I wish to have contact with a person who is experiencing the cut off from family

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hope2016

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I wish to have contact with a person who is also experiencing the cut off from a family union. My dear dad has taken the site of the person in my family who is treating me like ...t. I don't know how to handle this and it is been going on for more than three years. Limitted contact or no contact with my father, no approach from my father to resolve, rejection to confrontation from the person whom I have a conflict with.

All resolved in no normal contact to any of my familymembers. And they turning against me or at least my father is. Blind and ignorant he is hiding from the truth - and I have done my job as an adult: reestablished contact with teen siblings individually, confronted the feelings of disappointment towards my father - constantly forgiving. But he is not reaching out to me.

The person who is causing this has before in my youth left me with deep feelings of shame and selfhate. Now when I love myself, she has turned against me - and now I fear: my family unit as well.

Because I want to confront, become friends and talk it out - she has projected all kind of ...t towards me and my family is buying it. The bull....

They think I like intrigues and conflict witch I don't. I just don't think it is healthy to pretend and bury. At least talk it out. Here is my limit.
She is trouble. And even though she has a hard time because of something with her daughter, I still don't think she is treating me in an adult mature approach - she had given me silent treatment for over three years - so I suspect she doesn't give a s...

I am looking to find a girl or a guy, my age, to share this experience. I have no family left at the moment.
Ive been an adult as a child in some ways also.

Have a good one
You deserve it
XX
 

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Latchkey

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Hi hope2016,

I moved your post over here because I do believe from your past posts that you were dealing mostly with a PD aunt who I am assuming is your Dad's sister?
You mention teen siblings-- are you older and living on your own away from the family home? Teens may not be able to understand what is going on as they are still living with a parent and haven't gotten out on their own yet. Being patient with your siblings is one thing, dealing with your Dad and your PD aunt is another thing.

Many here have dealt with a PD family member and do understand. Let us know a little more of what is going on when you can.

 :bighug:

Latchkey

Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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Bloomie

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Hi hope2016 - It really is lonely at times coming OOTF and either going NC or experiencing family members cutting us off and out of their lives. I read a bit of your past posts to get a better idea of your circumstances and it makes perfect sense to me that you would be feeling isolated and lonely. I am really glad you are here and sharing with us.

I don't know if you have heard of Brene Brown and her amazing work and research about how shame affects us. Here is an excerpt from a blog post from her latest book called Rising Strong that I thought may lift you up:

Quote
The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness. We must reclaim the truth about our lovability, divinity, and creativity

Lovability: Many of my research participants who had gone through a painful breakup or divorce, been betrayed by a partner, or experienced a distant or uncaring relationship with a parent or family member spoke about responding to their pain with a story about being unlovableóa narrative questioning if they were worthy of being loved.

This may be the most dangerous conspiracy theory of all. If thereís one thing Iíve learned over the past thirteen years, itís this: Just because someone isnít willing or able to love us, it doesnít mean that we are unlovable." Brene Brown, Rising Strong - link to blog post: http://brenebrown.com/my-blog/page/2/
(bolded emphasis mine)

It seems that those who were in the best position to love and support you - your Aunt, and protect and champion you - your father, let you down. For whatever reason they have not treated you with the consideration, kindness, respect, and tenderness you deserve.

We respond most commonly to being devalued in this way by trying to understand the inexplicable. By wondering what is wrong with us, what it is about us that makes us unloveable or unworthy of grace when we make a mistake or generosity, or equality.

We ask why are we not as valuable as another family member? Why when there is an issue or conflict, are we not worth resolving things with? How could our family turn away from us so completely, cruelly? When we are falsely accused and smeared, where are the voices of those that "know" us crying out for that to stop, setting the record straight, standing up for us instead of strangely quiet?

As I came OOTF I looked around and almost every close relationship I had, had some kind of disorder or dysfunction in it, and many of those relationships existed only as long as I allowed myself to be mistreated or used. The basis of those relationships was not love as I understood love. I thought I was building authentic relationships with family members on the firm foundation of trust and respect. I was not. I concluded from all of this that I was unloveable. Deeply flawed. Disposable. I was filled with shame and grief and disappointment in myself. This was a sentinel moment that would bring about a rebirth in my heart and life and a rebuilding of how I engaged in relationships with others.

I had to leave those relationships that were built on the shifting sand. I had to find solid ground and a healing path for my life.  At one point I didn't know if there would be one single person left from my old life to take that journey with. It is lonely at times as we heal and grow and incredibly painful. But... there is hope for a better future and reciprocal and loving relationships.  :yes:

I love you forum name - hope - one definition of hope is to await a cherished desire, to anticipate, wait expectantly. I believe that is what you are saying when you come here seeking connection with others who have also been discarded, who understand the sting of this.

Our guidelines ask that members keep their conversations and sharing on the open forum board as much as possible so that many  who are struggling with these same types of experiences can benefit from the conversations and be encouraged and also join in and be a part. Most of us have been excluded, or are experiencing cut offs and isolation. We can come here and connect with others and be included and supported as we talk about some of the most difficult parts of our lives. We can enter into any conversation and be welcomed. Such a healing experience and place to share and interact.

