Trying not to have a nerves break down

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Patgirl84

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Trying not to have a nerves break down
« on: April 02, 2016, 12:59:06 AM »
My uNPDh is going to make me have a nervous breakdown.. I pray daily for strength just to get through another day but yet it's getting so hard. I still live with him but in separate rooms... He's now saying I'm dividing the family with my childish ways sleeping in my sons room... But our last fight he told me not to come back onto the our room as he was putting all of my things into trash bags,... I told myself that day that I wouldn't. Now he's saying I'm childish and it was three weeks ago but all I do is hold on to bitter and anger.. But how can you hold on to something in the past when the same things are being done to you constantly in the present ....

He trying to play Mr. Nice guy!!!!  As we all know how they do. But it's  not working this time and he knows it.... I've noticed him stalking me, he watches my every move, he calls me constantly throughout the day and asks the smallest stupidest questions, he has complained about me washing clothes daily to save money on water, but yet he washes clothes daily and I think only to see what I am wearing ..... I know this because he has made comments about certain things here and there...I know he also looks through my things when I'm not home... I've caught him even looking through my truck a few times. He has to know my every move but yet I never know exactly where he is or what he's doing...

My middle child is 17 and she has been acting out in school a lot... Grades aren't the best as well... He's saying this is all my fault because she sees how her mother is acting in the home and it's not teaching her anything positive..... But he won't own up to maybe her problem is her seeing all the fighting, degradation, the name calling, the disrespect , the telling me to get out, I'll never be good enough or educationed enough, never be a virtuous women.... The list goes on.... He accuses me of having an affair because his tactics aren't working  anymore and he says any and everything in front of the kids .....

I've been looking for a place for my kids and I but nothing seem good enough! I feel I need to make things perfect for them for taking them out of their comfort zone... The place we have now is pretty big... The apartments I'm looking at are either to much , doesn't have something I need, or to small..... I've found something I like but I'm not sure if it's to small or not... It does have everything I need in it but there is no room for a table set... They just have a bar for barstools... Is that bad? Should I get it or not is my questions in my head. It would only be the 3 of us.

So today has really been a very bad day for me and I just thought I'd get some input on anybody else feeling and going through this same chaos!!!!!!  :flat: My head is pounding and I feel very sick.... I feel like I'm losing this battle..... :'(

Thanks you guys for reading and listening!!!! :blank:

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hhaw

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2016, 01:49:48 AM »
I think a bartop is just fine for meals, and homework.  You don't need  table to be OK with your children.

What you need is space to breath away from the pd.  He's inside your space, your truck, and your head.

Time to end that cycle, and put an end to communcations you can't document easily..... emails, family wizard, etc.

Just letting him say things to and about you in front of the children is wrong, and I hope you've documented his behavior.

IF NOT PLEASE DO SO NOW BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE.  Before he discovers you're documenting his terrible behavior. 

Once he knows it will be almost impossible if he has half a brain in his head.

In the meantime, stop answering his phone calls when he bothers you.  Make him text or e mail to get a response out of you.

This will likely escalate his acting out at home, so be ready with a nanny cam or two or three. Kow how to very quickly record telephone conversations and conversations face to face.

There are little recorders you can carry on your person.  You have to push buttons so be sure to do it before you walk into the room with him, or go turn it on in the bathroom then go back in.

Your going to be much better off if you go no contact with him.  He'll whine and moan, but what he really wants is to unhinge you, then point to it in order to make you appear crazy..... drawing attention away from him, and to you.... classic pd.

Avoid this.  Skip coffe while you're under intense pressure, and learn to tap or meditate.  Excercise.  Practice self care whether you feel like it or not, bc
1.  One good feeling leads to another and....

2.  You're modeling self care for your children.  Teach them how to handle intense pressure and stress. 

3.  Taking care of yourself will likely unhinge the pd to some extent.  Document it, and keep moving towards the exit door.

That apartment sounds just fine to me.

Free yourself.  Distance yourself.  Get the pd out of your space, and you'll soon recognize the old you.  She'll be very welcome: )

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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divorcedfromnpd

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2016, 02:53:18 AM »
I agree with hhaw. If you don't already have audio and/or video documentation of his bad behavior then start the Always Be Recording (ABR) protocol now.

