Siblings

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Summer Sun

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Siblings
« on: March 30, 2016, 12:58:15 AM »
I have had a lightbulb moment. 

Yes, I recognize the dysfunction, the patterns in communications of blame shifting, deflecting etc, etc, etc.  I realize that as we grow stronger, more aware, work at healing, it impacts the the PD's.  They want us to change back to our designated roles, when we change, impose boundaries, the dramas ensue.

I understand, it is all about them (UNPD, uBPD), and, myself recovering from Codependence, that there is no point in trying to JADE.  They are always right, and unable to empathize that others may actually have feelings. (I've recently determined that what I thought was situational empathy, was feigned, for information gathering purposes only). 

The point:  I've always deluded myself in relationship to my siblings.  It never, ever, occurred to me that they did not love me.  I assumed they did, that they were someone who gave a damn, someone more like myself (Jewel).  Mistake.  How many times must I grieve the same losses?   

SS

"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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Poppy

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Re: Siblings
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2016, 06:31:13 PM »
 :bighug:

I know how you feel!

I had that lightbulb moment not too long ago as well. Hurt like hell doesn't it. The one person (or few) that should know what we went through, that we should be able to rely on, share our story and history with.... even they are lost to us. So sad. I'm still processsing, still grieving. Not sure if I've accepted it yet - nah I haven't :) It's a process...

Hang in there!
It's never too late to be who you might have been (George Eliot)

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alonenow

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Re: Siblings
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2016, 10:19:17 AM »
                  I think this is more common then we think in this sort of dysfunction. I have absolutely NO feelings for my siblings. I have never had any love or support from them either.  I am totally confused when I hear about a "sister bond" I have literally been closer to past co-workers.  The loss I feel in the realization that the "family" image sold to us in movies and TV etc are false.   

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all4peace

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Re: Siblings
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2016, 11:09:21 AM »
I'm so sorry. I've seen this from both sides. In my own family, 2 of my 3 siblings are very good friends, and I've gotten close to both my brothers' wives. We truly enjoy each other, taking trips together, spending time together. We can talk about anything, although we don't always do so.

In H's family, 2 sisters spend a lot of time together, and everyone else is pretty much left out in the cold. Even though H has one sister who is a great person they're still not close. He feels like he has no siblings at all. There is zero bond. Having been close to my own siblings, it was one reason I pushed so hard to try to create those bonds in his family. It took me 20 years to realize that it's simply not possible.

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Pepin

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Re: Siblings
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2016, 12:19:14 PM »
I agree.  For a long time I was in denial about this.  Before that, I was unable to understand what the situation really was.  Growing up my siblings kind of had life served to them on a silver platter.  I labelled myself the guinea pig accidentally -- when really I was the SG.  I paved the way for them to do better and have it all.  In turn, they are very close with each other and they live near each other.  Our birth order definitely played a part in our roles within the family.  I addition to being the SG, I was also a caretaker.  It saddens me that we were raised with different expectations....but it cannot be undone now.
NPD F (overt/covert) NC
DPD MIL (covert) VLC
FALLEN GC SIB
GC#2 SIB (covert) LC

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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fiona

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Re: Siblings
« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2016, 12:27:14 PM »
 Summer Sun  :bighug: I think it all goes along with the games and traps our N mom's play. Some children wake up, others stay in the fog. It is so true that when we start to take our lives back the N parent starts a smear campaign with the other siblings. It has happened to me. My case mom just LOVES her boys, they walk on water!

This past year my oldest brother started calling me about our mom. Wow I thought...I have at least one brother (I have 3 and I am the oldest) who understands. We talked 2 times a week and let our feelings out. He felt like I did....that our childhood was bad and we have a mentally ill mother. He called her a lunatic.  I was so happy to have him, a brother who I could share with. I'd never had that before. We talked about our dad who died at age 44 and how that impacted our lives. So open and it felt wonderful

I started setting boundaries with N mom, told my brother that any more pain she caused me I wouldn't have a problem walking away.  Haven't heard from him in two months. I messaged him..nothing in reply.... so I see now that he and my middle brother are caught in her web. My youngest brother is smart, he walked away long ago.

I don't feel I have family except my hubby, children, grand girls and one very beloved cousin who I consider my sister. She had an N mom so we can relate and help each other.  Everyone here is becoming family I never had.

