First attempt at "dating"

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sjvalleygirl

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First attempt at "dating"
« on: April 05, 2016, 02:03:09 PM »
I haven't posted in a while but thought I'd share a recent experience. Some of you out of divorce may be on the fence about dating - just like me. It's a slippery slope for sure and we have to take care of our hearts. Perfect example here.....

Im two years out of a marriage to a malignant narcissist. Ive healed immensely, sought support, a great therapist and have a solid group of like minded friends who are there for me.finally!!

Id like to start dating but the thought still scares me. Am I ready? Can I handle recognizing another narcissist and have the confidence to immediately walk away before my heart gets crushed again? I scroll a few dating sites but thats as far as I go. 22 years of marriage has me clueless as to how this all works

Im out with friends in my birthday two weeks ago, decide to go to a local club after dinner not exactly my thing but up for fun with my girlfriends whatever we do. Were on the dance floor then HE walks into the club63″ super hot, charming. Seems to know everyone that works there (red flag??) He makes his way over to our group, says hello, smiles at me and upon hearing its my birthday starts chatting me up, funny & charming, captivating me. We spend most of the night talking, dancing, laughing with my friends. He charmed them toothey were happy for me having a good time, getting nice, sweet attention from this captivating guy.

Oh he layed on the sweetness very thick. Complementing me, my eyes, my smile.and yeah I knew this was suspect....but I liked it! We exchanged numbers and a passionate goodnight kiss. Damn!!

Two weeks of texting & talking. Learning about each others work, families, childhoods, likes/dislikes. Talks of how nice it will be to see each other again, when we get together well do xy&z, etc. It was beyond exciting to think of him & how interested he was in me...felt myself getting caught up pretty quickly. The end of each call or text session left me confused we forgot to pin down another date. Oh well Ill ask him next time.
I said we need to schedule a date. Hes agrees, then is evasive. Asks whats best for me then more evasiveness.

The hard questions I knew I had to ask myself:
Two weeks and still no plan? Is this ok with me?No. Do I still have hope this guy will come around? Uhh yeah. Is this good for me? No. Am I trying to pretend this is something its not? Definitely.
I knew what I had to do. The next morning I texted him..
PD I really had a great time with you. These past two weeks getting to know each other have been great. I want to get together again. You dont. Therefore Im moving on.

He did respond. Something about his work (he's an actor - red flag #2) and a shoulder injury that was bothering him. No aknowlegement of what I just told him. Yeah. I did the right thing. I cried a little, felt stupid, called a friend & felt sad for the rest of the day.
Im not as strong as I thought but maybe Ill be there one day. Still working on myself daily. Goes to show me just how easy it is to be swept up with the right smile, words and touch.
There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough..

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Latchkey

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Re: First attempt at "dating"
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2016, 02:36:47 PM »
 :applause:

You did great with this! First by allowing yourself to have fun, to being open to the universe, and then by catching on to what was going on and stopping it.

 :bighug:

I had an experience where a singer approached me at a big event right around valentines day, 20 years younger than me!, and I was just floored and flattered. It ended with dancing and a kiss and that was it but it felt so nice to attract his attention as he was one of the stars of the show.  :blush:
Online dating feels safer right now, because at least you get some idea of their age and interests, and how long they've been at it and if it's really just a game to them. It's hard as hell sometimes to be dating again. I enjoy the first dates usually as it's about getting to know someone and it's easy... but then after that it gets tougher because that is where the real work happens if you and he both want to try for a second date. I'm getting better at figuring things out, but sometimes it takes a few dates to really understand what is going on. I have found many PDs are out there in all shapes and sizes.

I find myself getting along better with divorced Dads with kids in the same age range as mine. I'm trying to find someone that lives near me. Has a real job. Close to my age. Low conflict with the ex if possible. I was already married a second time to someone with an ex with high drama and high need kids... so this time around I'm a little older and trying to preserve my sanity!
« Last Edit: April 05, 2016, 02:38:48 PM by Latchkey »
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FinallyPeace

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Re: First attempt at "dating"
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2016, 03:43:05 PM »
I'm glad you posted this, OP. 

