Thinking about going back

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Silent

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Thinking about going back
« on: April 02, 2016, 03:44:59 AM »
As I am writing this post, I fear I have made the wrong decision to leave my mother. Ever since I moved away, she has been gone into a depression that has set her back emotional. She got admitted into the psych ward and was discharged to a rehab facility. She has called me multiple times crying and begging me to come back. She has said me leaving has been the catalyst for everything that is happening with her. I did some research on the rehab facility she is in and I am afraid she won't be taken care of there (facility has bad reviews). Another thing I am concerned with is since no one visits my mother (due to her behavior), I fear there won't be another set of eyes to make sure she is being taken care of. I literally had to tell my sister, who lives in the same city, I would pay her to go visit our mother. With her getting older and her not wanting to do anything for herself, I fear the worst for her. And to think I could have caused it or could have prevented it is something I can't live with.

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practical

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Re: Thinking about going back
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2016, 10:37:48 AM »
Oh, what a horrible situation to be in! I'm so sorry you have to deal with the turmoil your M is causing and the blame she has put squarely on your shoulders, because she thinks the guilt this induces will get you back. It is almost like blackmail in my eyes. And honestly, which loving, caring mother would do this? Asking you to give up your happiness, your job? I think a normal parents response would be to avail herself of the local resources, ask maybe for some help you could provide by phone, but would value and respect your own life very highly and not expect you to give it up for their sake.

I skimmed through your previous posts, and I wonder whether you want to reread them. It might help you with the FOG and get you re-grounded in the very sad reality of the effects that personal contact with your M has on you. You would be in a caregiver position, you most likely would end up giving your own life to cater to her. Remember the 51% rule? Your own needs are just at least 1% more important then those of others.

Maybe you want to focus on the the 3C's rule as you are dealing with this current crises: I didn't cause it, I cannot cure it, I cannot control it.

As I am writing this post, I fear I have made the wrong decision to leave my mother. Ever since I moved away, she has been gone into a depression that has set her back emotional. She got admitted into the psych ward and was discharged to a rehab facility. She has called me multiple times crying and begging me to come back. She has said me leaving has been the catalyst for everything that is happening with her.
As far as I can see you went NC in 2013, but before then she checked herself in to a psych ward to get a week of being taken care of as you put it. In none of your posts you mention her having issues with depression. Please try to look back at what has happened over the last few years and look at the pattern your M uses to manipulate you. I don't debate that she might have needs due to her DPD, I just don't see why you should give up your life, especially as you are on so many levels not the right person to help her. She should see a counselor and work on herself to learn how to handle her life better so she can be independent. You moving back in will only perpetuate the behaviors she has displayed for so long, and that have taken your life away from you. You seem to have been able to build your own life and created some happiness for yourself, please try to give yourself at least 51%!

My uNPDm was bipolar and she would often ask me to come back and take care of her during her depressive phases, because according to her then she would feel a lot better immediately. In her manic phases she did not need me. I never took care of her during those depressive phases, as I'm not a miracle cure. I had finally managed to build my own life, create some happiness for myself and started to heal from the abuse. I was not going to risk any of this because she tried to guilt trip me by implying I could help her and when I refused I became a bad daughter.

Nearly three years ago my M was committed to a psych ward and ultimately transferred to a SNF. She guilt tripped us about this for a long time, as she wanted F to take care of her again, care by the way she had hardly ever valued and often circumvented. F felt terribly guilty, only we, his children, made it clear that she needed professional help, and that because of all he had been through with her he was suffering from sever cPTSD and could no longer take care of her. In the end, she adjusted to SNF and it was a much better place for her, as they could provide the care she needed, and my F would never have been able to provide. Even some of her physical health issues got better during this time because of the care she got. F was not even able to visit her as he had been so traumatized.

Please consider my experience with my parents as you try to figure out your situation with your M. You don't want to end up like my F, who also feels his life was stolen away from him.

As for the rehab facility your M is in at the moment, I guess if your M has not complained, I'm not sure I would get involved. Is there any chance she'll be discharged to an Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing Facility in the end, so she will be taken care of? I also find it very telling that all your siblings have very little contact with your M, and you had to argue with your sister to go and visit the rehab facility. She does seem toxic.

With her getting older and her not wanting to do anything for herself, I fear the worst for her.
This is on her, not on you. You can not change her, and as she is only 71, if you go back you might be giving up the next 20 years of your life.

And to think I could have caused it or could have prevented it is something I can't live with.
This is according to your M, no doctor told you so and never will IMO, so please consider the source as you grapple with this issue. - When my M was committed, we talked to her doctors, and they could not believe we were still involved, still trying to take care of her, given how devastating her behaviors had been to us, and totally understood my need to go NC with her, and B LC. Here is an  old post of yours I just want to add as food for thought:
Well, I just accepted an AWESOME job in another city about 600 miles from where I currently live. I am super excited but in the back of my mind, the thought of the wrath of tomfoolery my mother will engage in in order to keep me in town is like a rock in the center of my stomach.

Please give yourself plenty of time as you work through this issue, even if it feels to you right now like it has to be decided today, it doesn't really. Be gentle and kind of yourself, and try to take care of your own needs. Any chance you could talk about this with a counselor? Maybe even talking to your siblings might help for a reality check and to get the upper hand on the FOG?
 :bighug:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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SunnyandBright

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Re: Thinking about going back
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2016, 01:32:05 PM »
You were given wonderful advice from Practical -- I hope you read it carefully and then read it again. 

Just a couple of things I want to say.  You going back to her won't help her.  You may make it easier for her -- but that doesn't help her, in the long run.  That would be like having a child, and giving it everything and anything he/she wanted, for his whole life -- not making him learn and grow, or do anything for himself.  In the long run -- that doesn't help, it hurts --- and it makes them dependent on you -- forever. 

Two more things ---- one, a saying I learned here -- "Because you are cold does not mean I should have to light myself on fire to keep you warm."  (or something to that effect)   

And another thing I learned all by myself ---- there can be two unhappy people, or just one unhappy person.  Because if I try to make you happy, you still won't be happy --- it will never be enough.  So I should take care of myself and have my own life --- because then at least we can have one happy person, instead of two unhappy people.   
(and if she ever learns to be happy without me doing whatever she demands of me -- that's a bonus!  But that has nothing to do with me.)