We do make friends and find connections here that naturally develop. We only ask that members do not invite other members to begin or continue a conversation through private message on the open board. We want to be careful to protect the spirit of inclusion and support of all that suffer in their relationships with PD people, that our board is built on. 

Hope - maybe it is time to think about the story or narrative, that is in your heart and mind around how you have been treated by your family? I don't know if I am getting this correctly from what you have written here, but is there a way to reframe that story in your head? To see how lovable and valuable you are NO MATTER another's choices and behaviors toward you? I am not saying it is easy, but I am saying it is possible to be faced with being discarded by those we love with all of our hearts and to rebuild our lives on the solid rock of a truth that says we are worth it, good, lovely, important, and valuable.

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hope2016

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I understand - the next step is re-framing - or how re-framing is a part of the next step, I just don't trust it as much as I schould because of the discart and cut off, which has an emotional affect on me. Thank god - I am human - so far I have realised I am just plain sensitive and that my strength is not reacting positively on the critique and violent words of my aunt. If I face the company of her and the familymembers, whom bye her conception on the reality about me and reality in general, I am left with feelings of depression, sorrow and anger, because emotions of mine are not acknowledged and accepted, but rather discarted as false and week. My family seems to be under the impression that I am delusional or plain wrong in many ways, accusing me for not accepting critique, which is far from the truth I know. As I know myself enough to know that there is nothing wrong with constructive criticism and how it is rather the misplaced critique I don't believe is okay to place apone another. Also I would not do that to another and I even try to understand the behavior of my aunt as a sign that she deserves pity and help. Its just difficult to help someone who is refusing to be open and talk things out, constantly projecting the "Buck" in my direction. Using manipulation and violent words that undermine me. Plain destructive. Not constructive critique.

As I lost an importand familymember to I feel the need to be on good terms with my father, as he is not as young as all that. But he is now discarting me as emotionally week and on the cracy-train. The more honest I am, the more they mark me and misunderstand me.
And then my job is, everytime, after every encounter with them, to connect to my true feelings and conceptions which do not include placing guild and bad trades at me. The process of re-framing is easier when you have a familymember, a brother, a friend - someone whom understands the situation.

In my case: my siblings are 15 years younger than me and are therefore in there teens where they need to be and cant deal with these matters. They are too young. Friends in my life run when I speak about the subject - and I get it its not the greatest thing right. The same goes with familymenbers, everyone is unwillingly to get into these matters, under the skin - on a deeper psychological level.

The show is a game and I am not an actor, nor a player.

 

 


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hope2016

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Hi hope2016,

I moved your post over here because I do believe from your past posts that you were dealing mostly with a PD aunt who I am assuming is your Dad's sister?
You mention teen siblings-- are you older and living on your own away from the family home? Teens may not be able to understand what is going on as they are still living with a parent and haven't gotten out on their own yet. Being patient with your siblings is one thing, dealing with your Dad and your PD aunt is another thing.

Many here have dealt with a PD family member and do understand. Let us know a little more of what is going on when you can.

 :bighug:

Latchkey


Yes she is my dad's sister. I am 29 years old and living on my own. The familyhome has never been solid and grounded and I have a lot of distrust towards that union. This I let go of years ago embracing people for who they are and not for mistakes done years ago. But then I was disappointed again and my old distrust is triggered. I have used all of my patience and I am really sensitive and need to take care of my self.

The sorrow from disconnection with my siblings and the loss of my reestablished positive contact with my dad  - is making me depressed and I am experiencing depression at this very moment. And have done for along time. I have lost my interest in things that use to make me happy and motivated, falling into depression. I can even tell by my body because of the lack of activity has an impact on my muscles.

I am even afraid to ask for help, because my aunt has manipulated me. I react with depression and sorrow. I do not share the feelings of depression with anyone.

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Latchkey

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HI hope2016,

Can you try to get in to see a counselor, therapist, or your general practitioner to get some help for what is going on? Sounds like you need some support in real life to get through this as well.
Even just a few sessions would probably help get you going. Also recommend starting a physical practice like exercise, walking, yoga or something else to get you moving around and feeling better.

Latchkey
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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hope2016

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Latchkey & digital.engel: Yes I will absolutely see a therapist, there is a long waiting list, but I hope not to wait too long.

I also don't want to affect anybody ells, like you describe with your son, digital.engel.
I am very disappointed that nobody in the family has reacted and this is the mail reason I believe I am dealing with a narcissistic behavior and pattern that I personally don't want to support at all or engage in. Her behavior is speaking for itself, narcissistic personality disorder or not - it isn't normal. Or so I feel.
I hope to meet a therapist who understands these cases or what we should call them, perhaps nests in a three with bad eggs. I ones described her words as poisen. That's how mean they where. Ofcause I dismissed her words, but felt hurt afterwards.

I fear that some therapists, unfortunately, don't know enough. When it comes to NPD - this is not a well known term or subject in my country.

Thanks for all of your support - even this helped me actually..

Hope