I'm no where near dating or anything else until I clean up this mess with stbxh (uP/A), but I asked my counselor about this very subject.  I would be scared to get caught up in stuff with someone OR go the other route, totally on guard 24/7.  She said I know what to look for now and she has complete confidence in my abilities.  I don't, but that's ok.  ;)

You did great!!
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
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"Red flags aren't party favors.  Don't collect them."
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sjvalleygirl

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Re: First attempt at "dating"
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2016, 03:52:57 PM »
Thank so much for the replies. And you're right Latchkey, I'm glad I was open to it... it felt great and I did have a wonderful time, short as it was.
I guess my biggest takeaway is being proud of myself for awareness and recognizing it wasn't good for me to continue. No hard feelings, I wish him well and I can move on.
And I'm with you Finally Peace.. I don't want to be paranoid all the time, expecting things to go bad. You'll know when you are ready. No pressure. Hang in there :)
There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough..

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FinallyPeace

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Re: First attempt at "dating"
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2016, 04:33:04 PM »
 :like:
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
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"Red flags aren't party favors.  Don't collect them."
--Unknown

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Scout

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Re: First attempt at "dating"
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2016, 08:56:29 PM »
I actually thought that was the perfect amount of strength, sjvalleygirl.  :)

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Rocket Girl

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Re: First attempt at "dating"
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2016, 09:21:10 PM »
Me too!  You give me encouragement!  Good for you.  Who knows what the guys story is, it didn't hold water and you recognized it.  He could be one of our married guys looking for supply.  lol.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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Rosemarie

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Re: First attempt at "dating"
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2016, 02:54:14 AM »
I concur that this was strong and clear. I am grateful that you shared and so glad that you took care of yourself. As others said, opening up to possibility and ending it when it did not meet your needs or feel good to you. I was reading your post with relief at your response. Imagine as many of us can, if this went on for years, it you got hooked in. What a gift that you can see the importance of taking care of yourself and what you want.

I am celebrating for and with you.  :party:
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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Mariposa

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Re: First attempt at "dating"
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2016, 10:03:45 AM »
I had met a guy out. Good looking, a lot younger, has a really good job.  i was flattered!  Texted a while, then I suggested getting together.  Instead, I got the unsolicited picture and a request for "pictures" . I felt stupid. But then, I thought, no wonder this guy is still single. he's a creep!  This isn't the kind of guy I want,  It is a jungle out there.  I took myself off the dating sites. Just going to focus on me and enjoying time spent with friends.

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Hikercymru

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Re: First attempt at "dating"
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2016, 03:47:03 PM »
Another brilliant thread. Valleygirl, you did great. I mean, you were assertive about your needs, and cut through the bull shit. You saw some red flags, and when he started messing up, you cut him loose.
That is just perfect. Yes, you felt sad, but who wouldn't?
I am very impressed, gives me hope that we can do it! :thumbup:

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spark

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Re: First attempt at "dating"
« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2016, 10:57:03 AM »
I'm really glad this thread has started. I have been wondering the same things too...

My question: for those who have been abused by your exPD partner, how long did it take to trust again? I am feeling very negative currently about any relationships because the nasty emotional and psychological abuse I endured... I really want to be loved and give love though.

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Latchkey

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Re: First attempt at "dating"
« Reply #11 on: April 10, 2016, 05:58:16 PM »
I'm really glad this thread has started. I have been wondering the same things too...

My question: for those who have been abused by your exPD partner, how long did it take to trust again? I am feeling very negative currently about any relationships because the nasty emotional and psychological abuse I endured... I really want to be loved and give love though.

Hey spark,
I'm sort of an eternal optimist and I believe we are all on different time tables for trusting and trying to get back into a relationship again. Probably the best site I've seen on this is Sandra Brown's Safe Relationships magazine web site.  I took almost 18 months from the time of marriage exploding, and a year from the divorce to start dating again.
Check it out, read the articles there.
It's helped me so much this time around. I realize in many ways that I am more like those with PDs than not in that I grew up in a chaotic family with PDs like most PD people out there. I'm a risk taker and I'm independent and generally trusting. I'm doing ok with myself now, and understand that pathology will always show itself eventually if it's there. I can only pick up on the most blatant stuff when it comes to PDs and the more subtle is harder to spot at first.
I think there are good Non people out there to love and trust because I am one of them  :bigwink: and I do hope I'll find a partner down the road. I think that's all you can do. Take your time and do what feels right.
Latchkey
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
-
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.