Told my nonPD dad today that I'm cutting him out, too

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trustyourgut

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Told my nonPD dad today that I'm cutting him out, too
« on: March 31, 2016, 03:36:55 AM »
Today was my dBPD mother's birthday. I didn't plan on going NC so close to Easter or her birthday--it just kind of happened and it felt natural and right so I went with it. Here I am 10 days later, happy with my decision, and coming more and more Out of the FOG with each day.

My father has a very strong understanding of how disordered my mother is and talks with me about this all the time but never to her face. When she is around he puts on an act that he likes to refer to as "being patient." But it's not, it's just enabling and acting like a doormat.

So, today my father had the nerve to ask me multiple times while I was at work to text my mother a happy birthday. Given that I had already discussed my conscious decision to go NC with her on the phone with him in advance and that I had already sent my mother a birthday card and gift in advance which was greeted with the criticism that I signed it with a heart instead of spelling out love (she never thanked me for the point of the whole exchange--the gift), I really saw zero reason for him to be asking me to do this. So, I told him how I really feel. I told him it was extremely out of line to trigger me at my new job by texting me asking me to actually reach out to my abuser after all of the anxiety and panic I felt, which he knew about, when I was still in the process of deciding if I could do it. So I told him that he had his three strikes and he was out. I reminded him of the recent conversations I had had with him telling him what I planned to do and repeatedly asking him to respect my decision, which he said he would, and then brought him back to the fact that he clearly violated that agreement as well as my boundaries. I told him that I felt he has become a doormat but that I can't even feel sorry for him because of how aware he has always been of the problem yet continued to stay and allow me to be abused.

It was really the last straw for him to have the nerve to ask me to break no contact for someone who would have just coldly ridiculed me and my insincere happy birthday wishes had I done as he asked.

It takes so much strength to stand up to your parents when you realize that they are monsters because for your entire life they were your world. They had all of the answers. They were supposed to keep you safe. When you realize that the world is much bigger, you know there is better, and it's clear that their answers are incorrect, it becomes much EASIER to accept reality and chop ties. It isn't painful to not speak to my mother. It is a little painful to not speak to my father though, because I always hoped better for him. I always wished he would stand up and get out and live in peace. I've accepted that it will never happen so long as he continues to repeat the phrase "I'm stuck." But I can only hope that one day he proves me wrong. Until then, today marks the beginning of my third and last severed tie to disordered people. First, my exASPD in January, then my BPD mother in March, and now my nonPD father. It's always sad to see the non disordered ones crush the good healthy fate they had by continuing to choose staying.. "stuck."

Now he is "stuck" with his choice. And he managed to lose his daughter in the process. Round of applause..

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Liz1018

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Re: Told my nonPD dad today that I'm cutting him out, too
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2016, 09:53:43 AM »
Trustyourgut (great name btw),

Congratulations on choosing yourself over PD/enabler abuse. I see from your previous that you are still young - this is huge. You will find many folks on this site (myself included, I am 44) who wish they had had your level of bravery at that age. I went NC with my NPD mother and BPD/NPD father (and my entire FOO - 3 PD siblings) 4 days before Christmas. Like you, I didn't plan it so close to a holiday but my "last straw moment" (and believe me, 20 more years of this crap would have made it even harder for you to break free) was also in the vein of my nasty mother pulling backstabbing "you're not good enough" type move too. My mother's birthday is next week and you can bet there will be no wishes from me.

I am sorry to hear your dad is so weak and that you have been let down by him. We can cling to these glimmers of hope that either the other parent or a sibling "gets it" or will stand up to the abuse themselves but they almost always side with the abuser over rationality. That feels like such a betrayal and is very hard to forgive. It makes you realize the power that the PD/brainwasher has over their victims.

Some people just don't have the strength or conviction to deal with the blowout. Because with these folks, the rage and consequences of challenging them is terrifying. That is why so many of us "play the game" for years, hoping naively that change will come some day. It is all very sad, but once you realize it's not really even about you and this is serious mental illness, you see it's a no win situation to stay engaged in "relationship" with them.

I applaud your courage and conviction. Hold steadfastly to your principles and learn everything you can about PDs. You still have a chance to build a healthy life for yourself and seek out partners who will not abuse you.

Your parents may try to harass you (or find others to do so)  in the coming months. The text from your father was such a harassment. I hope they do not, because the stress from it is very difficult to deal with, but expect that it might happen and start building your support system.

I don't know if you are a "Star Wars" fan, but the day I went NC with my FOO I went to see "The Force Awakens." There was a line spoken to the heroine that rang so very true to me in that moment:

""The belonging you seek is not behind you, it is ahead. I am no jedi, but I know the force. It moves through and surrounds every living thing. Close your eyes, feel it. The light. It's always been there. It will guide you."

For my whole life up until that point I had been so desperate to fit in, to be accepted by my dysfunctional FOO only to be disappointed over and over again. Nobody was on my side, I suffered alone knowing they were monsters but was so desperate for belonging that I couldn't step away. But I knew in my heart what was right for me. Sounds like you do as well. I wish you strength, peace, and a healthy future.

