FOG after having realization of FOG

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DoingthebestIcan456

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FOG after having realization of FOG
« on: March 31, 2016, 03:39:22 PM »
I finally have made the decision that I need to re-evaluate me relationship with my NPD mother and the rest of my family, I have been visiting for about a month now and have realized they have not changed from the last times I have separated myself and need to create boundaries that keep me sane, I purchased my flight home last night and had an overwhelming feeling of guilt for feeling this way about my family, I started to second guess everything that had happened wth my family in the last week or so and tried to decipher if it was me who's behavior is out of line, maybe I am over reacting and over exaggerating the little things, and I had to remind myself of the big things they have done to negatively impact me.

I feel like I can't be alone in this feeling of guilt of my decision to finally make some changes that will allow me to grow and flourish.

I will be talking with my counselor about this wave of emotion but I will not be able to see her for over a week.

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fiona

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Re: FOG after having realization of FOG
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2016, 06:48:31 PM »
It's hard to have N family members. My mom is and my middle brother. I have always  second guessed myself. I question if it's me who's being unreasonable. In the past few weeks I know it's not me. The facts are there, the actions are there from both of them and other family as well. They don't change but we can.  This board is helping so much. I finally set a huge boundary. They are not happy but my life matters. I hope you you will feel better soon.  You are not over reacting. You are looking out for you because you are important  :bighug:

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practical

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Re: FOG after having realization of FOG
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2016, 08:40:05 AM »
You are not alone. I had made changes with my uNPDm years ago, but it took me till last year to make changes with my now 84 year old enF/uOCPDf. Compared to M he always seemed the normal one and the victim of her, so I ended up feeling I had to help him, protect him and forgot to protect myself. When I visited my FOO I started to write long emails to DH and to journal, it helped me to deal with the situation while I was there and it is helpful now when I have moments of guilt about having established boundaries. I look at what I wrote and it is absolutely clear that my FOO is dysfunctional and I had to protect myself, and the only way to do that were solid boundaries. Questioning yourself, whether you are not blowing this out of proportion is I think also not unusual. The messages I got from FOO where that I was cold & hard, oversensitive, mean, because I tried to break out of the role they had assigned me. This was already true in childhood whenever I tried to have a little space to breath I was told I was unloving, or if I protested the boundary violations by uNPDm I was oversensitive and misunderstood her love for me. So the guilt was just programmed into me - but you can break out of it and I feel a lot lighter now, feel my life is finally mine.

Check out Medium Chill and Boundaries in the Toolbox     . Here is some more information on boundaries: http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=24.0
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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daughter

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Re: FOG after having realization of FOG
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2016, 10:25:32 AM »
A npd-parent instills a lot of "wrong" notions into their children's heads, with parental expectations and demands differing from child to child, depending on that child's role on family's dysfunctional dynamic.  A SG child, or a parentified child, receives an altogether different indoctrination than a GC child.  My overtly favored GC "princess" nsis operates under entirely different "FOO Rules" than me, the blatantly disfavored SG "dutiful daughter"; it's as if we experienced two entirely different childhoods, our NBM seemingly to be two entirely different mothers even while both of us lived at home.  If you're not the GC child, if you're not "the Annointed One", then your priorities were likely hijacked, so that "keeping mom happy", appeasing and capitulating your parents (and often GC child) became the principle goal, where "keeping peace in the family" also meant "don't rock the boat" and "toe the line", where our needs and feelings were of secondary importance, if acknowledged at all.  In that kind of environment, acting upon our own preferences and needs will feel "selfish", because that's what's been ingrained in our thinking-process.  The FOG keeps us in check, and when we finally peep into OOTF-thinking, it seems alien and wrong and "selfish", as opposed to what it really is: validation, honesty, and self-regard for our own needs and feelings.