Do the PD's have any friends?

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Rocket Girl

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Do the PD's have any friends?
« on: March 30, 2016, 08:02:06 PM »
Just curious for your stories.  My ex n/bpd had 2 friends, both women.  One was that kind of "go to in an emergency, friend", so he doesn't see/talk to her very often.  The other is a flying monkey.  she had a professional tie to him that turned to 'friendship'.  It was very one sided.  She adores him, he throws her crumbs once in a while.  He has called her a slut behind her back and says she's a tramp.  She has online dating accounts and I have heard her talk about more sex partners than anyone I have ever met.  She also is a N.  They both have OCD, and I once witnessed them spin themselves into a frenzy over a missing book. I had to leave.  They were running around babbling about where they had last seen it. Shit, I would have just ordered another copy off Amazon. 

Anyway,  big red flag when I met him and he told me he had a hard time keeping friends and that almost all friends he ever had were women.  I can understand why he was friendless.  We tried to be friends post breakup, but he had no respect for boundaries and didn't treat me well in regards to replying to texts, etc.  At one point he told me "I don't know how to be a friend".  Apparently.

So wondering if any of these peeps are Mr/Mrs Popularity.  Are they capable of maintaining relationships of any kind.  I know my ex screwed up the relationship with his only child so badly the kid is leary of getting back involved with him. Smart kid.  Hope he listens to his heart.
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LilyMarlene

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2016, 09:33:42 PM »
Interesting topic, Rocket Girl.  "Flying monkey"--haha!  Good term!

My recent XBF (still struggling to figure out WHAT he is; fits most signs of BPD...ALL of the signs of HPD) had ZERO friends, unless you count a buddy he sometimes texted, who he met through online gaming (XBF is in his early 40's---not trying to judge here but I've learned that a partner who is into this, is not a good fit for my active lifestyle). 

When I met him he was besties with his cousin (it seemed they were mostly drinking and gaming buddies), but he was so focused on me during our relationship, that this friendship waned considerably. I met cousin and his wife; they were not my kind of people---my impression was that they were vacuous, shallow, and heavy drinkers.  I didn't say a peep though.    I encouraged him to connect with his friends, because I believe in balance in all things. 

A side note: I have a close cousin...ex would sometimes interject and dominate the conversation w/her. He even flirted with her once, in front of me (of course, he was "joking") .  I chalked this up to my cousin being highly-sexual and liberal, and actually made EXCUSES for him.   (Surely, he was just trying to relate to her??)   But when he hit on one of my other close female friends who is NOT highly sexuallized, and is actually happily MARRIED...and yet another, on a St. PAtty's Day outing...I began to see the pattern.

HERE's something interesting:  I knew my ex BF's family, b/c nearly 20 years ago, I was close with one of his siblings. I remember them as a happy, tight-knit, ordinary blended family.  When I started dating my ex, I thought his family would be THRILLED for us.  They weren't!  In fact, XBF's stepmother actually sought out a mutual friend w/my own mother, and WARNED her about me getting involved w/this man! The stepmother advised us that he had an unacknowledged nearly-adult son, cautioned us that my new love interest had a history of mooching off of women, that he was uninvolved with his own (acknowledged) son, and that he had a history of (my term) "turn-em-and-burn-'em" relationships.

So, um...that was a shock.  I thought they were all tight.  He explained everything away by confessing an abusive history w/ex stepmom.  (I had not seen ANY evidence of this, and am still very curious to know if this actually happened, but now that we're broken up, I have to take a "not my circus" type of approach).

So, throughout our relationship, there was virtually NO interraction with his immediate family.  Not on holidays, birthdays....nothing.  His full -brother (who I would have thought would be his #1 ally, in a blended family) even made a few joking comments on social media and in text, about my ex "mooching" off of him, and owing him money from a year ago. 

Ex also made some references to receiving a large lump-sum of money about a year prior, that parents had distributed among siblings from parents.  Reading between the lines, this was around the time that parents sold some property...around the time when ex BF bought an expensive vehicle, and other siblings bought houses.  Ex said he used it to pay down some debt, but I don't buy it for a second.  This seems to be about the time that the family ties were also severed.  Interesting.  I would ask him from time to time, what he felt like the deal was (even implored him to make amends...life is short) but he never elaborated or took any action.

