How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?

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Hoolio

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Older relation 1 - fully supportive can call day or night

Older relation 2 - fairly supportive but with these failings:
* Has gold fish memory - expects news of the PD improving overnight
* Has to be reminded again and again that PD is an illness and sometimes everyday logic doesn't apply.
* Turns on me at the ends of phone calls (I have leaned to cut them off)

Friend 1) totally supportive we meet in person every few months

Friend 2) Some empathy bypass. Forgets the gravity of my situation. Greets me cheerily with "everything OK?" "Had a good weekend?" (When everything definitely hasn't been and my weekend will have been full of verbal abuse directed at me in front of my young children)

Friend 3) Brilliant! Had alcoholic nightmare of an ex wife. Doesn't fully understand PD's but has total experience with a person not taking responsibility for their own actions and not wanting to get help for their (very serious) problems.

So! I can count my confidants on one hand!

(Not counting my therapist)

How may do you have?

How many friends / relations are in your circle of trust?






I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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Rocket Girl

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #1 on: March 31, 2016, 10:37:47 PM »
You have a lot more than that!  Look here on this forum.   :applause:    :wave:   :applause:   :thumbup:

I am blessed. I have at quick count at least 15 people who know what I've gone through and have supported me through thick and thin.  I could not have made it without them.  sometimes they hug me, sometimes they yell at me.  It is all from the heart.

Having said that, I lost one really good friend because of it. she just couldn't continue to watch me slide again and again.  Take him back then cry on her shoulder.  I wasn't always there for her and I now realize that.  I am working hard to repair that friendship.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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TalenCrowhaven

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2016, 11:26:29 PM »
^What she said! ^

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LilyMarlene

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2016, 12:25:23 AM »
My count just increased twenty fold by joining this forum

Prior to that:

FAMILY:

1.) Older relation #1:   totally there when sh*t hits the fan. Trouble is, she has WAY bigger (health) problems to deal w/so I try not to involve her.   Also, she has her own recovery from substance abuse, don't want to trigger it w/stories of my ex's.

2) Younger relation #1:  diagnosed w/autism at early age.  Living at home.  Struggles w/substance abuse and is my parents' main focus.

3.) younger relation #2:  Single mom, preoccupied w/parenting and an over--sexualized, attention-seeking  personality that I cannot relate to.  Possible NPD. 

 4.) Older relation #3: Just trying to deal w/the above.  Saw him fly into a rage once in my life: when he saw my ex's public smearing campaign.  Tremendous guilt on my part for subjecting him to additional tribulations, as the "normal one" in the family.


FRIENDS

1.) Childhood friend #1:  Rescued early in adulthood from substance abuse, now married w/2 kids (I have none).   Now too busy w/family-rearing to understand "dating" life experiences.    Despite extensive familial abuse.
2.) Close coworkers (several): (most of them middle aged and single. ) Empathize, then change of subject.  No experience whatsoever. 
3.) Close friend of 7 years:  100% committed to practical helping.  Helped me move ex's stuff back to his house.  Working boss and mother.  Shows flashes of insight and support, attention span of a gnat due to high-sress job and family obligations.
4.) Satellite friends/coworkers:  The ones that heard through the grapevine that I'm dealing w/some shit.  Offer to help, but never follow up. 



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Navers

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #4 on: April 01, 2016, 12:51:12 AM »
My whole family is supportive. They witnessed a lot, and support me in every way. They deal with my depression, which sometimes manifests as irritated moods. I try hard to curb that though. They love me and don't deserve my craptitude. Sometimes that is hard to manage. However, as to details and depth/ anything other than surface info?

One childhood (teen) friend. Fully supportive and understands. Has good insights for me. He has useful experience in PTSD and issues. He keeps me real on issues.
My therapist.
One childhood teen friend I have recently gotten back in touch with. She has a history of her own and is super supportive in everything, including putting my life back together. She is super busy, so we don't talk much.

Other than that, I journal. I don't know why I don't really divulge too much. Sometimes a I just want to spew and spew and get it all out. Its such heavy, toxic memories and feeling....and I don't want my loved ones shouldering any of that crap. For some reason I can't bring myself to let just how broken I am show. I know my brokenness. I respect it and am working on my healing. For me, that's an extremely private thing. Plus I feel a lot like I suppressed so much emotion, pain and hurt deep down so I could continue to function, to be solid for my kiddos; I built and maintained such strong walls to contain the toxic soup within, that I am afraid if I start to let it loose I will unravel down to nothing and the last threads of me will blow away in a breeze......never to be sane again....So step by step. Bit by bit. Journal entry by journal entry. And therapy session by therapy session....I am only 6 months out from a 5 year.....I don't even know how to refer to it...it was bad though....

So for me...that's it.

