Reassurance for children of BPDs and NPDs

  • 3 Replies
  • 1111 Views
*

trustyourgut

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 302
Reassurance for children of BPDs and NPDs
« on: March 31, 2016, 05:16:14 PM »
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201406/the-borderlinenarcissistic-mother


Last night, after telling my nonPD dad that I will be cutting off contact with him as well because of his lack of respect for my decision to go NC with my mother, I thought a lot about my extended family and what they might hear about me down the line if my parents ever feel like venting. I decided to contact one of my cousins and vaguely set the record straight with her about why I will no longer be around. (I live out of state so visiting for holidays is expected but wont be happening now) Although her response was understandinng and she tried to relate and that was probably the best she could do, her underlying lack of understanding of personality disorders was apparent when she wished us both the best and said she hoped we would someday work through it. She said that she spoke to my mither yesterday and that my mother had nothing but good things to say about me.

Speaking with her unsettled me and gave me CD. It made me wish my mother and I could get along, too, and gave me a brief wave of false hope. Thats never actually going to happen though or else it would have happened by now. What my cousin doesnt understand is that the problem never had anything to do with me because it started long before I was born, so my actions have nothing to do with the success of my relationship with my diagnosed BPD mother. I didn't explain that, just accepted the support and left it at that. To try and convince her otherwise would be like simultaneously beating a dead horse and inviting people to watch (making myself look bad).

Today ive felt a lot of CD and decided to turn to psychologytoday to staighten me out because they always do. I wanted to share this article with you all because it validated me and I want others going through this to feel validated too since sleaking with people about the issue usually does the opposite. Hugs to you all.

*

Miss Kay

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 462
Re: Reassurance for children of BPDs and NPDs
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2016, 12:43:18 AM »
What helped me more than anything was understanding that this had nothing to do with me.  I was not abused because of anything I did or did not do, I was abused because my mother is a sick woman and this would have happened to whomever was born in my place.  Since I had nothing to do with it, I have no way to fix it.  There is nothing I can do to make one bit of difference in the way she treats me.  It was just the luck of the draw that I ended up with her.  So, I had to reevaluate who I really was, not who she said I was.  By finding my strengths and talents, I began to take pride in myself.  I have come a long way and I am now sad for her that she had an amazing daughter that she never even got to know.  If a normal mom had given birth to me, I would have been the kind of daughter that would have brought her much happiness and pride.  Life is like a lottery ticket and I got a dud when it came to moms!   

*

trustyourgut

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 302
Re: Reassurance for children of BPDs and NPDs
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2016, 04:51:20 AM »
What helped me more than anything was understanding that this had nothing to do with me.  I was not abused because of anything I did or did not do, I was abused because my mother is a sick woman and this would have happened to whomever was born in my place.  Since I had nothing to do with it, I have no way to fix it.  There is nothing I can do to make one bit of difference in the way she treats me.  It was just the luck of the draw that I ended up with her.  So, I had to reevaluate who I really was, not who she said I was.  By finding my strengths and talents, I began to take pride in myself.  I have come a long way and I am now sad for her that she had an amazing daughter that she never even got to know.  If a normal mom had given birth to me, I would have been the kind of daughter that would have brought her much happiness and pride.  Life is like a lottery ticket and I got a dud when it came to moms!

Miss Kay, I love your perspective on this! Hugs to you.

*

all4peace

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8084
Re: Reassurance for children of BPDs and NPDs
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2016, 04:13:17 PM »
What helped me more than anything was understanding that this had nothing to do with me.  I was not abused because of anything I did or did not do, I was abused because my mother is a sick woman and this would have happened to whomever was born in my place.  Since I had nothing to do with it, I have no way to fix it.  There is nothing I can do to make one bit of difference in the way she treats me.  It was just the luck of the draw that I ended up with her.  So, I had to reevaluate who I really was, not who she said I was.  By finding my strengths and talents, I began to take pride in myself.  I have come a long way and I am now sad for her that she had an amazing daughter that she never even got to know.  If a normal mom had given birth to me, I would have been the kind of daughter that would have brought her much happiness and pride.  Life is like a lottery ticket and I got a dud when it came to moms!
Oh, Miss Kay, this is just so sad and wonderful at the same time. It is such a sorrow to realize our mothers will never really "get" us or our siblings and have missed out on so much. May we not do the same to our children.