Some acquaintences tried to warn me of his reputation.  MANY more came clean w/me, once I had broken my ties with him.  Friends of ex-GF's spoke up...I even once encountered a perfect stranger who, upon learning that I'd just left him, advised me to RUN.  I now know ...if that many people are nay-saying....you really need to look harder for explanations that you might not want to hear/see.

Getting back to your question, though...his only long-term friendship/relationship that wasn't rife with ill-will (or, at the least, some discord of some sort) was that of him and his son, of whom he had partial custody.

My ex was totally charismatic, very charming.  He could walk into any place, and make friends instantly...never ill at ease.  He made a great impression on my family and mixed well with my coworkers, on the one or two occasions he met them.

He also made a point of befriending my long-term and closest relationships on social media...even if he hadn't been formally introduced yet. (I later learned why he'd done this, when he engaged them in triangulation, when things went south...so awkward.)

Just curious...of your ex n/pbd's monkey friend...Do you think they were ever friends with benefits? 









« Last Edit: March 30, 2016, 09:57:42 PM by LilyMarlene »

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2016, 09:52:42 PM »
Thanks for your reply.  I'm thinking these 'people' don't have the ability to maintain friendships.

He told me no that he had considered it but she's been around the block too many times and he was afraid of what he would catch.

I have many times thought he's lied.  I kept thinking, she wouldn't hang around like that if they had been involved, but then I think about how he broke it off with me and asked if we could be friends with the occasional benefits.  At least I was strong enuf to say NO to that.  We tried to be friends a couple of times without benefits, but every time he made a point of being seen by me with other women after he had crossed boundaries with me by hugging and kissing me.  We live near to one another so I'm privy to his comings and goings. Yuck.

Anyway, if I hadn't been strong enough to go no contact, I could see myself as one of his little monkeys.  Waiting between girlfriends to have him show me some attention.  Hanging out when he brings his new women around.  If she had been involved with him, I have no idea how she can step back and watch that.  Maybe her extreme narcissism allows it.   I will never know, and hope someday I couldn't care less!

I think he also used her to triangulate me as he knew I didn't like her.   
- Rocket Girl

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LilyMarlene

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2016, 10:11:26 PM »
My ex tried the FW/B thing on me too. 

At the time we met, he was FB friends w/his ex of supposedly two months, but when he and I became exclusive (which took approximately 3 dates, in a week) he immediately unfriended and blocked her.  He SAID it was b/c she was hung up on her.  After he'd latched onto me, he started sharing her texts w/me.  I THOUGHT at the time, it was in the spirit of full disclosure.  Now that I know him better, I feel there was an ulterior motive here...he wanted to appear high-desirability.

At any rate, it came out that she had spent the night at his new house JUST the weekend prior to him meeting me.  She felt very used and mislead that he had met someone so quickly.  He kept saying they only "hung out" a time or two in two months,  b/c they were lonely....they watched movies and he went to bed alone.  Pshaw.  Right.

I told myself that, whatever his life was a week or two weeks prior, it was different now.  And he put me on such a pedastal, it was hard to be jealous.  Arrrgh. 

You said he made a point to be seen w/other women, when you were amicable (just friends).  It reminded me of how, one time when we had a fight, I left my ex's house to avoid a circular argument.  He went out to the neighborhood tavern that night, and sent me a pic of his surroundings, said something like "doing what you told me to do"  and in the background, beyond his table and his drink, were the nearest attractive girls in what I presume is a dirty hole-in-the-wall joint. 

Of course, it was totally my misunderstanding.  He wasn't trying to make me jealous.  The women in the picture just happened to be the background.  UGH. 

Anyway...I digress.  I'm so glad that you and I both managed to stay strong enough not to be THAT girl...the ex that comes over to watch movies and hope for a little bone to be thrown our way.  And yes, I feel like that's a huge warning sign: broken friendships, or no close healthy friendships.  We may not be able to choose our family, but we sure can choose our friends.



