). I don't know about your PD person, but mine has the mentality "If I can't have her, no one can!"

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moglow

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Re: How to do it- go NC
« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2016, 10:49:46 AM »
OrangeBlossom, I'd start with a good review of boundaries - what they are and what they are not. Boundaries are about you, what you need, then how you respond. They are *not* rules for others to follow. Boundaries aren't the expectation that others will do what you ask/tell them to do - they are dependent on *your* response when situations occur.

Example:  Let's say your parents make repeated demeaning and abusive comments about your life, job, partner, weight, etc. Your boundary is that nasty personal comments are not acceptable. By all means ask them to stop, BUT when they ignore your request you step up and reinforce your boundaries. Either tell them or just decide on your response and do it. Every time.  You can change the subject, excuse yourself from the room, end the conversation, go home. YOU take it in hand and do what you've decided you need.

They're not going to like you standing up for yourself and may try to force a confrontation. You remain calm and stand your ground. Their treatment of you is not acceptable and needs to stop.

Yes, that's overly simplistic, but I just wanted to give an example of reinforcing your boundaries.

Going NC is a very personal, very individual decision. Some just cut it off and go, others gradually back away until there is silence, some choose very limited contact and withdraw from their expectations of a relationship. It depends on the person and the situation. Maybe start off with smaller changes you are comfortable with - not answering/returning calls immediately. Learning to respond rather than the immediate reactions so many of us have had drilled into us. Taking a big step back from the drama and expectations, and determine what is actually needed, if anything.

It's not easy and they will balk, but sounds like it's time to think about whats best for YOU.
"Expectations are disappointments under construction.  ~ Cap'n Spanky

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: How to do it- go NC
« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2016, 07:58:44 PM »
Thank you for your replies, all helpful.