Bitter about Love

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trustyourgut

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Bitter about Love
« on: April 01, 2016, 04:18:49 AM »
After my relationship with my exASPDbf (broken up for a little over 2 months) I feel like I will never be able to take another guy seriously again. It just seems like theyre all the same. Ive only had very limited platonic contact with a handful of males since the break up (coworkers, roommate, friends) and already noticed red flags in most of them. I would like to think that I'll date again but I'm happier being safe and single than feeling on edge in a relationship with someone who could be living with me, lying day in and out to my face and everyone around us, just like my ex did.

Maybe its just an overall distaste for relationships that I have right now but the thought of sacrificing any of the time and energy I have at the moment especially after subtracting how much of it goes to work and my interests and my social life.. There just isnt room for anyone right now and I dont see that there will ever be because I'm still not devoting even half the time I would like to to my passions! Being a grown up is busy work. I don't have a clue how people in normal relationships do it without it eventually falling apart. I am so skeptical of everyone when theyve got their happy faces on now.
« Last Edit: April 01, 2016, 04:20:45 AM by trustyourgut »

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kiwihelen

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Re: Bitter about Love
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2016, 05:37:13 AM »
Hey there, I took a long time to heal enough to have a good relationship, and then it was longer still until I met the right person to have that relationship with.
I think you are right to spend time being busy being a grown up (love that turn of phrase) and work on having good friendships. If a guy is worth it he will respect your wish for independence while you get to know him. I knew my partner for 2 years before we became intimate

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trustyourgut

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Re: Bitter about Love
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2016, 01:52:36 PM »
Hey there, I took a long time to heal enough to have a good relationship, and then it was longer still until I met the right person to have that relationship with.
I think you are right to spend time being busy being a grown up (love that turn of phrase) and work on having good friendships. If a guy is worth it he will respect your wish for independence while you get to know him. I knew my partner for 2 years before we became intimate

Kieihelen, thanks for your response. Its good to know that someone in a similar situation has been able to find better relationships afterward. :)

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Hayden77

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Re: Bitter about Love
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2016, 01:51:48 AM »
Hi trust.  Im a guy in his 50s and  I totally understand your feelings, though Im feeling that way about women.  So much lying, cheating (multiple affairs in some relationships), stealing, hostility.  It's very disheartening.  But I have many good women friends who I know don't have those traits and many friends who are very happy couples, including my parents. 

Somehow, we have to keep being hopeful that we will find someone that we can trust and who we feel a deep love and connection for.

I too feel like giving up.  But I hope that I don't.  I have had the good fortune to have lived amazingly deep and wonderful love for 16  years.  Tragically, she became mentally ill and I lost her to drugs.  But I will never stop trying to have that same kind of love again. 

I hope you find the kind of love you are aching for.

Hayden

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Hikercymru

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Re: Bitter about Love
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2016, 07:16:47 PM »
Hello.
I am 4 months out of a three year relationship with a ubpd bf.
I recognise myself in your post. I look for and find dysfunction in every male I talk to. 
At the moment I enjoy my new house,  friends,  family,  Netflix gardening etc.
A few weeks ago I thought I would dip my toes in and joined a dating website.  My personality came out as very cautious (that wouldn't have been the case prior to the last relationship)  and.............. my ex was lurking on there with photos taken by me outside our old flat.... :doh:
I was outta there in three seconds,  no wonder I was feeling cautious. Ha.
So that's helped me to understand that no, thanks I am happy on my own.
Just like you,  I feel my time is precious and there is so much to do!!
Thanks for your post. 
H

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trustyourgut

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Re: Bitter about Love
« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2016, 02:24:43 AM »
Hi trust.  Im a guy in his 50s and  I totally understand your feelings, though Im feeling that way about women.  So much lying, cheating (multiple affairs in some relationships), stealing, hostility.  It's very disheartening.  But I have many good women friends who I know don't have those traits and many friends who are very happy couples, including my parents. 

Somehow, we have to keep being hopeful that we will find someone that we can trust and who we feel a deep love and connection for.

I too feel like giving up.  But I hope that I don't.  I have had the good fortune to have lived amazingly deep and wonderful love for 16  years.  Tragically, she became mentally ill and I lost her to drugs.  But I will never stop trying to have that same kind of love again. 

I hope you find the kind of love you are aching for.

