Haved posted in a while

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Elis62

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Haved posted in a while
« on: April 05, 2016, 01:16:00 PM »
Hi I have not posted in a while as I was trying to get my head around what has been happening in my 6 year marriage to my PPDh, although I think he has other traits from other PDs too, but I would say paranoia is the most obvious.

 I want to thank everyone here for your posts and advice on the posts, because without this site, I think I would have lost my mind, as the rollercoaster Ive been on with his accusations and behaviour is the weirdest and most difficult experience I have ever had. Your posts have given me so much insight in PDs and the support I have gotten from just reading the posts, has helped me so much during my lowest moments.

He is still working away from home and we have only been in contact via phone or online, and the accusations just keep coming and his behaviour is escalating. He has threatened that he will catch me eventually and if he does he will hurt me, (Ive never been unfaithful. ever). He continues to hear and see things that are not real, for example, hears voices (male) talking to me about him, hears intimate noises while speaking to me on phone and internet, (Im always alone at these times) . He says hes willing to accept me with others if Im just honest with him, (Ive been honest with him everytime, he says Im lying), he says Im making a fool out of him, he refuses to accept hes unwell, and the whole experience is having a effect on my health and I feel I cannot take this anymore.

Im really worried about him as hes not from here, hes from another part of the world, with a different culture completely and I was his main support for past 6 years, since hes been here. I know I cannot fix him, I know he needs medical attention, but he refuses to consider this. So I feel I have to look after me because his abuse is not having a good effect on me. Ive been to a counsellor a few times and Im going again tomorrow, Ive support from a few friends but today I feel so low and unable to cope. I go days where I feel strong and then ,wham, I wake up crying and not able to function well at all.

Feel I need to get off this rollercoaster, but seem unable to do it and feel Im losing the compassion I had for his disorder. He had a moment of clarity (or so it seemed) over the weekend, when he apologised for the abusive texts and verbal abuse,( He never says sorry), over the past 3 months, and promised he would control his jealousy, then he accused me of being with someone else  :stars: but is ok with it, if I own up  :stars: Really feel as if Im talking to a wall.

Just thought I would check in, thanks again


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hhaw

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Re: Haved posted in a while
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2016, 01:28:47 PM »
I'm so sorry, Elis.

What a terrible position to be in.

I don't remember your story.  Are you in a position to be harmed by your pd h?

Do you live in the same State?

It's sad to realize that his only apology was a ploy to get you to admit you're cheating,  Of course, you aren't.   

I agree.... you can't save him.

I hope you save yourself.

Good luck,
hhaw
« Last Edit: April 05, 2016, 02:12:48 PM by hhaw »
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Scout

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Re: Haved posted in a while
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2016, 01:41:31 PM »
Hi Elis62!  Glad to see you again.  I'm sorry to hear your husband is up to the same old thing . . . Although I'm not sure what else he would be doing; PPD seems among the more tenacious disorders sometimes . . .

Nice work, sticking with your therapy.  If you're beginning to lose your compassion, I actually think you're closer to getting off the roller coaster than you think.  What would be the next step?

(Continue to resist "confessing"--he is waiting to act on that no matter what he claims, and his moment of clarity seems like just another tactic to attempt to get you to admit to something you haven't done.)

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Elis62

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Re: Haved posted in a while
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2016, 03:58:38 PM »
Don't know if he truly a risk to me, he's 5 hours journey at least away.  He's so unpredictable at the moment although hes never been violent. I'm getting locks changed because he told me a story last week that I had never heard before , of breaking into apartment of a previous gf and assaulting her because she was with someone else. She had denied this to him many times.
Then he said he would find out eventually if I was lying and when he did, he would kill me, then backtracked and said he would hurt me.