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hhaw

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Re: Told my nonPD dad today that I'm cutting him out, too
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2016, 11:15:08 AM »
trustyyourgut:

I love your username. 

You're so young to be so on track, and sure of what you deserve, and don't deserve.  I applaud your ability to honor yourself at such a young age.

If you haven't researched healthy boundaries I suggest doing so.  It gives us tools to protect ourselves from future pd individuals, and stay on track with healthy individuals likely to build us up, and enrich our lives.

I was pretty good at setting boundaries by the time I was in my mid thirties.  Where I fell down was in trusting myself, and enforcing those boundaries.  I wish I'd known more about it.

hhaw

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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trustyourgut

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Re: Told my nonPD dad today that I'm cutting him out, too
« Reply #3 on: March 31, 2016, 12:24:44 PM »
Trustyourgut (great name btw),

Congratulations on choosing yourself over PD/enabler abuse. I see from your previous that you are still young - this is huge. You will find many folks on this site (myself included, I am 44) who wish they had had your level of bravery at that age. I went NC with my NPD mother and BPD/NPD father (and my entire FOO - 3 PD siblings) 4 days before Christmas. Like you, I didn't plan it so close to a holiday but my "last straw moment" (and believe me, 20 more years of this crap would have made it even harder for you to break free) was also in the vein of my nasty mother pulling backstabbing "you're not good enough" type move too. My mother's birthday is next week and you can bet there will be no wishes from me.

I am sorry to hear your dad is so weak and that you have been let down by him. We can cling to these glimmers of hope that either the other parent or a sibling "gets it" or will stand up to the abuse themselves but they almost always side with the abuser over rationality. That feels like such a betrayal and is very hard to forgive. It makes you realize the power that the PD/brainwasher has over their victims.

Some people just don't have the strength or conviction to deal with the blowout. Because with these folks, the rage and consequences of challenging them is terrifying. That is why so many of us "play the game" for years, hoping naively that change will come some day. It is all very sad, but once you realize it's not really even about you and this is serious mental illness, you see it's a no win situation to stay engaged in "relationship" with them.

I applaud your courage and conviction. Hold steadfastly to your principles and learn everything you can about PDs. You still have a chance to build a healthy life for yourself and seek out partners who will not abuse you.

Your parents may try to harass you (or find others to do so)  in the coming months. The text from your father was such a harassment. I hope they do not, because the stress from it is very difficult to deal with, but expect that it might happen and start building your support system.

I don't know if you are a "Star Wars" fan, but the day I went NC with my FOO I went to see "The Force Awakens." There was a line spoken to the heroine that rang so very true to me in that moment:

""The belonging you seek is not behind you, it is ahead. I am no jedi, but I know the force. It moves through and surrounds every living thing. Close your eyes, feel it. The light. It's always been there. It will guide you."

For my whole life up until that point I had been so desperate to fit in, to be accepted by my dysfunctional FOO only to be disappointed over and over again. Nobody was on my side, I suffered alone knowing they were monsters but was so desperate for belonging that I couldn't step away. But I knew in my heart what was right for me. Sounds like you do as well. I wish you strength, peace, and a healthy future.

Liz, your post was so refreshing to read! Thank you so much and I really admire the fact that you were able to step away later in life unlike my dad. So much power to you!! Hugs!

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trustyourgut

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Re: Told my nonPD dad today that I'm cutting him out, too
« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2016, 12:29:52 PM »
trustyyourgut:

I love your username. 

You're so young to be so on track, and sure of what you deserve, and don't deserve.  I applaud your ability to honor yourself at such a young age.

If you haven't researched healthy boundaries I suggest doing so.  It gives us tools to protect ourselves from future pd individuals, and stay on track with healthy individuals likely to build us up, and enrich our lives.

I was pretty good at setting boundaries by the time I was in my mid thirties.  Where I fell down was in trusting myself, and enforcing those boundaries.  I wish I'd known more about it.

hhaw

hhaw, thank you so much for your support!! I've been trying to learn more about healthy boundaries by researching what normal relationships are supposed to be like. I'm starting to recognize each time that I feel violated and let myself speak up when my gut starts to rumble instead of bite my tongue and sit there in discomfort. It hasn't led me to any regret so far, only relief! I'm hyperaware of everyone around me now and how they interact. Feels like I'm coming closer to figuring this out, at least closer than I would've been under my mom's thumb and my dad's echo of her. Hugs!

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hhaw

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Re: Told my nonPD dad today that I'm cutting him out, too
« Reply #5 on: March 31, 2016, 12:51:42 PM »
Honestly, your instincts are there for a reason.  Your reptilian brain will protect you if you allow it.

We're raised to shrug off, and dishonor our intuition, but.... it's a gift we can cultivate, and cherish when we know better.

Hugs back to you,
hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt