I retained an attorney today.

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unicorn

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I retained an attorney today.
« on: April 04, 2016, 07:13:46 PM »
I've been on this forum off and on for about 4 years. I finally did it.  I took the big step.  I couldn't have done it without all the support and insight here, so thank you everyone.  I feel terrified and worried (mostly for my children), but I know that there will be better days ahead. I chose life!!

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Hikercymru

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2016, 07:21:41 PM »
Unicorn!!!
I have followed your story since I joined the forum last year. Well done  :applause:
I am glad that you have taken this step. 
So what did you think of this attorney?  Do you want to share your thoughts?
I am very excited for you
Big hugs
H

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Rocket Girl

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2016, 07:29:25 PM »
Gold stars to you Unicorn!  It is scary when they've torn down our self esteem, but by gosh you have found the strength and done it! 

I am so proud of you.  Hugs your way!
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Scout

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2016, 07:35:24 PM »
Well done, unicorn:applause:

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Oneness

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2016, 08:17:12 PM »
You struggled for so long to get this point....sending you strength and positive energy! You can do this!  :applause: :applause: :applause:
It's better to love and lost, then to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.

If your presence can't add value to my life, your absence will make no difference.

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mdana

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #5 on: April 04, 2016, 10:29:50 PM »
Good for you Unicorn...

It's hard to see at first, but you took the first step in ....self-love.  You are choosing to honor yourself, rather than abandon yourself by remaining in a relationship that is toxic and abusive to your organism (physical, mental, emotional)... YAY!!!

 :cheer:

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Gone4Good

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #6 on: April 04, 2016, 10:31:53 PM »
Good for you. It's scary and exhilarating at the same time! Your cage door is open now.

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healingnow

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #7 on: April 04, 2016, 10:55:17 PM »
Congrats to you Unicorn!   You did it, you took that big step.  I'm sending you lots of cyber hugs. Keep posting to let us know how you are doing.  I hope to be sharing your same good news next week.  xoxo

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FinallyPeace

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2016, 12:32:16 AM »
I don't know your back story, but I'm glad if you're glad.  :wave:
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
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"Red flags aren't party favors.  Don't collect them."
--Unknown

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Sunny

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2016, 02:08:59 AM »
That must be a huge relief, also sending positive energy your way!!  :heythere:

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unicorn

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2016, 11:28:42 AM »
Thank you!  It is a huge relief. I retained a very aggressive female attorney who I believe can fight for my best interests.  I have explained my H to them as adequately as possible. As this point we are filing very "vanilla" pleadings that denote I receive majority custody of the children.  I've decided not to bring in any of the mentally instability unless he ends up fighting me.  I did this because he seems to be very non threatening (physically) to the kids.  And I didn't want to "poke the bear" and in turn make it worse on myself. Also I know that he can run circles around a psychiatrist so that may end up just being a waste of money and time anyways.  We should have this filed and served on him before the end of this month. 

Anyone wanna put money on whether or not I will end up w a restraining order at that point?

It is so nice to just hand everything over and say "here, fix this" lol.  So far, worth every penny.

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hhaw

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2016, 12:17:27 PM »
There will be good days, and there will be bad days.

HOpefully you can handle all communications about kiddos through text and e mails..... not have to speak to the pd much at all..... if ever again. 

I'm guessing you will need a TRO, and that evidence will bring an end to the divorce struggle sooner than later, with economy of resources, trauma, and time.

YOu can't allege mental health issues, but you can certainly lay out evidence of it, One, Two, Three so everyone can see it, rather than have to figure out who's lying, and who's not.

This will be a HE said SHE said if you don't have your ducks in a row paperwork wise.

What do you think the pd's erroneous allegations toward you will be?

That's when things get interesting.... when we're spending all our time defending negatives, while trying to keep the kids lives level.

Be ready to hand your attorney what she needs to advocate for you.  Don't allege anything you can't prove.  Be ready to record, and document in spectacular fashion now that the wheels are turning.

