My God, can we die from this grief?

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Hayden77

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My God, can we die from this grief?
« on: April 02, 2016, 06:20:57 PM »
It's a rhetorical question, I know the answer is yes.  I read online once that 1 out of 8 mammals dies within 6 months of losing a mate or offsping.  Sobering.

I asked my BPD GF to move out this past week.  She has agreed and is looking for a place, but it will take perhaps 2 months.  In the meantime, six of us live here as a seemingly happy family, her two kids with my two kids with the kids all adoring each other.  Now, there are tears everywhere as the sadness sinks in.  In the next two months, by two kids are moving on, something that was happening anyway as they are growing up.  And then she and her kids and our dog will move out, and I will be left alone in this big house in the country, and the thought of it is more than I can bear. 

I'm a very confident professional guy in his 50s but  I am just crying my guts out all the time from this.  I have not lived alone since I was 25 but soon I will be.  How can I make this terrible choice to send away someone who does love me very much and is great to be with 90% of the time?  But how can I continue to be with her, when I am yelled and degraded and belittled over and over again? She is delusionally jealous, with accusations coming over the most inane things.  I have never ever strayed.  She has twice though, and I have taken her back each time.  But last week after more attacks, I just could no longer handle the rages. 

How do people have the strength to do what seems to be the right thing?  And when do we ever regain our balance again?  It is tearing me apart.  I was out with my kids today shopping and I literally threw up from the stress.  I had to run to a men's room. 

Anyway, writing here seems to help me to de-stress a bit.  I wish there was some resolution with her, some way that I did not have to make this awful choice, but we have been over and over it.  I just screw up she says, and force her to yell at me.  if I would stop being a screw up, all would be fine.  it's my fault. 

thanks for reading this.  I realize its not the cheeriest thing to sift through.

Hayden

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hhaw

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2016, 06:40:45 PM »
Hayden:

Do you realize how many people go round and round, and sometimes even marry out of HOPE that the pd will somehow get better?

You're terribly brave, I hope you know that.  PLease give yourself credit for taking the step to end this now.

Just hang on to what you know to be true..... you did your best.  You tried.  You wanted this to work, but it couldn't.  Facing that truth isn't easy, but it's reality.... it's the way you avoid what will surely be larger pain, for everyone, in the future.

It's OK to accept your gf is broken beyond repair, and can't do better. 

It's OK to give yourself permission to stop the crazy mistreatment..... no one should live that way, IMO.

If your gf could do better she would.

Forgive yourself for saving yourself. 

After all.... that's the one job in this life that never changes for us.

We're always responsible for taking care of ourselves..... no one else;s responsibility.  Just ours.

When the pain gets really bad, just sit down, or go outside, or wiggle your toes in the grass.... but sit with it, and endure.  Observe what the pain brings up..... it's a messenger.  You have lessons to learn.

You will survive this, and you will feel happy again, I promise.

Relief comes when we least expect it.  One day we realize the pain isn't there... not like it was, and we're grateful and relieved, and we carry on. 

It's part of life.

Then we figure out how to stop repeating mistakes, and make new ones.

I don't know about being alone in a country house, but I do know that being on your own can be a catalyst for discovering who you are NOW.  What it is you want  NOW. 

The more pain, the larger the lessons we learn, IME.

This painful time.... this time in "the abyss" as my friend used to say..... is about going through the pain, not avoiding it, going'round it, etc..... going through it is what teaches us about ourselves.  How strong we are. 

Stay the course...... focus on self care rituals, even if you don't feel like it.  Cry when you have the house to yourself, and let it all come out.... keen like a wild animal in the shower if you  can..... you're entitled to mourn.  Please do.

You're going to be OK.

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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blackberry wine

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #2 on: April 02, 2016, 07:59:03 PM »
Hayden

I'm 53 and one month into a separation and am switching between just ok one minute and a complete basket case the next. I think it's incredibly important to have support at the this time - a relationship with a PD causes lots of trauma and I'm learning to slowly rebuild myself. When I first went to counselling after the split I was told I was displaying the symptoms of post traumatic stress.  There's more healing to do than from a break up of a "normal relationship". I have now found a qualified support group as well, to help with the grieving process.

You're an intelligent and confident fellow, so were probably targeted for your very good qualities. You have suffered abuse at the hands of someone who probably has shown no remorse for the emotional harm she has done you. Getting over this is going to take some time. I'm trying to think of a glass half-full rather than half-empty for the future.

 :bighug:

Take care and post again.
BW







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Kit99

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2016, 08:13:14 PM »
Hayden- Hhaw has some wonderful advice. I'm learning as well!

I'm still going through the struggle but what I can tell you is, you aren't alone. I didn't understand the PD behavior for the longest time- I didn't even know personality disorders existed! But with research, psych consults, and sites like this, I have a much better understanding of the condition and its effects on relationships.

