Escaping!

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Orangeblossom77

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Escaping!
« on: March 30, 2016, 07:11:52 AM »
Husband has suggested a great idea- we might get away in the Easter holidays to stay in a holiday cottage for a few days. Thus removing ourselves from the situation of impending visit from PD parents. (I have told them not to visit anyway so if they turn up we won't be here) and also i'll get support with the children while recovering from illness.

I'm feeling quite FOGy about it and it reminds me of being a teen when I used to run away a lot to stay with friends or whatever! However it will have the two benefits of me following through with the boundaries i've set and getting away for a nice break from it all. Might have some stuff from other family (angst etc) and upset but hey ho!  :wave:

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guitarman

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2016, 08:14:21 AM »
Hello Orangeblossom77.

A mental health professional said to me usually people go home for peace and quiet. She said if you have mental health issues in your family you often have to leave your own house for peace and quiet. I didn't realise that until she pointed it out to me. It's so true.

Best wishes for a peaceful time.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2016, 08:25:10 AM »
Thanks for your lovely replies- it is so refreshing being able to share these things without being worried about being 'guilted' into not going, as even some friends might do who don't understand properly.

What would probably happen it they'd make a fuss if I wasn't here are contact husband's family. Maybe not though as they caused a fuss last tie and got turned away.

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2016, 08:51:41 AM »
I'm not sure whether to tell them we're going away or not?

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guitarman

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2016, 09:36:30 AM »
GO AWAY!!! You need time for yourself to recover. You need peace and calmness. You've had SO much to cope with.

It's about you and what you and your husband and children want. They want time away with you as well.

We get caught up in all the surreal and bizarre situations. Simple decisions for us are so complicated. Other people don't understand what we have to cope with every day.

You could say to your parents "Thank you for your concern I really appreciate it but we are going away for a short break alone." Talk about YOUR feelings. How your parents cope is their problem not yours.

Don't tell other family members exactly where you're going if they can't be trusted not to tell your parents. They don't live your life. I don't lie but I don't have to tell the whole truth to people for my own safety and well being. That's OK.

You have to look after you as no one else will. Otherwise your health both physical and mental will get even worse. I know. Sorry to be so blunt but we sometimes need a reality check from others here who've been through similar situations.

I hope you have a great time away. You deserve it.

Best wishes for a great holiday.


"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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daughter

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #5 on: March 30, 2016, 11:38:11 AM »
I was "intellectually OOTF" long before I was emotionally-capable of acting upon that OOTF, meaning that I spent nearly three decades of married life (DH1 and DH2) arranging our lives to conform to NBM's expectations and demands.  And that included "spend all holidays, bdays, and most vacations with your FOO Family, to exclusion of DH's FOO".  That meant that NBM exercised "right of 1st refusal" for those holidays, bdays, and vacations, and only if NBM chose to make plans without me, was I "allowed" to skip that day's obligatory participation.  However, once our children were in school, with both DH2 and I working full-time, we began to plan schools' Spring Break as our FOC vacation, and travelled during that week, even if Easter occurred during that week, despite NBM's protestations ("BUT IT'S EASTER!!").  Had I waited for NBM's expressed approval, I'd be still living nearly next door to my parents, spending most days and weekends with them (and nsis' family), planning my vacations according to NBM's preferences, and living under the domination of my parents' and nsis' "needs" in regards to my free-time and services.

For those of us with NMs, it's a revelation to realize that we must live our lives according to our own needs and preferences, rather than our NMs dictums and expectations.  Yes, families actually do spend their vacations without grandma "riding shotgun", and yes, families actually do split holidays amongst the two FOO Families, or even spend holidays "on their own", without repercussions.  It's a great idea to spend a weekend, even a holiday weekend, with your FOC, without your FOO tagging along, without feeling guilty that you've "hurt NM".  Independence is an alien concept to our NMs, who steadfastly believe a true "dutiful daughter" prioritizes her life to "always please mother first"; we know that's wrong, an emotionally-damaging premise to enforce upon your adult children.  You've no obligation to "be home" for an uninvited visit from your parents, and if they arrive to discover you're not home, then it's "lesson learned".  If they call beforehand, you can say "oh sorry, but we won't be home, DH has surprised us with a mini-holiday".  No JADE; no FOG.   

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #6 on: March 30, 2016, 11:44:02 AM »
Many thanks, it does really help. I can imagine the story they would tell "She said she was ill and we went all the way to visit and she'd gone on holiday blah blah..didn't even say where they went" I may send the message as mentioned about taking a break but then know it will provoke questions about where and when. they do get funny about holiday without them, for example when I went on holiday in the safe stages of pregnancy I was told "It isn't your life you're putting at risk". Ouch. Really helped me enjoy my holiday that did! When my brother was going on honeymoon he was told "It's not all fun you know, marriage". So don't want any of that stuff. It's a pretty town we live in with plenty to do so they shouldn't be stuck for ideas to entertain themselves (not that they ever do)


Anyway, must let go of this FOG feeling like a kind of naughty secret, Husband has completely forgotton about issue with parents and just looking forward to a break. So glad his family is normal.  :blink:

Can you tell me what JADE is?

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #7 on: March 30, 2016, 11:49:32 AM »
Daughter, when you say it like that it all just seems to make sense and be so simple doesn't it, and it probably is to most people. It's since the children the holidays stuff has been an issue here, and yes we need the time as a (small) family, even without their stuff we need it anyway as has been work and illness and we need some peace and time together.

She does suggest terrible ideas like we all get a cottage together near some of her aged relatives so we can see them etc, in her home town. (shudder) It's never going to happen, although i have had sis in law mention it and ask what i thought as they were considering going along with it.

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guitarman

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #8 on: March 30, 2016, 12:11:45 PM »
Hello Orangeblossom77.

I was looking through the site and found the post in Working on us - Boundaries what are they.

It was taken from this site by Brian Grady and though it might be useful for you

https://briangrady.wordpress.com/tag/boundaries/

I did a short course about communication skills and we covered similar topics so it was good to refresh my skills reading all about it again.

I hope this helps you it helped me.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #9 on: March 30, 2016, 02:08:26 PM »
Thank you GuitarMan I'll have a look.

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2016, 02:12:13 PM »
The "I" Statements do look useful. In fact that all reminds me of a book I've got which is called Non-violent Communication, which is really good. I'll have a look at that again too.

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all4peace

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #11 on: March 30, 2016, 02:17:31 PM »
I did a lot of running away this past year, to spend time with supportive friends and family and get healed. It worked. I highly recommend it :) At some point a person has to get strong enough to set boundaries clearly and stick with them, but until that point running away was a great option!

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guitarman

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Re: Escaping!
« Reply #12 on: March 30, 2016, 02:55:17 PM »
In the communication skills course I did we rehearsed with each other what we were go to say. It really helped so perhaps you could rehearse things with your husband. Eye contact is recommended too looking directly at them. I find that very hard to do with my sister.

The more you do the more easier it becomes. It's hard to change your own behaviour but it can be done with good results. As an exercise we were urged to praise others in our lives by showing them appreciation for anything that they did and telling them how it made us feel. It's all about talking about your own feelings.

We also discussed power robbing language. How we can undermine others without even realising.

Communication skills are vital in talking to people diagnosed with PD. We have to be willing to change and do things differently but we need specialized help.

There is a free video course for carers on the NEABPD website entitled "Open Your Mind Before You Open Your Mouth". NEABPD stands for the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder.

NEABPD website
http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com

Hope this helps also.



« Last Edit: March 30, 2016, 02:59:08 PM by guitarman »
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author