Don't miss an opportunity to document if you can swing it.   Make sure to focus on the children during this time... make sure you plan fun things, and look them in the eyes present in the moment as you can.

Nuff said about that.
::sending you strength and focus::

All will be well.
hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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mdana

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #12 on: April 05, 2016, 02:34:09 PM »
Unicorn:

Great you have an agressive attorney ...and ok to do vanilla start, but ...my recommendation to you and your attorney is have everything ready to pull out the big guns and fight agressively.  Seems like these men with PD's can turn on a dime! Hopefully not, in your case, but there will be less anxiety for you if you are prepared. 

All of this can be done with a smile on your face by the way.  The more calm and level headed you are, "matter of fact" the better. Smile on your face with gentleness, not mocking him of course.  You can even say things like "it's sad, we are parting, but let's do this with dignity"... "let's do what's best for the kids...they really need us to show them our best selves right now"


Like hhaw says... document, document, record, document and gather all the evidence (have it ready, even if you do not need it).  Know where he may come after you and have evidence to refute that. AND, good strategy would be to file a motion for trial (even if you don't go to trial...just letting him know you mean business). Then, try to negotiate and avoid trial ...
Remember that dragging out the process costs money ...

Good idea to watch the expenses on behalf of the attorney (even if you think she's amazing and the most wonderful person on earth).  Divorces can be so costly and that will send her the message that you are watching expenses and part of the team. I didn't do that at first and was getting charged for repeat explanations (phone calls), emails to clarify something I didn't need clarity on, "office supplies" (paper clips, staples, copies) --insane.  In some cases, some of the work can be done by their paralegal to cut cost.  And... I provided all info well organized, tabbed and with written explanations (in their format style--email and print) in order to avoid more costs. 

When we got divorced my ex initially said (and cried, mind you) "I don't want to fight...I want what's best for the kids...I will be good to you M...you are the love of my life".  Showed me all the possible numbers on the MSA, all fair to both of us. He wrote things down on napkins and via email (which I kept).  I was so relieved!!!  I even wondered why things got this way?  Was he wonderful after all?  Started to feel bad and confused about the break up?

Then, the tornado hit! He flipped so fast, and suffice it to say that I ended up needing 3 attorney's and 1 private investigator to ultimately get what the law already guarantee's...and not a penny more. Attorney's sometimes have subspecialties btw (I needed a specialty child custody attorney--she knew domestic violence/abuse very well;  1 on divorce and business evaluation that was an aggressive trial attorney and published books on business evaluation methods; and the original guy --ethical attorney that wrote the law on spousal/child support).  There are formulas for everything these days, but plenty of loop holes and grey areas.

So, all this to say ... good for you and ...be prepared as much as you can.  It will be both a relief and a painful process.  So, just know that and put your best foot forward. 

Stay in touch Unicorn!  I have followed your story over the past several months. 
Lots of love!
XOXOXO

M



Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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mdana

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #13 on: April 05, 2016, 02:42:07 PM »
One more thing Unicorn;

I didn't expect to have as much anxiety as I did during the process. It was so stressful, that some days I thought I would have a heart attack.  I finally got an Rx for Inderol (a beta blocker used to lower blood pressure that also works for panic and anxiety without being habit forming or mood altering). You might consider something like this and a plan to work on managing the anxiety that goes along with such huge stressors.  Maybe start some Yoga, meditation, spiritual practices...find a solid group of supportive friends... therapy... whatever works for you, but good to have several ways to manage the emotional ups and downs.

XOXO
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Kit99

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Re: I retained an attorney today.
« Reply #14 on: April 05, 2016, 03:58:09 PM »
Unicorn- best of luck to you. I'm finding your comment below to be very true in my s2bxH's case. A PD won't get better if the individual isn't truthful with the psych/therapist who can diagnose and develop a treatment plan. Very sad to realize it's simply going through the motions and checking the box, so to speak.

"Also I know that he can run circles around a psychiatrist so that may end up just being a waste of money and time anyways."