I understand the struggle between your heart and mind. It's crazy making. You will grieve and analyze and grieve some more... But I've been told there is a light at the end of this tunnel. It's not healthy to live with what we've been dealing with in a PD relationship- whether things are good 80% of the time, 90%, etc. A therapist I spoke with used a good example by saying, "Would it be okay if your spouse punched you in the face once every day but was the best person in the world to you the rest of the day?" Take care of yourself and remember that you can only control your own choices and behaviors.

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Hoolio

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #4 on: April 02, 2016, 08:46:42 PM »
For the kids its it would be great if at least one parent could be

Consistent
Like a rock
Stable
Not displaying extreme behaviours
Reliable

That's what is in your power to give them.
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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Rosemarie

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #5 on: April 02, 2016, 11:50:00 PM »
Yes, very sound guidance in this thread. I am out 5 months now and the crying jags are further apart. I did have one today and mine seem to come when someone is kind or supports me and I realize how unsupported I have been. My grief at having lost my whole lifestyle, I was farming, keeping bees, tapping maple trees and living a life I enjoyed. All of that is now gone and I am living on my own in a duplex, sharing land with people who do not share my values. Very hard. I grieve alot. I do believe grief can kill you, if you do not take time for it, share it, get support and be extremely kind and gentle with yourself. Understanding that you did not cause this and you can't fix it is important. I know for myself by the time I understood this, I was so exhausted that the grief was just raw and came all the time. I spent a 4 hour car drive when I first realized what was happening sobbing. It was gut wrenching.

Not to take over with my story, but you are not alone and you will make it through. This space is very supportive and be sure to get support from a therapist and friends who can have compassion. There will be those who don't understand and sometimes this compounds the grief, but let them go for the time being and focus on self care and turn to those who support you and your decisions.

 :bighug:
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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Hayden77

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2016, 01:35:56 AM »
Thanks to all of your for your time and wonderful insight, and especially to Hhaw who really put out some amazing bullet points. 

My grief in this situation is deeply compounded by the fact that before this current relationship I was married for 21 years to a woman who has Mult. Personality Disorder.  Though this is not a contest, MPD or DID as it is now called, is astronomically more bizarre and hard to deal with than BPD.  I have PTSD from life with my DID wife.  How on earth I wound up with someone else with a personality disorder I just cannot imagine.  I do believe, as someone else said in a post, that there are many more people with personality disorders than the experts purport.  But maybe there is some part of me that sensed that my GF had a disorder and wanted to "fix things" this time around.  I just don't know.  All I know is that I spent a decade recovering from my life with my ex-wife only to be deeply hurt all over again but this "soul mate".  And I feel like I should have known better, like I should be an expert in messed up people by now.  But I'm clearly not. 

Both of these women are absolutely astounding in so many ways.  Far and above most people I have ever met.  Why is that and do others of you think that about your partners as well?  That while having a PD, they also have some truly wonderful qualities that make them so tremendously alluring?  My ex-wife is by far the most amazing person I have ever met.  Sweet, kind, compassionate, funny, genuine beyond compare.  Until she got ill, and everything shifted.  And I would say much the same of my GF, although she was already ill and just masked her symptoms until I was in very deep.

Anyway, I am curious to know if others of you would say the same thing, that your mates also have things about them that are far and away more amazing than other people you have dated.  That is what has kept me in the game with my GF for this long, she is just incredible, everyone says so.  They are staggered by her.  How tragic that she has this "dark side" to her. 

Thanks again for giving me some strength tonight.  I have been SO very close to throwing in the towel, to going to her and collapsing in tears and asking her to come back to me.  She is sitting downstairs crying right now.  I could do it in less than 30 seconds.  And be feeling much better....for a while. 

Hayden

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waking up

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2016, 01:58:11 AM »
Hayden
Maybe some PD people work harder on promoting their good points than nonPDs. After all it is all about image and ego for them. They often strive to be the best and love to win.
I've now realized that the best qualities to look for in someone are honesty, respect, an ability to admit mistakes and apologize for hurting you. Those are the things that count.

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Oneness

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2016, 10:48:53 AM »
I understand your pain, so sorry you are suffering. Like others have said, et yourself feel the pain and move through it. Do as much self care as you can. Therapy can also help. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel...

I felt the way about my unBPD exSO as you feel about your GF. He is an amazing man, gifted and talented, highly intelligent and charming, and very physically beautiful. I grieved for a long time over the man he could have been if not for his unBPD. In the beginning, he was so sweet, kind, considerate, loving and giving. I fell for him hard and ignored the red flags...he told me things I should have taken seriously, but I did not understand at the time that he was BPD. I thought I could help him, I thought I could save him, fix him...I did not fathom how very sick he really was. He turned on me after a year into the relationship...Mr. Hyde came out. I was reeling...where has my precious love gone? A year and a half later he flipped again...but the damage to me and our relationship from his verbal and emotional abuse had changed me...I no longer trusted him, and the deep love I had for him was decimated. Still, like you, he could be wonderful most of the time (when off the booze). But that 10% of the time he was abusive was over the top...I don't want to recount it all here and high jack this thread, but he gave me PTSD as many of us have from these toxic relationships.