« Last Edit: March 30, 2016, 10:13:33 PM by LilyMarlene »

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #4 on: March 30, 2016, 10:39:37 PM »
Mine told me he loved me and wanted to marry after two months.  It seems a lot of the relationships are that way.  Boy what a red flag for if I ever date again.  But I agree with you.  I was put up on a huge pedestal.  I was sooo smart and sooo loveable, and so valued, etc etc etc.  Until I wasn't.  Then the devalue stage where he started picking on me for things.  Threatened to leave then cried when I told him to go.  Push / Pull to the maximum.  It was driving me crazy and I was walking on eggshells all the time afraid I would say or do the wrong thing.  Lastly, the discard.  Suddenly we were no longer a "we" and he wanted to play the field.  Truthfully I think he already had someone online as he was doing this.  I doubt they are ever brave enuf to break it off if they don't have at least one spare in the works.   He is an expert at triangulation and hoovering.  In his mind I'm the mouse and he's the cat.   :(
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

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Oneness

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2016, 12:02:15 AM »
My exSO used to have a lot of friends, some he was close with for many years, until he went through a high conflict divorce from his wife (who was most likely ALSO a PD....). He withdrew from his friends...his best friend became his bottle of booze.

Like Rocket Girl, my exSO had only close female friends when I met him...never made any more male friends.

But all in all, he became more of a hermit and a waif borderline....I became his everything...best friend...lover...girlfriend...therapist....mother-he-never-had.... ::). You'd think since I was the center of his universe he would have treated me better...but in opposite land (the place BPDs reside), his fear of abandonment fueled even worse behavior that eventually drove me away for good.... :stars:
It's better to love and lost, then to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

If your presence can't add value to my life, your absence will make no difference.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #6 on: March 31, 2016, 12:12:02 AM »
Thank  you for sharing, Oneness.  Your ex sounds just like mine.  I became his everything until he told me I was causing him PTST because I made him remember icky things - like his icky mom. 

Oh well, learning to be glad I'm out.  :)
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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kiwihelen

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #7 on: March 31, 2016, 12:25:24 AM »
Our uPDs only ongoing friendship seems to be with a far worse N.
And that woman is distancing herself according to the latest Intel.
SO lost a lot of friends along the way thanks to uPDs behaviour. A long time ago when I met her she was just so unable to string together a conversation that showed any interest in anyone other than herself. I put it down to PND at the time...

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Hikercymru

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #8 on: March 31, 2016, 06:11:13 AM »
Mine had a group of superficial drinking buddies. He was very glib and people might have thought he had friends. But he didn't. One of his drinking friends who he would text and meet would be subject to being idealised and devalued at frequent intervals. My ex would be inappropriate with people he had just met and ask them very personal questions. He had no idea how to be a friend. He was classic npd and bpd. Textbook.

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lovetherain

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #9 on: March 31, 2016, 08:28:14 AM »
Hey RG,

My ex had a couple of close friends.. both really odd. One of them would throw temper tantrums like a damn child! I couldn't stand him. The other one he had wouldn't say much, he would disappear every once and a while, and then would make up some story of what had happened. Turns out he had an ice problem and went to rehab for a year.
Both of them were total followers, any where my ex went they tagged along. They were ALWAYS there and it drove me mad! Of course he didn't see the issue and I was overreacting  :roll:
All his friends were big pot smokers like himself. So they would come over to our house and smoke pot. Losers.
They also witnessed how he treated me and would always look the other way as if nothing was happening. COWARDS! >:(

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Lady Baltimore

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #10 on: March 31, 2016, 12:35:42 PM »
Interesting thread-  I'm definitely seeing a pattern.

My stbxuNPDh didn't really have friends.  He spoke about two old coworkers he knew over twenty years ago, and both were raging alcoholics, as was he at the time.  While we were married, he did have one "friend," who was a coworker.  They hung out sometimes, but I found out later said friend absolutely couldn't stand him and has gone NC since we separated.

The only consistent contact he had with anyone other than me was with a couple from his home country.  They came to visit a couple of times, and the husband and Creature were so incredibly similar, it was like the Twilight Zone.  The wife essentially tolerated their presence and rolled her eyes at me a lot.

As others mentioned, I was Creature's everything: status symbol wife, mother, friend, therapist, and enemy.  Around my friends, he was super quiet.  I just don't think he's capable of creating and maintaining friendships, as it requires a sense of balance and care, neither of which he has.

One way street,

-LB
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Rocket Girl

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #11 on: March 31, 2016, 03:16:23 PM »
Wow.  Lots of interesting feedback, and not so surprising.  As if I needed to be told further that the ex n/bpd was a loser!

I've been told that N's are really very insecure.  What a conflict it must be to doubt yourself continually, yet present yourself as such a great person.  Mine was a self-professed God's Gift to Women.  lol...  wow.   I can tell you, he is NOT. 

