Today's mental struggle

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DoingthebestIcan456

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Today's mental struggle
« on: April 01, 2016, 10:42:53 PM »
I just keep churning over my current situation, I have realized my FOO is only that, and that my s/o is my family, and he has always told me that I was his family (he is NC with his entire family) and I always felt the same but this trip has made me realize how true that is ten fold, and while I'm realizing this I feel my s/o pulling away from me, 1200 miles away and I feel very unstable knowing I need to get away from my family, but doing my best to stay positive and hope that I didn't let the FOG drag my s/o down to a point he can't handle...just hoping it isn't too late to make the changes I need for my health and happiness.


The other day I thought back to my childhood self, who vowed to leave my family and never look back when I turned 18, and here I am 24 learning the same things over and over and over again. I'm frustrated with myself, I can't even fathom how frustrated he is with me and this situation.

Everyday I'm just doing the best I can...

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gettingstronger

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Re: Today's mental struggle
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2016, 12:00:30 AM »
I know it's hard having family members who have a personality disorders. Try not to be to hard on yourself about your family.  To me, making the decision to go NC was an excruciating decision.  Try not to make the decision of going non contact based on what your boyfriend did. It is such a huge decision.  You realized your family has a PD in your early 20's.  You have more knowledge and information than I did in my 20's.  I was still in the fog, and didn't come Out of the FOG until my 30's.  Some people don't come Out of the FOG until their 60's and that's ok too.  Hang in there. It can be a long frustrating journey. You are doing great! Try not to be too hard on yourself. :)
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...  It's about learning to dance in the rain. - Vivian Greene

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Dolphin

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Re: Today's mental struggle
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2016, 08:55:16 AM »
I've read your other posts and see that you will soon be traveling far away from your FOO for a long time and returning to your SO.  You have already made a very big decision and change for your future.  One change at a time.  You are grieving right now and having a hard time processing it because you are still with the people you are grieving.  Is there any way you can find a way to detach from them during the remainder of your stay?

Its not too late for you to make the changes you speak of.  Its impossible to picture the outcome of those changes - you are on one of the many right paths your life could take.  You know enough to get away and you've made great efforts to prove to yourself that you didn't cause the problems in your FOO and you can't fix them either.   

Every one is different, and the causes of their struggles are different.  When I was first trying to get away from my PD FOO, I too met up with a SO and others who came from dysfunctional families.  I was very hard on myself that I couldn't make the changes they made.  But their journeys were a lot different from mine.  I think the dangling of material comforts and help kept me in the FOG longer than them.  In typical PD fashion, my uNPD parents picked and chose which child would get the majority of the little extra money, material items, and help they had to give.  I, of course, was always getting way less than my siblings, but I was getting more than my SO and other friends/acquaintances from dysfunctional families.   I was conditioned to think that some day, when I got as much as my siblings, no matter what it was, that would be the sign that I finally fit in.  Even after I knew this thinking wasn't helping me at all, it took a while for me to completely extract myself from it.

Like Gettingstronger said, you have a lot more knowledge in your 20's than a lot of us who were brought up in similar environments.

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practical

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Re: Today's mental struggle
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2016, 09:18:06 AM »
I hunk your name describes what you are doing - the best you can. Sometimes we need to go back to the source of our pain to get the confirmation and see it with new eyes. You have been working on coming ootf, so you had a different perspective when being there, could see and understand more of what was going on, of the dysfunctional, toxic dynamic in your FOO and as painful as it is, it might help you going forward.It might be something you remember whenever you feel the FOG coming back, that brings you back to reality.

Nearly three years ago I visited my parents for 10 days. I knew nothing about PDs back then, my M was diagnosed as bipolar and I had been NC with her several times. My enF has stylized himself as a victim of M and martyr for taking care of her, and in a way he might have been both, but really it was codependency, their forever ongoing dysfunctional, toxic dance. The key insight I had though was seeing how he constantly criticized my M even about the smallest things and constantly. For example, she had Parkinson's and at meals he would criticize her for food falling of her fork and onto the floor, he wanted her to eat it in some specific way or so, and so one time at lunch she had tears in her eyes because she could not take it anymore, and I had this lightbulb moment, that he was actually abusive. It came under a veneer of caring, but it was totally uncaring, unloving, unkind. As totally stressful as that visit was, I have never regretted making it, as I learned so much about how my FOO functioned. By now I'm sure M was uNPD and F is uOCPD with some N traits.

I'm frustrated with myself, I can't even fathom how frustrated he is with me and this situation.
Please don't be hard on yourself, it is really difficult to accept, to see, that ones FOO is a source of pain and not of love. It is natural to want to go back and see whether there is anything that can be salvaged, whether you were not overreacting. As for your S/O, can you tell him what you need right now is his support, rather than him becoming a source of stress? My DH sometimes gets very upset and angry when I tell him about an encounter with my uPDf. I have learned over time that he is not angry at me, but what he really is angry about is how anybody dares to hurt me, only I often sense his anger and it makes it worse for me. So I tell him that his behavior is not helpful to me, that I just want validation that the situation sucks, and some warmth and love and a big hug at that moment. He wants to protect me, and is frustrated that he cannot, because in the end only I can, and with the help of the information in the Toolbox     and reading and posting here regularly I have gotten much better at it.

As for going NC, like gettingstronger says, it is a big decision, and it is one you best make on your own behalf and not because of anybody else. Have you tried Medium Chill, Gray Rock, Boundaries yet? Cutting down on the frequency of contact with your FOO?

Please be gentle and loving to yourself.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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DoingthebestIcan456

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Re: Today's mental struggle
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2016, 03:56:11 PM »
I have been reading other posts about limiting contact trying to process all of my possible options, the medium chill thing I feel is where I'm at right now, only because I am in direct contact. But I feel once I go home it will be even more limited than that, I just am continually reminded how I don't fit here, and never have, down to the way I eat and view the world, I'm just the black sheep in the family. And we go through months or maybe even a year without a situation but when they do happen it makes me feel so small, and insignificant as if people are literally just telling me "your feelings don't matter" over and over again, not to mention all of the negatively impacting behaviors I have learned from me uBPD m as "normal" on top of everything else I am actively working on myself and changing those learned behaviors.

I realize I am in a strange place in life right now, trying to fly below the radar essentially, as I have my entire life, until I can return home and be my self again. While trying to take in everything happening around me so I can decide what level of contact is best for me.

Part of the realization I am having here is that I just don't really fit in with my family, nor have I ever really...and that they don't consider my feelings whatsoever in anything they do, something I am so tired of repeating to myself is, "it's just me", because now I'm questioning what that even means?

I wouldn't allow friends, aquaintenses, or even strangers make me feel like my time, space and feelings don't matter, so why do I continue to let my family do it?

I'm 24 and in the past 10 years so much has happened that still weighs on me and I am still trying to process, and I dread to see what another decade would do to me...