Just know...you are not alone, there is hope...we who have gone through this before you are here for you. You will heal...but once your GF is gone, it is imperative you work on your recovery. Without that, chances are you will slip back - either to her or with another PD. I am out almost 2 years, and still working on my own recovery...no dating, it is time for me to fix what is broken in me and what he broke in me.

 :bighug:
It's better to love and lost, then to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

If your presence can't add value to my life, your absence will make no difference.

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hhaw

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2016, 06:30:14 PM »
Lord, if you've thrown in the towel, then it's likely the pain of staying is worse than the pain of going.

Sure, giving in and throwing in the towel gives you a momentary respite from the pain, but..... then you realize you can't stay AGAIN, have to have that terrible "It's over
 conversation  AGAIN, then have to see the pd crumble, break down, sob etc AGAIN, and is that fair to the pd? 

If that split is coming.....
there's a saying....

"the kind cut is the stinkiest cut." 

Ending it, then relenting, then ending it.... there's nothing clean about that.  It's a very stinky way to end a relationship if you KNOW it has to end eventually, IME.

Time to think through large decisions, and not DO DO DO stuff when you're really suffering.  Don't make choices based on short term relief from pain and discomfort, if it means you're doubling the pain and duration you suffer, kwim?

Do what's going to move everyone out of this painful place with economy of motion, so everyone feels better sooner.

Or not.

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Liftedfog

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2016, 09:57:02 PM »
Sounds like you could be tempted to just throw in the towel because she is living with you. You need to get through the time spent in same house until she moves out.   Can you remove yourself and stay away temporarily until she leaves???  Time away from PD helps the fog to lift faster and makes us stronger.

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mdana

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2016, 10:55:13 PM »
It's normal to be fearful and even more normal to NOT want to have pain (physical and/or emotional).  Plenty of people spend an entire lifetime avoiding pain.  Many even die in the process ... (one of the root causes of addiction is pain avoidance, and many PD's develop as a result of early childhood trauma in which the individual then goes on to develop coping mechanisms geared to survive such trauma ...and avoid ... the pain).  Often, that's why people disassociate, are unable to accept accountability, split (psychological), go into deep denial, leave reality....to avoid the pain. I am referring to folks with PD, and not those with organic disorders.

Pain is ... sometimes necessary.  We can grow in many ways, develop wisdom, maturity, and inner strength if we are just willing to sit with the discomfort, the pain, the grief ... long enough to make the journey out of the darkness. 

Just my 2 cents of course...
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Hoolio

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2016, 07:23:02 AM »
 :yeahthat:

100%
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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Hayden77

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #13 on: April 04, 2016, 07:15:34 PM »
hi Folks.  Just letting you all know that I did NOT throw in the towel and made it through that very tough stretch of two days ago.  It was very hard indeed but I credit you guys with helping me to stand my ground.  I have gone a created a videotape of myself talking to my "weaker" self and reminding me of the nasty things she has done to me and that this behavior will never change, it will just happen over and over again. 

In the meantime, I am learning to coexist with her in the house, getting away when I can.  Escaping into rejuvenating and morally deep TV programs. (Thank GOD for Sponge Bob!)

Thanks to all of you.

Hayden

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hhaw

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2016, 09:10:56 PM »
I am learning to coexist with her in the house, getting away when I can. Well.... co exist sounds rather strong.  You're learning to wait patiently while she goes through her catalogue of pd behaviors... whatever they're going to be till she finds another place to live.  remember.... when she's acting out, you don't have to DO anything.  You can just let her be and not do anything.... maybe leave, or put another episode of morally invigorating tv on the telly...::nods:: Escaping into rejuvenating and morally deep TV programs. (Thank GOD for Sponge Bob!)  Hee :doh: 

Chin up.  This too shall pass.
hhaw


Thanks to all of you.

Hayden
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Rocket Girl

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Re: My God, can we die from this grief?
« Reply #15 on: April 04, 2016, 09:58:55 PM »
Hi.  Some people with BPD are known to disassociate, so we with BPD partners may have experienced the "shift in personality" you mention.  It is scary and sobering.  I saw at least 3 other characters in my ex than the one he showed to the world. 

They come across as wonderful because they are chameleons (sp?).  Of course people are going to like them.  They are looking in a mirror.  The PD doesn't even know who he/she really is.  And they can charm the spots off a leopard.  In addition, if they are like my ex, they are narcissists to boot so dress well, groom well, etc.  It's all about the appearance of perfection.

Oh, they are also icky.  Keep telling yourself that.  And keep telling yourself you would rather not live in this conflict.  The fog will clear, I promise.  Good luck.

p.s. These people are not genuine.  I never once heard my ex say he was sorry.  When I would try to tell him what he had done that was mean, or condenscending, or whatever, he would just nod and look straight through me.  All the time probably thinking, I need to get rid of her, she isn't making ME feel good about MYSELF!
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.