I am very curious and I think I got too close to him and that's why he dumped me.  I could see through his b/s and would call him on it.  I would say he was really insecure.  I would point out he was acting like a child.  I was no longer the obedient arm candy, so had to go.   OR... I wasn't pretty enuf.  lol.  whatever,eh?
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Hikercymru

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #12 on: March 31, 2016, 04:32:28 PM »
The first is true dear rocket girl. You knew him too well..... Your ex can't be too close to anyone. Mine used to disappear in his campervan to create distance every time we got closer. He couldn't handle it or wouldn't handle it.
They are very sad people and we are lucky that we are alone now.
Away from their mindfucks and weirdness. 
Hugs

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #13 on: March 31, 2016, 05:45:21 PM »
Amen to all you said, Hiker!  At first the thought of being alone was so sad to me.  It meant I was a loser in the eyes of my friends and family.  Now I know that isn't true.  They just want ME back.  Smiling, loving, concerned, happy.   I am working on it.

With mine, we would be going great, then out of the blue he would need a break.  This started happening more and more frequently.  Then while on his break, he would text and ask what marriage means to me, or would i be fully committed to a relationship. What was it about him i professed to love.... it was about a 4 page text, rambling.  I never did answer it.

Then he started asking if we could be just friends so he could explore the dating scene.  I told him no, that would be too painful for me to witness.  So then he would sob and hold me and beg me not to leave him.  As my head is coming Out of the FOG, I ask myself WTF?  Why did I stay as long as I did?
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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HiddenFlower

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #14 on: March 31, 2016, 05:53:30 PM »
My XH didn't have any true friends. Since we grew up in the same small town, we were acquainted with many people our age, but I realize that none were really true friends with him.

I had true friends. I had a full social life and I could literally go anywhere in the country and socialize because I'm such a nice and friendly person. I was close-knit with my family and they would help me if I needed. He used facebook and stealing my contacts list from my phone to systematically destroy all my relationships over the 6 years we were together. I don't socialize with anyone now. Ironically, he still doesn't have friends and some people don't talk to him at all, but because of small town folks and gossip, he's still more in the loop back there than I am.

My current BF also doesn't have friends. He presented 2 guys as his old time friends, but they are drunks and they've stolen from us and use him for money and favors--he actually bailed one out of jail!!  :stars: But when we were struggling, they were nowhere to be found, or were good for party-time.

BF also has female "friends", which I realize now he goes to for ego kibbles or sex when relationships go wrong. I found out when he went over one's house behind my back. Of course, he uses the "we're just friends" line, but when I did a thorough snoop of his facebook messages over the years I knew him, I realized it was an ongoing pattern where he constantly flirts and some he turns to for sex either during a rough patch while in a relationships or in between relationships. I call them his "harem" and no, he will not give them up.  :sadno: But the women don't talk to him really any other time and many drop him for various reasons, so they aren't even his real friends either.

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Hikercymru

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #15 on: March 31, 2016, 07:11:49 PM »
Rocketgirl. The breaks.  Yes. He would pretend he wanted to be on his own for a while quiet time about every other weekend and then drink heavily with who knows.  When the fun was over he would come back and he would complain that he wasn't part of my life. WTF???
Just thinking about it raises my blood pressure  :doh:
I actually feel happy with all the peace I have now. And I know that my friends and family are happy for me.
Not sure how I would cope with having to see his going ons in my immediate neighbourhood.... Sounds really tricky.
What a load of bs to say he wants you to try the dating scene.  Such projection.
I have become more assertive and will reject any perceived manipulation. My manager sent me a passive aggressive email and I replied assertively,  rejection some of the underlying assumptions in a polite but direct manner. I thought I will not let her walk all over me. She backed down and agreed with me.   ::)
We will be stronger through this adversity
H

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #16 on: March 31, 2016, 07:36:04 PM »
What doesn't kill ya.... right? 

Ex is across the street.  Very close.  I flip my mirror on my car and drive straight into my garage.  That way when I leave there's no chance of seeing his place in the rear view mirror.  This week I took my garbage can out while keeping my eyes firmly on the ground.  Then the next day, I picked it up after dark.  It's crazy to have to do this, but seeing him or his house, or YES his new girlfriend parked there just upsets me, so I am choosing not to look until it either becomes second nature, or I just don't give a flying you-know-what anymore.  I'm hoping for the latter.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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LilyMarlene

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #17 on: March 31, 2016, 08:27:08 PM »
This has really been an enlightening thread.  I'm so glad you started it, RocketGirl.   I have found myself nodding, scribbling notes down while I read it, so I don't forget to "amen" to certain comments.