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Sunny

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2016, 04:32:30 AM »
Hi Patgirl84, his behavior is unacceptable, but I know what it's like to just accept it one more day...because I wasn't ready to move on, my kids were taking finals, I didn't have a full-time job...the timing will never be perfect, and I agree with the others that your kids will be fine with a counter rather than a table, what matters is your sanity.

When I moved to a spare bedroom last year after my stbexN/OCPDh injured me during an argument, I never moved back into our room. He used to sneak up behind my desk at night and hiss that I was "destroying" our children by not sleeping in our room!! It was so vicious and upset me for hours. I feel for you very much, and if you feel it's time to go then just do it. Your kids may feel more at peace, as hopefully you will too.  :bighug:  Thinking good thoughts for you, Sunny

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Hikercymru

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2016, 06:18:46 AM »
Dear Pat.
I sense that you feel paralysed by indecision. It's called learned helplessness and it has been caused by your partner. The good news is that you can unlearn it. Please Google it. Your children won't mind a smaller place as long as you are with them feeling happier and supporting them. How old are they? 
Once you are out of this creepy atmosphere you will start healing and it will be wonderful. Just make sure that the apartment is warm and clean and you got plenty of nice food. Everyone will be comfortable and happy.
I am sending you strength and resolve.
Hugs
H

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Onwards

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2016, 08:07:47 AM »
Hi Pat

I felt the same as you when i exh were still in the same house but sleeping in separate bedrooms. It was pure hell and the anxiety of waking up in the morning and knowing what would start the minute we were in the same room was just horrendous. So I wouldn't worry about not having a table in the new apartment. What's way more important is your sanity and wellbeing and you don't want to get to the stage where you can't make any decisions at all because you're so embroiled in the PD chaos.

I am still feeling tormented by the anxiety of what exh 'might' do - it's exhausted trying to keep one step ahead all the time. My T is insisting that we work on me being in the here and now and more in my body because otherwise I am in my head all the time and it's sending me loopy. Fears are escalating and I am worried all the time. But I know that worrying will not effect the outcome of anything so I have to learn to let it go, understand what I can control and what I can't and as others have said, be role modelling positive self care to my son.

Take care of yourself and know that you're not alone even if it feels that way.
Hugs
Onwards

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mdana

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #6 on: April 02, 2016, 02:08:08 PM »
Oh Boy ...

I actually did have a nervous break down years ago.  I hope this doesn't happen to you. 
Here's what I would have done differently had I known it back then.  I hope this helps you.

Try really hard to let go of the 'perfect"... Nothing will ever be perfect.  This is a special circumstance time and just accept and know that things will be chaotic, stressful and difficult for a bit. If you are hanging onto "it has to be ... perfect... or this or that"... it will really damage you more.  Give yourself a huge break...It's impossible (in my view) to think clearly and make all the best decisions when you are living under duress and turmoil (this is based on my own personal experience).  We can't see everything and we panic because somehow we know this.  SO, take 1 step at a time... and "forgive" and love yourself during this difficult time (your kids need to see this too).

Beyond that, the need for 'perfect' is really a fear driven feeling as we unconsciously attempt to regain control which causes so much anxiety (and here is the root of a breakdown ---often).  "Perfect" comes from a deep feeling of knowing that things are out of control, so we try to put things back into control and erroneously believe we actually have the power to do that (you have the power to remove yourself from the toxic environment you are in, but no power to change or control it).  Because we can't really control PD behavior and it's effect/impact, we being to lose our footing.  SO, hopefully this makes sense to you and you can let go of that heavy burden you are carrying.

See if you can work on managing the anxiety, but letting go of 'perfect' and control'.  You will likely still feel fear and anxiety around your h, so the next step toward "better" or healing,  is to leave...remove yourself (and the kids) from that environment and go NO contact. It's like having an open wound.  It needs to heal and be protected from touching, bumping, bacteria, etc... Your kids are apt to behave better, feel better, do better in a calm, loving, environment that is less toxic and chaotic. Prayer is great.  Do you have friends? Support group? Family that can help you for a bit? A temporary home you and the kids can go to that is safe until you are able to find an apt that suits you better? Sometimes we have to find a temporary plan, then an intermediate plan comes and finally a long term plan.  Maybe looking for the 'right' apartment will take some time, but the need for sanity and peace seems pretty immediate at this point.

You really want to protect yourself Patgirl84... Your sanity is more important than anything (your kids really depend on you keeping sane).  I would rather lose a limb, than my sanity. 

