Handling NC and siblings (again)

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pelican

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Handling NC and siblings (again)
« on: April 01, 2016, 04:31:06 AM »
Well, Iím back but this time itís about my brother. He texted me today to ask if I had told my parents I am pregnant yet. A little BG: Iím due in less than a month and only my sister and brother know.
Hereís my last thread, dealing with my sister: http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=51981.msg463342#msg463342

So my parents were visiting my brother this week and they were talking about me and my sister. My brother said he almost let it slip. He said he wanted to know if I was going to tell them soon because he didnít want them to ďhate himĒ when they find out that heís known all this time.

I feel guilty that Iíve put my siblings in the awkward position. But I still have no clue what I want to do about my parents. My husband says that I have two options 1.) tell parents how I feel and patch relationship enough so that itís tolerable to be at family events 2.) continue NC but realize it will also probably end in NC with siblings.

I realize if I tell my parents they will still figure out that my siblings knew before them. It doesnít really solve anything. The only way to help my siblings Ďsave faceí is to basically lie and pretend they didnít know either. Personally, Iím sick of more lies. Can I mention that my parents kept their most recent home purchase from me for months, yet told my siblings? My siblings were asked not to tell me. (But my sister did anyway). My mom even lied to my face about wanting to give her bird to me; she said it wasnít doing well in her home when in actuality she didnít want to take it with her. I still donít understand why I was excluded from knowing. My sister told me my mom said she didnít want me (or my grandmother) to know in case the deal fell through and she looked stupid. I just donít get it.

Anyways, I was hoping to hold off on even mentioning the baby until at least after it was born. I realize the longer Iíve waited, the worse it makes it for my siblings. But I have just been trying to concentrate on having a stress free pregnancy. I just donít know what to do.
 


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kiwihelen

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Re: Handling NC and siblings (again)
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2016, 05:40:33 AM »
I don't think there is any easy answer. I am going to suggest that your sibs are adults and if they get a hard time about knowing stuff about you they have to deal with it - it is not your problem. It might just move them fully OOTF.

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daughter

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Re: Handling NC and siblings (again)
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2016, 10:34:53 AM »
PD-disordered parents become pd-disordered grandparents; the presence of grandchildren is likely to intensify the bad behavior rather than encourage genuine reconciliation and improved relations.  Your parents' behavior and expectations are bad enough that you chose to be estranged from them, and NC.  Your mother's played the "don't tell" card on you.  Your NC position is your sole decision, and not about what's "comfortable" for your sister or brother, who apparently remain enmeshed, compliant, and serving as "Flying Monkeys" to some extent.  It's not "worse" for your siblings; they can "tell" or "not tell" however they want, but your actions shouldn't be dictated by their perceived discomfort.

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Iguanagos

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Re: Handling NC and siblings (again)
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2016, 11:56:35 AM »
I feel odd contributing to this question since I donít have any children, but from everything I have read on this board, I just want to encourage you to put yourself and your new LO first.  PDs get very weird when a birth is imminent, and this is a special, precious and vulnerable time you and your DH will never get back. 

Everyone else can take a back seat for now.  You donít owe them information and access to you and your family.  If and when you want to inform them of the birth, and to whatever extent you choose to involve them in your life going forward, you can always do so in the future.  You donít owe anyone any explanations for your decisions, either, although FOO may make you feel as if you do.

It's not "worse" for your siblings; they can "tell" or "not tell" however they want, but your actions shouldn't be dictated by their perceived discomfort.

 :yeahthat:

A great point by daughter.  Everyone is an adult here, so your siblings have to make their own adult decisions.  Their actions are not your responsibility.

Just sending some encouragement your way for this most precious time.  Congratulations!    :cloud9: