stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply

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newday

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stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« on: April 03, 2016, 01:42:04 AM »
its been a while since I posted but I need some support.  STBNPDH filed last august. Months prior to that I found messages from a neighbor/D12's friend's mom that were definitely questionable on his phone.  He showed up tonight at D9's concert with his new skanky supply as his date.  D12 is an emotional wreck.  He even walked up to D12 in front of her friends with the new supply to say hi, which of course caused d12 to fall apart into tears.  Please tell me what to say to d12.  I told her mommy is fine and not to worry about me but she told me she is not fine and that she is done with her dad.  He went out of his way to make sure both D's saw him with his new supply.  Is this entirely screwed up or am I just too emotional?

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openskyblue

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2016, 03:07:03 AM »
It's entirely screwed up. How selfish of him to bring his new girlfriend to your daughter's concert, where she was probably already nervous and trying to do a goo job.

Yes, I think your focus she be on her and how she feels. 

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Sunny

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2016, 03:44:11 AM »
Completely insensitive and selfish behavior on his part. Is your daughter in counseling? Even if the school has someone she could talk to once or twice maybe that would help her process her feelings. Glad you told her you are fine, and hope she feels better soon.

Probably wouldn't help but if you are hearing from your ex about what a good job DD did etc maybe mention that your kids were not prepared to be introduced to him r/s in such a public way. Of course, PDs may not feel any shame, but if he has even a tiny bit about it maybe it would help him in his approach next time around. Your call, but I feel for you and your girls  :bighug: :bighug: Sunny

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kiwihelen

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2016, 04:13:32 AM »
Is your DD in therapy?

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newday

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2016, 02:09:11 PM »
Both d are in therapy. I didn't clarify that the new supply is the same woman he was messaging last year - when we were still very married. She was with her 2 kids - who are both in my girls' classes at school and live in my neighborhood. I'm not surprised by who it is because I suspected they were messing around last year. I'm not surprised he would parade her in front of me but I am surprised he would do this to the girls given we are still fighting over custody.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2016, 05:41:39 PM »
What a horrible thing to do.  I know when I broke up with my first h, he had found someone else.  I begged him not to take the woman around the kids, that they were not ready and didn't approve.  He didn't care.  Showed up at the oldest d's house at Christmas with her. 

They can be so selfish. 

Take the high road.  Be strong for your girls, you will raise strong women that won't put up with that shit either.  That's YOUR reward. 
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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hhaw

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2016, 06:34:46 PM »
Document like crazy, bc he'll likely allege alienation in the custody battle, even though he's clearly alienating his children himself.

You need to be able to show it, hopefully without involving the children.

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Ginger56

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2016, 08:17:27 PM »
Very sorry to read about his behavior Newday--- my observation is this: what the heck is wrong with his new supply that she is willing to be so insensitive YOUR children AND HER OWN!! OMG! Obviously she doesn't care what her kids think, what you and your kids think, the school body, or the fact that the kids know each other. You are stronger than I am Newday. A Giant hug for you and your kids. I have one last word..... KARMA.
Whether it's a parent, sibling, friend, spouse or family member, do not allow them to drag you down a hole for the rest of your life.

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Ginger56

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2016, 08:25:22 PM »
Very sorry to read about his behavior Newday--- my observation is this: what the heck is wrong with his new supply that she is willing to be so insensitive YOUR children AND HER OWN!! OMG! Obviously she doesn't care what her kids think, what you and your kids think, the school body, or the fact that the kids know each other. You are stronger than I am Newday. A Giant hug for you and your kids. I have one last word..... KARMA.
Whether it's a parent, sibling, friend, spouse or family member, do not allow them to drag you down a hole for the rest of your life.

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hhaw

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2016, 09:19:40 PM »
-- my observation is this: what the heck is wrong with his new supply that she is willing to be so insensitive YOUR children AND HER OWN!! OMG!

The new supply believes whatever gut wrenching emotionally charged lies the pd is telling her about the bio mom.  My bet is his tale involves adjectives like crazy, ungrateful, jealous, demanding, critical, abusive, lazy, and unfit.

::nodding::

Whatever the pd told new supply....
she believes. 

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Hoolio

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #10 on: April 03, 2016, 09:36:41 PM »
ugh. Ugly scene!

Comes across like cruel punishment.

Was one of the new woman's kids in the performance too?
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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Liftedfog

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #11 on: April 03, 2016, 09:47:30 PM »
Absolutely pathetic!  Of all the supplies he can choose from.. He picks a mother from your children school. I bet that is what is hurting your daughter the most. And she is so right to be feeling so broken over this. And this mother has kids in same school!. Like really.   I wish you could just move the kiddos to another school. But nothing would stop expd from finding another supply at that school.  Clearly he is mentally unstable.  It most likely won't last long with this woman but that doesn't spare your daughter from the drama and chaos that will follow them to school.   Any possibility your daughter wants to change schools?   This new supply must be just as mentally unbalanced as him. Good riddens!

