Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.

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Orangeblossom77

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Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« on: March 29, 2016, 01:51:38 PM »
Anyone recognise this sort of combination in PD parents? My dad is submissive, possible asperger's...quite 'soppy' always saying how much he loves us all and my mum etc. Goes along with whatever she says even when benahiour is strange and damaging. A bit kind of vulnerable. Mum is dominant, shaming / blaming of me, my brother and dad. Thinks he has affairs and divorced him, but now doesn't let him move on; calls him for example so he can go stay and cut the lawn for example. He's lonely but 'will always love your mother'. Sigh. They are very exasperating and will visit together even thought they 'lose' each other as she won't walk around with him.

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all4peace

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2016, 02:22:06 PM »
Yes, in my parents and H's. I think it's called enabling :)

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2016, 02:35:42 PM »
I always wondered about how he goes along with her doings for example he often fact gathers about me for her. For example finds out the GP or work or whatever then she uses this info to make calls to them. it all is very strange. Feel cross that he doesn't stand up to her more. Why can't he see how bizarre it is.

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all4peace

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2016, 02:52:11 PM »
I always wondered about how he goes along with her doings for example he often fact gathers about me for her. For example finds out the GP or work or whatever then she uses this info to make calls to them. it all is very strange. Feel cross that he doesn't stand up to her more. Why can't he see how bizarre it is.
I think a lot of things become normal when a person has been around it for long enough. With my dad, he doesn't want to deal with the anger of not going along with my mom. Ditto for my FIL. He has stood up for me in the past but then tells me he gets stuck in the middle. That's how he sees himself--stuck in the middle. Maybe it's a male tendency to need to fix things, but I don't need either father to fix their wives. I'd just like the craziness and harm to be acknowledged rather than denied or normalized.

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looloo

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2016, 02:52:16 PM »
Yes, my mother was the domineering one.  Always stern, critical, disapproving.  My father was the submissive. He was very passive-aggressive, long-suffering, the "martyr". 
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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all4peace

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2016, 02:53:29 PM »
I do wonder if there's a component of the fathers looking really good and longsuffering. It sounds better than "enabling and weak." Both our fathers are very loved and respected, and yet if you look at what they've allowed in their families by not standing up to their wives and instead being quiet, humble and "peacemakers," it looks a little different.

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YvelCity

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2016, 03:02:49 PM »
When I asked my dad why he put up with Mom's garbage, he said that he would stay with her no matter what.  From that point on, I knew that in any conflict he would take her side and would enable her in any way that she wanted.  I always viewed him as 'weak', but desperately wanted his love as a child.  I knew there would be none coming from my mother.   My parents were such a closed loop that there was no room for anyone else, even my sister and I as children.  I think that he was in Mom's thrall to the end, but I also think that he knew it was strange and dysfunctional. 

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2016, 05:58:08 AM »
Yes, i can imagine he doesn't want to deal with the anger etc. He also sort of laughs it off when i mention it and says things like "Oh, I know, your mother!" (It's always "your mother"). He says things like he'll try and talk her round but 'once she's made up her mind you know what she's like"

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Totallytickedoff

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2016, 07:05:32 AM »
My H's excuse for why enFIL puts up with the MIL drama: "Well, he's the one who has to live with her." They've been married 50 years so I guess he's used to it. (Pushes it all under the rug)
Meanwhile SG SIL has left the family and they don't even know one of their grandchildren, despite living in the same small town. EnFIL diffuses situations but never properly stands up to her, even though I know it pains him to not see his daughter or granddaughter.

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2016, 07:15:31 AM »
I know my dad had a difficult upbringing himself (poorest of the poor, brother died of meningitis, dad in a factory accident) and was used to looking after his mum, then kind of got swept along by my mum. There's a lot of domestic violence in his sister's relationship now which she seems to out up with so it a kind of history of putting up with stuff. I guess they get used to it.

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zogo

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2016, 02:57:12 PM »
Oh how I can relate to this topic.

I'm an only child of an NM and an enabler Father. My childhood was a painful journey. A heartless, cold, overly dramatic Mother with explosive anger and intermittent violence. A father who appeased her in order to maintain some sense of peace and stability in the home. Me...scared to death, walking on eggshells, desperately hoping for someone to rescue me and take me out of the situation.

I remember social services threatening to remove me from the home (after she physically abused me and my Father didn't remove me from the house). I remember the social worker telling me that my Father was also at fault for failing to protect me. It made me see the situation in a whole new light.

So why/how does this happen?

After many years of reflection and speaking with other members of his family, I learned that my father suffered terrible abuse from my personality disordered Grandfather. All my Aunts and Uncles tell me he received the worst of the abuse.  It's so bad that he has actually blocked out most of his childhood. The man can remember almost nothing. At the rare family reunion, all my aunts and uncles will recall moments and talk about past events...my Father remembers almost nothing. He simply had to block most of it out to survive.

So I guess you could say my Dad was groomed for the job. My Mothers' behavior is somewhat normal to him.

He does realize she is extremely difficult. He is frustrated with her outrageous behavior. He is hurt and abused by her daily. He is estranged from me, his only child (we can only talk on the phone when she is not around). But even with all that....he still loves her and will never leave her.

It's a sick and dysfunctional dynamic.  I see a therapist weekly about it (ever since I came Out of the FOG 9 months ago).


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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #11 on: March 30, 2016, 03:14:02 PM »
There seem to be similarities here. It's interesting that all the ones mentioned are the PD Mum / Submissive dad. I, too think of the times he's 'let' stuff happen and it's not good, although I do also feel for them (my dad I mean). I remember the first times I started getting the silent treatment and rages from mum, as a young teen and asking him why and him saying he'd try and find out, but never coming back to me. I used to ask what I had done wrong.

Now, my dad's in his 70s and she's divorced him (but still sees him whenever she wants and he goes running). He's living separately and recently had a heart arrythmia problem. I went up to see hi without her, and it was OK. I stayed in a nearby hotel and met him for dinner. He comes alive when she's not around and talks more, not about her but just in general. I would prefer it if he came to visit me himself, but she asks herself along and he always does as she says. So they visit together and he's always silent.

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GROITSWITCH

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Re: Dominant / submissive combination in PD parents.
« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2016, 12:57:04 PM »
My lot are codependant narcissists , they collude and literally conspire to undermine you and therefore control their environment , as tight ,enmeshed and as impenetrable as a mafia crime family,
My autistic siblings never stood a chance , they will all be arrested developmentally and emotionally dependant on them if my parents get their way and they always did, which is me, out of the picture because i dont fall for the "show" that is their cosseting and juvenile attempts at parenting.
Its like they sre roleplsaying in extremis...
pda autism has been a diagnosis that helps make sense of them but the narcissism is the social effect.
7 narcissists and me,
not fun, .