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seekingmediumchill

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Re: Siblings
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2016, 05:04:32 AM »
Summer Sun, I came to a similar realisation after many years. My PD sister has always been in it for herself, and has sold, and would sell us down the river if her interests/lifestyle were threatened.

After years of being drained from being controlled, and used as an emotional crutch, the final straw was when she threatened suicide and implied it would be my fault because I had not given her enough emotional support. THAT WAS IT. I finally decided to start detaching and now practise a form of Medium Chill (although I lapse from time to time, to my great regret, hence my username  :P). She still calls regularly to try and regain that sense of intimacy, using statements/questions like, "You sound so tired all the time. Why are so you always busy? We don't talk anymore. I miss my sister!" etc. But I know I can't fall into that trap, because what I tell her will be used against me later. or I will be roped into some ridiculous time or money-draining scheme later.

JADE is a waste of time and energy because it is never their fault.

The only person they love is themselves. It is so sad. I wish I could have a "normal" relationship with my sibling, someone to talk to about our shared upbringing and memories of the past. I dread what will happen when both our parents are gone and how we will deal with the aftermath. I dread what will happen if she ever has a major illness and has no one else to turn to. I hope I can keep my children away from her sphere of influence, but she can be very charming and fun and you eventually have to let your children make their own decisions. But I can't think about these things too often or I will never sleep at night.

On the positive side, there is always the FOC, and they can be wonderful. My true heart's sister is my best friend from school, and we have daily, frank conversations that renew and lift my spirit. I hope there is someone like that for you too. If you don't have one right now, you are not alone. We are here.

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twilight83

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Re: Siblings
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2016, 12:48:51 PM »
                  I think this is more common then we think in this sort of dysfunction. I have absolutely NO feelings for my siblings. I have never had any love or support from them either.  I am totally confused when I hear about a "sister bond" I have literally been closer to past co-workers.  The loss I feel in the realization that the "family" image sold to us in movies and TV etc are false.

This is where I am with my bpd sister. I hear about sisters that have this great bond. They get together and chat, they share clothes, they shop together. I've never had that. I never wanted it with my sister. I never felt close to her, even during the periods of times when she decided that she adored me (those times were just confusing).

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FinallyPeace

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Re: Siblings
« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2016, 04:46:42 PM »
Yes, I recognize the dysfunction, the patterns in communications of blame shifting, deflecting etc, etc, etc.  I realize that as we grow stronger, more aware, work at healing, it impacts the the PD's.  They want us to change back to our designated roles, when we change, impose boundaries, the dramas ensue.

THIS ^^^ x's a million  :applause: :applause:

Since I have refused to be the SG anymore (and my NPD mother passed away), I've lost two of my sisters.  Well, really the one and I were the closest, best friends, etc.  After our mom got sick and this sister started spending a lot of time with the PD sister.  Some crazy things have happened and the PD sister and my closest sister are as thick as thieves.

It has been heartbreaking for me.  I am now closest to my other sister and brother (there are 5 of us).  My brother stays out of everything.  He thinks "everyone is crazy." :tongue2: Which he is right about.   :yes:  My other sister called everyone out on their bad behavior.  They don't like that either, so they have quit talking to her, too.

(sigh)  Yes, it is a process, like Poppy said.  It's like working the steps.  Make yourself healthier.
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
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"Red flags aren't party favors.  Don't collect them."
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FinallyPeace

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Re: Siblings
« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2016, 04:49:27 PM »
                  I think this is more common then we think in this sort of dysfunction. I have absolutely NO feelings for my siblings. I have never had any love or support from them either.  I am totally confused when I hear about a "sister bond" I have literally been closer to past co-workers.  The loss I feel in the realization that the "family" image sold to us in movies and TV etc are false.

This is where I am with my bpd sister. I hear about sisters that have this great bond. They get together and chat, they share clothes, they shop together. I've never had that. I never wanted it with my sister. I never felt close to her, even during the periods of times when she decided that she adored me (those times were just confusing).

I DID have all of this with one of my sisters.  ^^  It's sad now that it is just a distant memory of 41 years together.  I am glad that God has given me other family and friends to bind up my heart.
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
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"Red flags aren't party favors.  Don't collect them."
--Unknown