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newday

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #12 on: April 03, 2016, 09:50:03 PM »
Both of her kids were there with stbxnpd and new supply. I sent d9 home with another family so she didn't see him but d12 is pretty messed up over it

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HotCocoa

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #13 on: April 03, 2016, 09:55:31 PM »
Newday, first off, there are no words to how cruel that was.  I am so sorry.  No excuse for that behavior, none.  Is it possible to call the guidance counselor at school and let them know what took place?  My children's guidance counselor has been wonderful to me in calling out some of my own husband's behavior in seeing how it has affected my kids in a negative way in school.  I think it might be helpful to have a candid conversation with them to see what they say and alert them to the situation.  Your daughter is in class with her daughter.  Your daughter needs a lot of support right now.  As do you, but to see this girl everyday is like a slap in the face to her.  This is going to be hard on her.  I'm just so sorry.  I wish I could give you a hug right now.  His behavior is just so cruel. 
The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #14 on: April 04, 2016, 01:37:53 AM »
Newday, I am so sorry.  Neither you nor your girls deserve this.  12 is such a weird age anyway, well all thru high school too.  Its just a time when peer pressure is everything and kids don't need their parents doing something dumb ass.  Obviously neither of these parents are mature enough to have kids.  Let her talk it out; she's probably mortified. 
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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bopper

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #15 on: April 04, 2016, 05:20:47 PM »
I would definitely call the guidance counselor at school so if there is any issues between the kids they know what is up..plus just in general if your DD is having a hard time.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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hhaw

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #16 on: April 04, 2016, 09:34:19 PM »
I'd have to think a while, then write an e mail to stbx pd, then re craft it till it's just right.

The major goal would be to document the incident, but I'd also hope my words sounded so grounded, so focused on my child's pain..... so non judgmental on my part that he FELT very small, and unfit as a father which typically makes the pd's lash out emotionally. 

It's what they like to do to us, IME.

Be calm.  Ask him if he believes it's time to introduce new people to the children when the divorce is still ongoing.  It created a situation with DD12, as he saw/everyone saw, when she broke down at the event and couldn't recover.  This is traumatic enough without putting the children in this position, blah blah.

If he barks back with a defiant response, you might might tell him his child is suffering, and you aren't accusing him of anything.  Rather,  you're asking him to please just push back introducing new love interests until the kids have had a little time to adjust, at least until the divorce is final. 

You'll of course be hoping he sees how this is harming the girls, and agree it's not in their best interests. 

Oh boy, expect some fireworks, bc he won't like the idea of BEING that guy with a divorce and custody battle looming.  He'll want to paint you black, but you aren't being snarky, or unreasonable.  You're not asking him to stop seeing this woman, after all.

It's verbal jujitsu, and I'm hoping your DD12 feels better soon.
hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Philomena

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #17 on: April 06, 2016, 02:33:34 PM »
My NPD/BipolarII ex was messing around the year before I kicked him out (daughter found the messages on the spare phone).  We divorced in Sep of last year and he had a date for his family Christmas -- guess who from the messages. 

She didn't make it to Easter though....

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A_newlife2014

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Re: stbxnpdh showed up at d9's concert with his new supply
« Reply #18 on: April 06, 2016, 10:31:37 PM »
Ugh Newday, gut-churning. Truly. No, you're not overreacting. This is so terrible; I'm sorry you guys had to go through this. Is your daughter feeling any better?

Obviously the therapist comes into play here. As for you and the DDs. .... I try very hard to be non-judgmental when talking to DS if he's upset about something his dad did. I sympathize, tell him I don't know why his dad did X, Y, Z, either, and just try to make him feel better by being there for him. I try to leave myself out of the situation except as support, and make sure the PD behaviors fall squarely on the PD's shoulders and say "I don't know why...." which is true enough.

Has this affected your daughter's r/s with her friends too?

Despicable.

NPDxh not only introduced DS to his new GF within what seemed like 2 minutes of meeting (and while we were still hashing out custody/divorce -- everything was still very new, and not settled, for DS), but also had integrated him into her family and vice versa, before I even caught wind of it. He was having DS prepare for bed at her house -- when even preparing for bed at NPDxh's own house was new for DS, since we both moved after the D. I was so pissed but NPDxh of course was proud as punch.

Hang in there newday.
- ANL