A question for those who have moved out, leaving PD and kids in the home

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RunningFree

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Has anyone experienced their PD reacting to you moving out with a combination of playing the victim & a determination to hold things together at the home seemingly out of spite?
This seems like what I'm experiencing, it's as if she's been able to turn this victim role into an N-Supply.  I wonder if this is temporary, hoover or something else.
-RF
When going through Hell, keep going.

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Sunny

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YESSSS! My stbexh must have taken the same correspondance course. First he was so outraged that I had the GALL to have him served with the petition, that he packed a little suitcase, took his passport, and said "I hope I'll never see you again!" Tra la, off he went.

Hours later, as I rejoiced at how simple life was, he stalked me up to my bathroom and scared the BLEEP out of me, and told me he saw no reason to leave! Or get a divorce! I was quite freaked out by this time, and I said we could both stay home that night but he would have to sleep in the guest room. He replied, "Why?? Are you afraid I might [insert death threat] you?" said with a sarcastic scowl.

Fast forward, and he has stayed resolutely in the house since Oct. I was forced out (there is another thread going on a similar topic) with no recourse because I never got a police report or TRO.

He has wanted to have family dinners, and I do have a few, and we have even made a deal to take turns in the house. But so far he has spent just a handful of nights away.

I think it's denial and control. Maybe lack of imagination as well, or even feeling overwhelmed at the thought of moving/starting over. Also does your w have a good credit rating? Renting is really tough these days in CA, need to show proof of employment, credit score, and references. Not easy to hop to it at my age (midlife  :))

Anyway let us know what you think is at work in your case!

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waking up

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RF
Im not sure what you mean by holding things togethet out of spite but yes, my h does portray himself as the victim( which is nothing new) He has always portrayed himself as the victim in every situation.

My h was the one who left the house and moved across the country. At the time he told me " Dont think I'm running away from the problems here". Of course I'm sure thats exactly what he was doing...I think he was very stressed that I was bringing up certain topics in MC and he just didnt want to deal with it. So he ran.
I am the one left to look after the kids, pets,house, yard and everything else.  I dont portray myself as a victim though. I am just trying to get through all this- whatever it takes- I can only take it one day at a time.


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RunningFree

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The thing is I didn't move across the country.  I found an apartment as close as possible and I have to pay more because of it.  From the moment I left, I've reinforced the idea that I want to be around, I want to help and I want to see the kids as much as possible.  She's taken this "well, we don't need you" attitude and I fear it is being transferred to the kids.  She seems to take nourishment from the drama.
I'm trying to have patience and faith that things will work out.  It's only been a month.  And my T is a great help figuring out how to approach things with the kids.
When going through Hell, keep going.

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kiwihelen

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Lordy yes! Six years and counting

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waking up

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RF
Your ex is probably trying to make it sound as if you abandoned her and the kids.  She's playing on your guilt to try and make you come back.  I think that's a pretty typical response from the one who feels they have been "left behind".  She's trying to make you feel like the "bad guy" in the situation, and also will use that attitude to manipulate the kids.  If they are old enough they won't fall for it.

I think PDs play the guilt card quite often.  In my situation my H is the one who left the house - but he didn't want to leave the marriage.  I'm the one who told him, several months months after he moved out, that I was done with his BS.  I almost feel like this was a planned move on his part, another bit of manipulation.  He knows I'm now "trapped" here - he's clear across the country and I'm stuck here holding it all together. I know he could have found a job close to home, but he chose to move thousands of miles away. Just another way to control me from a distance.

Yet he whines about how he was forced to move across the country, and about how much he misses us and how lonely he is. I know it's a way to try and manipulate me.  In the past I would have felt very sympathetic towards him, but I now am starting to recognize all his tricks.  I'm not saying he isn't lonely there, but I really think he is also using that as an attempt to make me feel guilty.
« Last Edit: April 03, 2016, 01:54:19 PM by waking up »

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atticusfinch

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Running,

I do think that "winning" feels like a matter of life and death to them.  My ex was able to hold things together pretty well for two years during the divorce, which amazes me since he couldn't hold it together for long at all when we were married.  Even though I've started to move on after the divorce is over, I can tell that he's still fully ready to fight (and I think he's still holding out to get back together, even though we've hardly had any contact for two years and I clearly don't want to be with him or I wouldn't have gotten a divorce!).  Did you have crazy argument when you were married?  My ex would not let an argument die until I agreed with him.  He seemed to see any argument as a win-lose proposition and would fight to the death.  It seemed to activate this energy in him-- fights/arguments-- this almost manic energy.  I think divorce is just a larger version of that.  They see it as win/lose, which is why they still can't compromise or settle, and they have to "win" at all costs.  I do think the martial home, the assets, the children, all represent winning or losing to them.  I stayed in the home and I know mine has taken that as a major narcissistic injury (partly because he considered everything "his").  I don't particularly want the home, I hate the memories, it's too big to take care of, etc, but I did it to give my kids stability.  He seems to think I'm lying about my reasons to stay here, and has moaned to everyone about how he was kicked out of his own house (due to choking me).  It's just one sign that I know he never ever would have left under normal circumstances, and he would not have blinked an eye at the kids and I living in squalor somewhere (probably would have felt triumphant).  So yes, I don't think that this is about giving the kids stability but more about winning the battle with us, and they see the house/possessions/kids as  some sort of trophy.


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waking up

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Atticus
You are right about the win/lose type of thinking.  Life is like a game to these PD's. Arguments that go on and on forever....there is no way to end those except to walk away.

My H has not got to that point yet in the separation - but I'm afraid he will once he really accepts that I'm done with this marriage.  Right now he is still in hoovering mode and still making attempts to patch things up.  He just started counselling (or so he tells me) and I think that is another way for him to say to me: "See I am trying to fix things.  It's YOU not ME!  You're the one who is to blame!"  That might sound like a mean thing for me to say, but this is the type of comment he has been making to other people about me, (I guess he figured they wouldn't tell me, lol)

I can see these type of reactions are very typical when trying to divorce a PD. A friend of mine has been going through this with a PD ex and this women is extreme. She won't give up - she goes back and forth from hating him to loving him forever and telling everyone how heartbroken she is that he left, and then to threatening suicide. The ultimate guilt trip.


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Sunny

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Hi RF, your post set off alarm bells with me, when you mentioned the "not needing you" phrase.

I would suggest that you take that seriously and try to protect your parenting rights from the get-go. I can't recall if you have filed for divorce...once I had my h served he immediately began to flat out tell me I was "unstable" and he couldn't trust me with our (teen) DD.

My lawyer is very good so far, and she immediately filed a motion on my behalf to decide a temporary custody schedule. If you have followed my sorry tale, h was p.o.'d when served again for that, and sabotaged me at every turn. But I got my 50/50 custody locked in now.  Honestly that's what I wanted so I am happy with that even tho he was a crappy spouse, and as I said in another thread impaired my parenting when around, I didn't want my DD to have a lesser r/s with him, and he impacts me less and less each day.

Just keep in mind your w may be setting the stage for her own custody advantage. Hope not, she may just be putting on a facade. Wishing you well, Sunny