Hayden

Hayden thank you so much for sharing. It's nice to hear a male perspective. I know it's not a black and white gender situation. There are disordered people in both genders. I've just done a lot of research on ASPD and found that its significantly more common in males. BPD is significantly more common in females. Etc. Best of luck to you on your journey! hugs

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trustyourgut

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Re: Bitter about Love
« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2016, 02:25:18 AM »
Hello.
I am 4 months out of a three year relationship with a ubpd bf.
I recognise myself in your post. I look for and find dysfunction in every male I talk to. 
At the moment I enjoy my new house,  friends,  family,  Netflix gardening etc.
A few weeks ago I thought I would dip my toes in and joined a dating website.  My personality came out as very cautious (that wouldn't have been the case prior to the last relationship)  and.............. my ex was lurking on there with photos taken by me outside our old flat.... :doh:
I was outta there in three seconds,  no wonder I was feeling cautious. Ha.
So that's helped me to understand that no, thanks I am happy on my own.
Just like you,  I feel my time is precious and there is so much to do!!
Thanks for your post. 
H

its always nice to find someone on a similar path. wishing you the best of luck! big hugs

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spark

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Re: Bitter about Love
« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2016, 11:09:11 AM »
Hi Trustyourgut,

I'm glad you started this tread. It's true for many of us -- after a PD experience, it becomes very disheartening to even want to try dating again. I'm in the same boat myself.

I have started asking friends to keep a look out for a nice (appropriate) partner for me. Friends help friends, that's my philosophy. Might be something you could try.  :)

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Mariposa

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Re: Bitter about Love
« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2016, 05:25:02 PM »
I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I think back to how I felt after I graduated from college- that feeling of expectation of good things to happen. Fall in love, marry and build a family. I envisioned a happy family, feeling safe and secure. Obviously it didn't turn out that way. My kids are older. I would love to start over,  marry a man that could really love me and love our children. I'll never have that again . It makes me so sad to see Facebook pictures of happy families. 

I've been divorced for 2 years.  I was looking at a trinket  my ex had given me, little did I know at the time he was cheating on me. I wanted so hard to believe his denials, I had put up with so much abuse from him, couldn't he at least be faithful? He even lied repeatedly in marriage counseling regarding the affairs.  I can't envision trusting anyone again. 

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trustyourgut

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Re: Bitter about Love
« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2016, 02:42:25 AM »
Hi Trustyourgut,

I'm glad you started this tread. It's true for many of us -- after a PD experience, it becomes very disheartening to even want to try dating again. I'm in the same boat myself.

I have started asking friends to keep a look out for a nice (appropriate) partner for me. Friends help friends, that's my philosophy. Might be something you could try.  :)

Thank you Spark! Maybe in a year or so. For now I just can't fathom it

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trustyourgut

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Re: Bitter about Love
« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2016, 02:49:05 AM »
I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I think back to how I felt after I graduated from college- that feeling of expectation of good things to happen. Fall in love, marry and build a family. I envisioned a happy family, feeling safe and secure. Obviously it didn't turn out that way. My kids are older. I would love to start over,  marry a man that could really love me and love our children. I'll never have that again . It makes me so sad to see Facebook pictures of happy families. 

I've been divorced for 2 years.  I was looking at a trinket  my ex had given me, little did I know at the time he was cheating on me. I wanted so hard to believe his denials, I had put up with so much abuse from him, couldn't he at least be faithful? He even lied repeatedly in marriage counseling regarding the affairs.  I can't envision trusting anyone again.

Mariposa, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but I'm glad that you brought up the age around college and that "endless possibilities" mindset. I have a perspective on that that might help. When I graduated college, I was at about the midpoint of my relationship with my ASPD ex bf. After 4 years of work and anticipation I actually felt very tied down on graduation day because I knew I was just going to go home back to our apartment in our college town and live ho hum with him forever and ever. Of course I was in love so it didn't seem so "ho hum" at the time but I was definitely underwhelmed and disappointed in myself for not making a big move cross country like I had always planned. Fast forward a year and I just made that big move last month. I'm finally free!! You're finally free!!! What I'm trying to say is, back then it may have seemed like the world was full of possibilities but when you're with a PD you feel trapped in a lot of ways so the end of a relationship with a PD is almost like a new graduation in a sense. Unfortunately this time around we got a degree in disordered people and the pain that comes with them! But the new knowledge will make us better nonetheless. Hugs.