When do I start being important?

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nirrti

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When do I start being important?
« on: March 29, 2016, 06:16:08 PM »
 I finally talked to my mother yesterday. I wanted to be able to express my pain to her. I also suggested that we both see a family therapist. Well, she refuses all of this and then accuses me of wallowing in self pity. I wanted her to be motivated by our relationship and it seems she just doesn't consider our relationship to be as important than I thought. If this was my brother (the golden child) she would've jumped at the chance for reconciliation. But since it's just me, it's not crucial to her. FthisS*T I'm so sick and tired of being devalued.

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all4peace

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Re: When do I start being important?
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2016, 06:24:12 PM »
I feel a confrontation with my mother brewing in my psyche somewhere. It hasn't happened before and may never happen, but if it does I think it would go as you just described. My brothers, however? She would move heaven and earth to please them.

I think it's our job as adults to find those people who love us just as we are, accept our warts and quirks, and just love us. It's been my work over the past year to learn to grieve and let go of those who only cause pain. Even if I still see them and interact with them, they no longer have so much power to hurt me with their words, opinions and behavior.

It's so hard with a parent as we do feel like they owe us a lot, and when they don't follow through...

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Malini

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Re: When do I start being important?
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2016, 07:50:14 PM »
hi Nirrti, it's so hurtful when this happens. This will probably be of meagre consolation and such a painful time, but I just wanted to tell you that I was my NMs favoured child.

When I began to set boundaries and say no to her, she turned away from me. She made no effort to renegotiate our relationship and now ignores me completely and it's as if I don't exist anymore. (A recent example, she approached me, my husband and our dog and only spoke to the dog and my husband - she hadn't seen me in 3 years!)

I'm not sure if it is a question of SG or GC, I think once we start standing up for ourselves and become our own person, separate from them, they can't bear it and think that by walking away, silent treatment, stalking, whatever abusive behaviour they can punish us with, it they will bring us back to them. It worked for them in the past and they think we will continue that pattern - Nope!

It's awful to realise that you matter so little to a mother, a person who should show you unconditional love. It's painful and sad. We must never lose sight of the fact that we are lovable and we have self-worth, despite the shunning message our PD parents are sending us.  :bighug:
"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

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Chase

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Re: When do I start being important?
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2016, 08:04:31 PM »
I went down that path with my mother. Hoping that she'd consider our relationship important enough to go to counseling either with me or without me.

Yeah -- it was a mistake. There isn't anything she's done. She's a loving mother ... it's all me with the problems.

I gave up on that concept.

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daughter

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Re: When do I start being important?
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2016, 09:28:04 PM »
As an adult, I experienced four "milestone events", in sense that something terrible/difficult was occurring in my life where supportive and empathetic parents were very much needed, to which my NBM (and to lesser degree, NF) was "an epic fail".  The day-to-day npd behaviors I could tolerate, their perceptible disinterest in my daily life beyond their own selfish interests was not of concern to me, their parentification and engulfing neediness was something I was ably trained to handle.  But when that handle of true crisis occurred, and that my parents, especially NBM, couldn't be bothered, that was an eye-opener, and validated my acknowledgment that the dysfunctional dynamic, my role as scapegoat and dutiful daughter excluded any "role at the table" of FOO Family's priorities of importance.

Here's the thing: my parents were absolutely okay with this dysfunctional dynamic, with me the functionary rather than the beloved child.  My parents aren't interested in "fixing" their dysfunctional relationship with me, or with each other, or with GC nsis.  They expected me to be "dutiful daughter", to selflessly serve, and to make no demands of them.  Those few times when I reached out to my NBM,  in obvious emotional pain and worry, NBM advised me to "get over it", that she "can't deal with it", and that I "shouldn't blame her" --- (not that I had, so noted, but what a revealing comment - no?)  Yes, NBM would "move heaven and earth" for nsis, but for me, she wouldn't get up from her chair to make me a cup of tea.  Fact.   

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Claudia

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Re: When do I start being important?
« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2016, 04:51:50 AM »
I get no effort from my PDM and never really have apart from the absolute minimum.   I got really upset one day and just told her that I wanted to feel like I was wanted too and maybe she could just make the effort sometimes to invite me over or ask me if I would like to do something instead of me always being the one to arrange things for her.  She said she would try and didn't know I felt like that,  so I waited and what did I get?  Nothing, a big fat nothing!!  I just thought to myself what a big mistake I will never, ever let her know how I feel ever again and that was it for me with her and she wonder's why because that and countless other things I have NC with her  >:(

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Bloomie

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Re: When do I start being important?
« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2016, 04:16:02 PM »
I finally talked to my mother yesterday. I wanted to be able to express my pain to her. I also suggested that we both see a family therapist. Well, she refuses all of this and then accuses me of wallowing in self pity. I wanted her to be motivated by our relationship and it seems she just doesn't consider our relationship to be as important than I thought. If this was my brother (the golden child) she would've jumped at the chance for reconciliation. But since it's just me, it's not crucial to her. FthisS*T I'm so sick and tired of being devalued.
I am really sorry that this is the response your mother had when you talked about your painful realities with her. I just finished reading a book called: Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud and your post made me think of something he says in his book.

