She gives them all we don't have except unconditional love

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mindcirkus

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She gives them all we don't have except unconditional love
« on: April 02, 2016, 08:36:49 PM »
Just beginning divorce of my bpdw. i want to stay in the house until it's sold and divorce is final. My bpdw spends more than I make, and refuses to work. My 2 oldest are away at college and I have a 16 and 14yr old at home. She buys them everything they need, want and don't need and want. She physically, emotionally,and psychologically abuses them. When my 16 yr old doesn't score a goal in hockey she criticizes him for 3 days. It goes on and on.

Here's the problem. She now hates my guts, and constantly plays victim to the kids, and they buy it hook line and sinker. I had lunch with my 16 yr old yesterday, and he thinks I am disrespectful because I won't talk or listen to his mom ( the nicest mom on the planet according to him.) Long story short, she expends all of her living energy trashing me to the kids. They are upset because when she is upset she makes damn sure everyone else is upset, and she is the best at doing that. She can walk around following me calling me names, and my 16 yr old thinks I'm rude because I won't talk to her.

I think there is little I can do until we are separated and divorced, do you guys agree?

Some of you know my story. I have put up with this woman for 5 years now for the kids sake, and now she is semi alienating me from them. They will never turn on me completely because I don't give any reason to but she has them questioning my behavior toward her, which leads them to feel moving and divorce and being a little tight on money is my fault. I'm ranting I know.

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Latchkey

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Re: She gives them all we don't have except unconditional love
« Reply #1 on: April 02, 2016, 11:23:06 PM »
I moved your post over here as I think it got accidentally posted in Dealing with PD Parents which is for adult children of parents with PDs. I'm not sure what books and sites you have looked at but I'd recommend you check out these books called Splitting and Divorce Poison. Also check out the web sites of Bill Eddy and High Conflict Institute. There are many free articles on the site.

It sounds to me like this is not semi alienating behavior but actual alienation and teens can be especially vulnerable. I don't know enough about your situation or your kids personalities but I'd say that gently explaining your side and not allowing false beliefs to grow and fester is important. You can ask questions instead of long explanations like
"well, if your best friend followed you around your house and called you names what would you do?" Let your 16 year old talk for himself and instead of just repeating simplistic lines he is hearing from his mother.

This stuff is difficult to process for kids so keep the dialog going. If the kids have a therapist they can be helpful in working through these things too.


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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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hhaw

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Re: She gives them all we don't have except unconditional love
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2016, 12:36:34 AM »
Kids are pretty smart.  If you're uber compassionate when you speak to your son about his mother... if you make little excuses for her you don't necessarily buy yourself, your son might feel safe enough to speak his truth. 

If you 're silent in the face of his accusations, if you defend yourself.... he likely feels defensive of her, and that's her goal.   Disarm her with kindness.  Never ever ever react with anger, bc she wants you to look crazy and abusive.  That's where she's heading, and she'll point to it as cause for all the problems in your family relentlessly if you take the bait, IME.

She wants to be viewed as the victim while doing pretty rotten things to you.  It's non sensical, but it's what they do, IME.

Remember your wife is mentally unbalanced, and go way way out of your way to be compassionate when speaking about her or to her if you can.  It eventually pays off, IME.

Good luck,

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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kiwihelen

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Re: She gives them all we don't have except unconditional love
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2016, 04:29:32 AM »
If you haven't found Shrink4Men read there too. We have guys who have experienced alienation. My SO lost nearly 3 precious years because his elder daughter believed the lies her mother spun. Speak with your L about getting the kids into therapy to help them cope with the divorce - and make sure the T knows their stuff re alienation.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: She gives them all we don't have except unconditional love
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2016, 10:04:54 AM »
Good to hear from you and I've sometimes wondered how you are doing. It's so good and I remember how you've worked so hard to enlighten protect your children rather than enabling or disassociating yourself. Having a uPDm and enF was difficult and uPDm was on the verge of leaving enF at one point. To her face I did what I needed to survive, I was preteen at the time. Your kids are older but the fact that they do what they need to survive is primal, they likely know deep down what's what.

I agree with hhaw to keep presenting a mild and kind front, do not let her triangulate you and the children. Check out Karpman drama triangle - here or Internet search - and the Triangulation trait. Keep moving to center position and don't let it happen. Adults have a difficult time not getting sucked into the triangle and taking sides so it's all the more important you understand the dynamic and how to stay center so the kids don't get pulled into the triangle.

Wishing you peace and thank so much for the update.
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

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iamfree

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Re: She gives them all we don't have except unconditional love
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2016, 12:41:07 AM »
Mindcirkus, please don't think that your children can't be alienated because you don't do anything to deserve it. None of us do, but some of us are alienated from out children. The pwBPD/NPD can have a very powerful hold. My son is enmeshed with my uNPDEXh. My son doesn't tell me the things his father says, but he (son) treats me with disdain, and is very rude and disrespectful. If I ask him how he did on a test, he tells me I am being annoying! Yet he will talk to his father for 20 minutes about the same test.I believe the ex blames me for the divorce, although we both wanted it, but I filed first which made it look as it I initiated it. Beat him by a few days. He's been warned (in court) about talking to the children about money, their activities, if I say "no", etc, but somehow he thinks he was told he "doesn't have to lie to the children", whatever that means in his sick mind. It is so painful dealing with them. I'll have my son tomorrow, for 2 days, after 4 days with his father, so it will be hell!

So please do whatever you can to diffuse the alienation. You have the benefit of KNOWING what she's telling him.  Good luck!!

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mindcirkus

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Re: She gives them all we don't have except unconditional love
« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2016, 07:34:35 AM »
I try to give more value to this sight than I get from it but, you guys make it nearly impossible. Again, I thank you for saving my sanity, and in a very real way, my life!

As I move through the most difficult part of this seemingly endless journey, I will look for times when I can contribute. I feel like I will have a Ph.D. In BPDw by the time I'm finished.

One key point is, I heard all of the stories, and read all of the books on "splitting" etc.
Nothing can prepare you for the transformation that occurs with a bpdw when she finally realizes it's over!!

I never knew a human was capable of saying or doing the things that she has done!! It's worse than anything in any horror movie!!

God give me strength!

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kiwihelen

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Re: She gives them all we don't have except unconditional love
« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2016, 07:38:57 AM »
Mindcirckus, you will find it is the gift that keeps on giving until your children are adults I'm afraid. We are 6 years in. Only 4 more till Youngest reaches majority and we are still trying to address basic issues like healthcare and education.

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Latchkey

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Re: She gives them all we don't have except unconditional love
« Reply #8 on: April 04, 2016, 03:21:53 PM »
It is mind boggling how intense the abandonment fears can be. The "I hate you, don't leave me" stuff is beyond the pale and every story I have read on this and other forums for the past 12 years is different yet frighteningly the same. As hhaw says, trying to have compassion for the person with PD is key to saving your self. What I saw and experienced the end of the marriage with my ex PDH's was so terrifying that I still wonder, from a distance, what kind of inner turmoil can drive a person to act that way. I don't question it anymore. I know for a fact that the fear and pain is so real to them that they will do anything to make it go away- some self harm, some harm others, others alienate, most do some combination of all 3 and more. The best you can do is focus on yourself. Focus on your kids, your work, your extended family, community, friends..... Don't let her flailing drag you under.
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
-
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.