Accept and know that you h is mentally illl and there is nothing you can do to fix him.  Nothing... So, find a safe place to be and what matters more than anything is, the calm, peace, love and sanity between you and your beautiful children. There are resources out there (food, housing, mental health, women's shelters, legal) that you can reach for and begin to rebuild your life.  You can do this ...reach out... accept help and take 1 step ...1 day at a time.  I used to think it was not possible (to regain my life after having fallen so far down)...IT can happen! 

Stay in touch...
XOXOX
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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mdana

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #7 on: April 02, 2016, 02:17:16 PM »
One final thing...

I have actually truly known people that have lost their sanity, had major strokes and life altering health consequences as a result of staying with a PD partner and living under such chaos and stress.  It can and does happen ...

I had a nervous breakdown many years ago (compliments of my PD ex and my own ignorance) and was able to recover, but it was a long road and there were consequences, especially for my children. 

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Hoolio

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #8 on: April 02, 2016, 02:28:31 PM »
I am hoping my crazy blood pressure will calm down now I have left my uBPD w.

It was so high the week before I told her I was leaving that when the nurse checked it she said it was actually "dangerous" and insisted that a doctor see me that moment. (he put me on another pill and upped the dose of the other to the max)

I felt there was a genuine risk that my wife might "shout me to death".



I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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Hoolio

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2016, 02:32:58 PM »
At its highest it was 191 over 120
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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Empty Shell

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #10 on: April 02, 2016, 07:03:38 PM »
Patgirl84 & Hoolio:

What mdana says about the health consequences is spot-on. by Nov. '84 my blood pressure was significantly higher than yours, Hoolio (despite already being on meds for it). Nov. '14 - early Jan. '15 I had one episode of stress-related cardio myopathy, at least 2 small heart attacks, and a number (can't remember how many now) of episodes of angina. Both the GP and the cardiologist told me I WOULD be dead of a massive heart attack by April.

Dx BPD/NPD co-morbid xGF gave me the final discard in Fen. '15; I've been NC since. Nowadays my blood pressure is right in the middle of the good (normal) range, no more heart/chest issues, and no more meds needed.

It does get better...
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you might find, you get what you need...

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Hoolio

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #11 on: April 02, 2016, 09:32:53 PM »
Good news.

I am confident it will.
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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Liftedfog

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #12 on: April 02, 2016, 11:26:42 PM »
In my opinion, any place without PD is good! I left a four bedroom home and staying with family.  It is a tiny home.  I share a bedroom with my two small children. It's really cramped. But at night there is no raging and outbursts from PD. I'm not running and hiding from him wanting to hit me... I know PD is not telling the children hius delusions that are confusing and scary to them.  No walking on egg shells.  Do I miss my home and my things ?  Yes.  Do I ache to see my children not enjoying their own rooms?  Yes.   I close my eyes at night and I cry... Tears of peace of being delivered from his torture... They used to be tears of despair, of hopelessness, of fear. We are all safe now and I've gained strength on my next steps to gain back my own home that my children deserve.    :cheer:

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actiongirl

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2016, 08:22:59 AM »
I too was pushed out of the bedroom and then blamed for destroying the family when I filed for divorce.  The family home was a dream home in a beautiful setting. It's now been sold and I'm currently renting a one bedroom flat. My younger daughter (aged 19) shares the bedroom with me; my other daughter (aged 22) is living with my sister and sharing her bedroom.  We keep in constant contact.  This is a temporary situation while I try and buy somewhere.  Both daughters express how happy they are now that they are away from the abusive and controlling behaviour of their father.

Don't worry about the material things; just make sure you are there for them.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #14 on: April 05, 2016, 10:37:19 PM »
The first time you hear your kids giggling or singing while sitting at that bar/countertop, you will know you have made the right decision.  Kids aren't dumb. They want safety and happiness over possessions.  This also sets the expectation for them if, heaven forbid, they ever find themselves in a like relationship.  You are doing the right thing, and leases are not forever.  You can tough it our for a year if you have to.  :)   Strength to you!!
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Trying not to have a nerves break down
« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2016, 10:59:29 PM »
Action girl, your sister sounds like an amazing human being for sharing with your daughter. I don't know where I would be without my sisters.   :applause:   let's recognize how lucky we are to have family who have supported us in picking up pieces of our lives caused by PD chaos.