"how do you know if entering into that process of change with someone is even worth it? How do you know that it is going to help? Havenít you wondered that sometimes? ďAre they ever going to change? Are they ever going to get better? Should I really keep working with them, thinking they are going to improve? Are my efforts to get them to change going to help anything at all?Ē

Cloud, Henry (2011-01-18). Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward (p. 119). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.

Something Henry Cloud points to that is key to determining whether they are capable of sustained change and self awareness is: "a personís ability to take feedback and make the adjustment." (p. 128)

and this: "The mature person meets the demands of life, while the immature person demands that life meet her demands." (p. 128)

So, in the context of your convo with your mother, life demands that she respond with love, attention, concern, and reciprocity to you and with careful consideration of your needs/feelings and adjust her behavior that is hurting you. Foundational requirements for close, continuing connection between the two of you. You get that, it seems she does not get that and wants you to change or carry the burden of her marginalization of you and keep the status quo that is not working for you.

Cloud's thoughts are that with a wise person talking helps. They take in what you are saying and make appropriate adjustments to their behaviors. With a foolish person: "The fool tries to adjust the truth so he does not have to adjust to it." (p. 133) And talking doesn't help. Limits and consequences may have a chance of changing the situation.

This is just tidbits, of course, and there is much more helpful info and strategies in the book which are applicable to all areas of our lives - work and personal relationships.

As you process this talk with your mom she gave you some really good information about how she views things. Hurtful to you and my heart knows this pain as well, when we recognize we are fairly expendable to someone we hold so dear and love so much. You are wise to take her at her word and believe who she has shown herself to be to you.

I would disagree with something you said... gently... I think you were heroic and filled with love when you attempted to repair your relationship and had great courage in opening up to your mother about your deep hurts. I do not think you made a mistake. I think you acted in love and kindness and gave your mother an opportunity to rebuild something meaningful with you. What a generous act. In doing that you learned where you stand and you needed to know this in order to know how to go forward with your mom.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and yet I am thankful you now know and can begin to grieve and heal and find a way of relating with your mother that is based on your truth and guards your heart. :hug:



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Smartone93

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Re: When do I start being important?
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2016, 06:42:52 PM »
This hurt my heart so much. I too approached my mother not long ago. I was careful to only word my concerns in ways that didn't cast blame and didn't show any anger or resentment. Her response was that it "sounded like i was messed up" and "I needed therapy" but I shouldn't "drag her into my personal problems."

It's so hard when you reach out for someone so honestly and desperately, only to be met with full-on denial and disregard. That moment helped me solidify my decision to go NC. If any other person treated you that way, how many chances would they get?

Nirrti, I hope that you can find some sort of healing and peace despite your mother. Remember though, that a wound can't heal if it's still being prodded at.

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fiona

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Re: When do I start being important?
« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2016, 08:24:13 PM »
Nirrti, I am so sorry :(  I send you a big hug.  I know this kind of  hurt all to well. Never being validated by a mother is to me one of the most painful things ever.  I have the golden brother too. I have tried everything I know to make my mom say that I am important.  I have given up.  We can't make someone care. I say we look to those who love us, who are happy when we are near, who care about our well being.  You are so valuable!!

 :bighug:


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bopper

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Re: When do I start being important?
« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2016, 09:10:41 PM »
It might be worth it to consider that your mother has a mental health issue.  The empathy part of her brain is broken.
She gets excessive pleasure from the part of the brain that is excited when she is in control or is in the spotlight.

Imagine someone with Down Syndrome...would you get mad because they don't think as fast? No, you realize that they have something programmed differently in their brain.

There is nothing wrong with you..it is your mother.   You can be mad that the universe gave you a mother with this issue. 

She won't change...she can't.  She isn't wired that way.   What you value...peace, equality, respect is not what she values.

Why aren't you the Golden Child?  Because you have caught on to her ways.  The GC is under her power and does what she wants.

So why spend energy tryign to change the unchangable?

Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.