RocketGirl:  I CAN imagine what you're going through with living so close to your ex.  Years ago, I dated a coworker for about 2 1/2 years.  I was hopelessly hung up on him when we broke up, but had to see him every day.  He ended up dating another girl in the office about 6 months after our final breakup.  By then, the heartache had subsided and I had moved on.  But for a while, there were days I'd clock out, race to the privacy of my car, and explode into tears before ever getting it out of "park."   :(  But at least home was my refuge.  I feel for you.

Fast forward to this last relationship w/the uPD ex. Rocket...YES to the marriage talk after the first two months...and a lot of "future faking."  (including sending pics of engagement rings).    You are right, this is a huge warning sign for us, right up there with having few strong friendships.

Oneness...I was saddled w/EVERY role, too.  Therapist,  girlfriend, mother, best friend....He would often accuse me of not being "invested enough" in him...  even though I was slowly losing touch with family, friends, my body, my pets, my housework, and my peace of mind...b/c of his  demands on my time.  There was never really a blending of these things as one should expect in a healthy relationship.  Did he offer to help w/housework, or workout w/me?  Did he care that I had an ailing pet in it's last stages of life?  Nope.  But it was I who didn't understand commitment.  Why did I have my guard up?  Could I EVER be committed?  Why couldn't I see that it was all about me?

 There was a LOT of entrapment, and disgustingly obvous attempts at manipulation.   He once opened my computer browser, typed "I'm leaving you" (or something similar) and left it up for me to see.  When I addressed him about it, his response was a bewildered "What?  I was just trying to get your attention!"  Gross.  The more I called him out on his manipulation, the more circular the talks became. 

Our demise was fast-tracked when I ceased to accomodate/ play into his antics, and began calling him out more on his insecure/manipulative/clingy/controlling behavior.  But he still got me good on a few of those low blows. 

Someone mentioned either suspecting or finding that their PD ex had created an online dating profile during the relationship.  Embarrassing confession time:  Early on, , my ex casually mentioned that in his prior relationship, he had disconnected nearly six months prior to the breakup, and had created an online dating profile.  I reacted strongly to this, told him that this was COMPLETELY unacceptable.  He fluffed it off, backtracked and said he never actually CONTACTED anyone on the site.

How stupid was I, to believe this wasn't my same fate, when things would unravel with US??  I should have RUN for the hills.     :doh:

Spokeo is my best friend... :tongue2:.  I looked him up a few days post break-up.  He had created an account about a month prior to our breakup!  Then a friend told me that she saw him on there, too.  Small town, small world.  Before I went NC, I called the ex out on this.  (Which I realize now, was simply wasted energy on my part).  His excuse?  "I was just checking to see if YOU were on it.  I've since deactivated it."  (paraphrasing)    I happen to know that you don't need an account on that site to search for ppl in your area.  Let alone a profile pic.  Aaaaaand, it's still active.  Again, gross.

Oneness, you mention that your ex's best friend was a bottle of booze.  SO true with my ex, too.   He got off work several hours before me each day, and would blow up my phone while I was trying to work, with texts that I knew were coming straight from the paranoid mind of someone who was schnockered.

Lastly, Hykercymru, You make a great point:  For as much pain and BS as we endure, there are some transferrable skills, here.  Maintaining composure comes to mind, as does learning how to confront bullying from terra firma, and how to reject manipulation and toxic behavior in other relationships.    I was GONNA say "What doesn't kill ya..."  but Rocket took the words outta my mouth  ;)
« Last Edit: March 31, 2016, 08:30:51 PM by LilyMarlene »

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Do the PD's have any friends?
« Reply #18 on: March 31, 2016, 10:08:57 PM »
Hyker did make a really good point.  Thru my therapy, I have realized that I never felt good enough.  When confronted, I would take things personally and lash out.  I actually apologized to my boss one day for reacting to something he said.  I told him "that made me feel bad about myself and I lashed out".  He said, "that wasn't my intention, I am sorry as well". 

so, I guess I'm saying people are not mind readers.  Where Hyker used what has been learned to defend herself (yay!), I used mine to catch myself in a reaction to a situation that wasn't valid.  It helps to kind of understand where the angst, rage, confusion, hurt is manifesting from.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.