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RunningFree

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #5 on: April 01, 2016, 02:05:07 AM »
It's a mix.  Most people I tell are supportive.  Some folks aren't in a place where they can support me, for various reasons.  When I tell them, and they don't really respond, I try to keep in mind that they have their own stuff to deal with and me asking them to also deal with mine might just be too much for them.
As far as close confidants, I have 5.  People who I feel like I can tell anything and I can respect their responses.  A great improvement over where I was 5 years ago - at that time I had zero.
I'm thankful for each and every one of them.
When going through Hell, keep going.

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trustyourgut

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #6 on: April 01, 2016, 04:34:24 AM »
About my ex: I told a total of 9 people. My parents and my best friend because these were the people I stayed with immediately after leaving the apartment. Two good friends in my hometown who have been through the same situations with their exes. And four friends I was close to for shorter periods of time that lived in the town I lived in with my ex and was leaving. Up until 2 days ago it had only been 7. And a month before that it was 5. I didnt tell everyone at once. Theres no reason to. The people I immediately told got all the details. The people I've mentioned it to lately got vague explanations for why Im gone including that he is a pathological liar. Honestly, the only person who was really helpful and consistently supportive was my best friend. I am freshly NC with my parents because the paranoia and research about personality disorders that followed the break up shone a big spotlight on the parents I had issues with my entire life and the covert abuse going on with them. By the way my entire stay with tjem  inbetween living with my ex and moving was miserable. I hadnt been in a house with them for that long in years and it reminded me every waking hour why i was so itchy to get away as a teenager.

People dont need details. Thats why Ive only told my best friend and one of my cousins about going NC with my parents. And telling my cousin was for the record with the family, not even for support. It is unfortunate but people are really flaky and shockingly heartless when it comes to helping others cope

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Upstream

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #7 on: April 01, 2016, 04:47:14 AM »
My mom- she has really dedicated herself to supporting me by listening actively and giving feedback. She really gets it cause she is married to my dad, uNPD, who has mellowed some throughout the years.  I think i would  have cracked under the pressure without her.

One long time friend - she has never been married, but gets it, amazingly. My H had almost succeeded in wedging such a big gap between her and i that i almost lost her friendship.  I have worked hard to rebuild it. I dont ttalk much with her about my situation, but she knows where i am at in it. It is good to have someone know the truth. But i dont want our friendship to revolve around my abusive marriage.

And that's it. No one knows that my twenty four year marriage is in shambles. Ok , two neighbors have asked where uNPDh is, about 2 months after he moved out. When i said we were separated, one said he never liked H , and if i needed any help ever i should let him know. The other is 92, and didnt ask much, but totally understood and was supportive! I was terrified i'd be judged and burned at stake here in our Amish like community. Well it still hasn't come out at church or at work, and for now, i am enjoying the ability to laugh and chat without having to be labeled as the separated ( or worse: divorced  : gasp) woman, although i suspect there are other women in similar situations who just don't have the wherewithal to be shunned and labeled an outcast by doing what i have done, separate, in this community.

It has been HARD to do this "alone", but i have my mom, and i have you all. What would i have done without you all?!  And i have my children, who have given me the impetus to stand firm and break the cycle of abuse.

Upstream

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Hoolio

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #8 on: April 01, 2016, 04:01:56 PM »
Great thread. Keep sharing.

Amazing that it's such a private hell for many of us

Nice to be united with this wider network
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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Scout

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #9 on: April 01, 2016, 06:03:27 PM »
My best friend knows everything, and is supportive.
A co-worker friend knows almost everything, and is also awesome.

Two other friends who know a good deal, but I only see them once or twice a year.  One of them has a PD-exgf, though, so I know he understands me and I understand him.

That's mostly it.  I'm not close with my tiny, scattered family.

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waking up

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2016, 05:26:55 PM »
Due to some underlying issues I havent been able to fully explain whats been going on - there is 1 person who knows.
And the worst part is my h phones up this person and gives her his version of the "truth". He portrays himself as a victim to her and makes attempts to discredit me.
So basically I have no support.

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Rosemarie

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2016, 07:14:07 PM »
I have very little support. Even my family asks can't you work it out. My mother says, oh he must of loved you, you will see eventually. My close friend gaslighting me, telling me that things did not happen the way I saw it. So many misunderstand and can't comprehend when I try to share. So I am refraining with many people.

I have one group I attend and the women in that group are supportive and understand. And just this morning a woman I know, said she saw my ex and he tried to promote his business to her. She was uncomfortable and emailed me to tell me she supported me  and was very uncomfortable with his energy. She was polite to him, but said she has no intention of supporting him. This felt supportive, and I did feel sad that people are put in this position.
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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blackberry wine

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2016, 08:10:31 PM »
Only my children know the full extent of it because they've seen it. I have no other immediate family left, I have cousins living three hours away who I rarely see so they don't know.

Many people have seen my H rage, as he's not afraid of what people think. But I've only discussed it in detail with a couple of very close friends and a friend who's a social worker. She really got me thinking with her common sense approach.


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Hoolio

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Re: How many people have you fully confided in? And how's that been?
« Reply #13 on: April 02, 2016, 08:57:09 PM »
The behind closed doors hell of it all is such a pity. So much time lost.
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!