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Haved posted in a while
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2016, 09:29:32 PM »
Hi Elis.  I started a thread a while back about What is Dangerous.  I was curious why I think that because my ex n/bpd never threatened to hurt me, that he wasn't dangerous to me.  He certainly was damaging to me psychologically.   Your's sounds like a bit of both.  You should consider him dangerous.  Anybody that even says they are going to harm you should be taken very seriously.  Stay safe!
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Haved posted in a while
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2016, 10:34:02 PM »
Elise, please read my posts. I was in your shoes. IMO, Your PD is suffering from paranoid delusional disorder or some other psychosis.   It doesn't get better. Three years now and my expdh has no insight. Doesn't think he is sick. Used to try to sleep deprived me so I can confess.  We never had issues of infidelity in our 20 year marriage.  This came out of nowhere. No warnings. I had nothing to confess to and I refused despite his torture that would not end for 6 long months.  Accused me of stealing from him, said I was poisoning him, cheating on him, said I was working with government and police spying on him.  It got more and more scary to be around him.  He thought a movie was being made about him anbd people were watching.    Look up paranoid delusional disorder. Crazy crazy shit.  He then choked me in a psychotic episode.  Please read my posts and see the similarities.  Please save yourself!

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Haved posted in a while
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2016, 10:46:38 PM »
This is according to Wiki and is pretty old data, but even if it hasn't increased, the numbers are scary.  195 domestic violence deaths per MONTH.   16 a DAY.

"In 2007, 2,340 deaths were caused by intimate partner violenceómaking up 14% of all homicides. 70% of these deaths were females and 30% were males."

- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Kit99

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Re: Haved posted in a while
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2016, 11:34:20 PM »
Elis- if I'm reading your post correctly, it sounds like he's threatened to kill you. That's something you shouldn't take lightly regardless of the circumstances. Document and record everything. It would be best if you communicate with him via text and email so you have a written record of any threats or verbal abuse. Change locks, keep your distance, stay safe.

Let me just say that I empathize with your situation. My PDh often accused me of having affairs/being unfaithful- although that's ridiculous considering I work full time, have two young children to look after, and was a loving and completely devoted wife. I rarely even went out on my own! And if I did, he often questioned me "is there something you want to tell me..." "Didn't that trip to get your hair done take much longer than it should have..." "You don't want sex often enough so you're obviously getting it somewhere else!" "You need to come home right now- the kid is crying!" Etc.  It's really hurtful. Especially coming from someone you who is supposed to be your best friend.

Mine also imagined people were often casing or trying to break into our home. He even put a camera up inside the house (even when we were home...) which was a big argument between the two of us as I felt weird having a camera monitoring my every move in my own home... (But WHY wouldn't I want a camera in the house if I had nothing to hide?!)  yes... Crazy talk.  Anyway, I don't have experience with my st2bxH hearing voices, but that would scare the heck out of me as I'm sure it does you. No matter how much you love him and want to help, you can't control his behavior and you can't force him to get help if he doesn't want it.  It's a heartbreaking conclusion, but sadly it's the truth. Take care of yourself- we're here for support.

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Rosemarie

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Re: Haved posted in a while
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2016, 02:40:58 AM »
Elis, I am so glad you posted. Please do take care of yourself. I am hearing that he threatened your life and I know from own experience that it was easy for me to disregard scary behavior. I would take this seriously and have a safety plan. It sounds like he may not always be in touch with reality, which is where the danger of him doing something harmful could come from.  Please do take care of yourself and keep posting!
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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Elis62

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Re: Haved posted in a while
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2016, 10:14:59 AM »
Thanks for your concern, I understand that because of his delusions and threats and his history of violence with a past gf, he is capable of violence with me, but  it so difficult for me the wrap my head around this, or to understand that our relationship has come to this. But it has. Heartbreaking but true.

Will take all your advice on board and stay as safe as I can. And I intend to save myself by limiting the contact I have with him from now on.

Kit99... your PDh sounds just like mine, and because I very rarely went out except to work, or with him, he then decided I was having sex with my two sons, heard me talking to them about him and arranging to meet them in their rooms, none of this happened. Said he saw me and 1 son in kitchen being intimate.. also did not happen. The accusations just get crazier and crazier. Its hurtful and completely mind blowing.

Thanks again for your support, do not know where my mind would be without this site :applause: :applause: :applause: :applause:

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hhaw

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Re: Haved posted in a while
« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2016, 11:35:43 AM »
Elis:

I hope you can record any future death or physical threats against your person.  It's not that you want to trap or harm him... it's just that you need to keep yourself safe, IMO.

It's not legal to make threats like that.

Having proof of actual threats makes it easier to get a Temp Restraining Order if you need one, IME, and criminal charges might actually teach your pd this isn't a game without consequences. 

Sorry if I'm repeating info in other posts, I haven't had a chance to read the rest of your thread. 

Good luck,
hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt