Narcissistic or DPD or both

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ajzjmsmom

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Narcissistic or DPD or both
« on: April 05, 2016, 09:59:00 PM »
What disorder would these behaviours fall under?  As a pre-teen and teenager my mother seemed to have two personalities, there was the mother who wanted to be involved in every aspect of my life to the extent of going to social events in our town and trying to find me a boyfriend as a very young teengager, to wanting to be right in the middle when my friends were around, she would discuss ANYTHING with them, nothing was off limits, my friends thought she was great, I wanted her to go away.  Then there was the mother who told me so many times that I never did anything right, I did everything half-assed.  This was the same mother who knew my drunk father was capable of molesting me yet did nothing to protect me from him, which of course led to my molestation at his hands.  This was also the mother that when I was date raped at 15 by the guy she set me up with from the above mentioned social event, didn't believe that I had been raped.  The same mother who when my ex husband kicked  and shoved me, then held my hand over the fire and threatened to burn me, refused to help me when I called and asked them to come get me away from him.  He got on the phone and told her he was just having a bad day and would never do that again.  I don't remember everything that happened to me as a child, I remember a mother who smothered me on one hand and then pushed me away on the toher, I do remember  that I never wanted to be home, even as a very small child, I was the child who never got homesick and  I never cried to go home, I usually cried to stay away and I wanted more that anything for my parents to give me to my grandparents.  I honestly hope I never remember everything that happened because was I do remember is bad enough.

She always tells me she was the best mother she knew how to be considering how her mother was.  I call BS on that since if that is true then I should be a pretty bad mother and according to my kids, I am nothing like their grandmother. 

Is it possible for someone to have both disorders?  Or are all her actions those of a narcissist just employing whatever she needs to get her way?

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all4peace

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Re: Narcissistic or DPD or both
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2016, 10:10:16 PM »
What you say about your mother with your friends? It sounds exactly like mine. And mine was critical all the time. I never did anything right, was never good enough. There was always something not quite right about me or my achievements.

As a toddler, I used to go up to complete strangers and ask them to take me home with them. My mom laughingly tells this story as an example of what an extrovert I was (I'm not). I see it as terrible red flags about an attachment problem.

I think it's narcissism. I haven't read much about dependent personality disorder, but from what I've read a person with this wouldn't be able to function without the help of another person, or at least have a perceived need for extraordinary amounts of help.

I'm so sorry for the terrible abuse you have been subjected to, with the total betrayal of your mother in the face of this terrible abuse. I don't really understand how or why it happens, but it does seem that narcissistic mothers are totally unable to protect or tenderly love their children, and I do think it can be far worse for their daughters. It was in my family, anyway, although my brothers have a special type of abuse to cope with.

My mother also vaguely acknowledges her shortcomings by telling about her own bad childhood and frequently saying things like "Nobody escapes childhood unscathed." It makes me see red. And it is BS. When I found myself struggling as a new mother, I got counseling. In my mother (I don't know about yours), if she'd had ANY humility, she also could have gotten help. However, it was far, far more important for her to be totally competent in other's eyes than to get the help she needed.

Isn't it wonderful and awful how much of this becomes clear once we have kids of our own? I'm so glad that you sound like a good-enough mom. I also hope I'm a good-enough mom. I do know that I'm 100 steps away from what my own mother was, and for this generation I hope that's enough.

My mother has and still does want to be involved in the things that interest her and cannot maintain energy for the things that don't. Even if they are THE most important things in her adult children's lives.

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ajzjmsmom

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Re: Narcissistic or DPD or both
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2016, 10:27:26 PM »
What you say about your mother with your friends? It sounds exactly like mine. And mine was critical all the time. I never did anything right, was never good enough. There was always something not quite right about me or my achievements.

As a toddler, I used to go up to complete strangers and ask them to take me home with them. My mom laughingly tells this story as an example of what an extrovert I was (I'm not). I see it as terrible red flags about an attachment problem.

I think it's narcissism. I haven't read much about dependent personality disorder, but from what I've read a person with this wouldn't be able to function without the help of another person, or at least have a perceived need for extraordinary amounts of help.

I'm so sorry for the terrible abuse you have been subjected to, with the total betrayal of your mother in the face of this terrible abuse. I don't really understand how or why it happens, but it does seem that narcissistic mothers are totally unable to protect or tenderly love their children, and I do think it can be far worse for their daughters. It was in my family, anyway, although my brothers have a special type of abuse to cope with.

My mother also vaguely acknowledges her shortcomings by telling about her own bad childhood and frequently saying things like "Nobody escapes childhood unscathed." It makes me see red. And it is BS. When I found myself struggling as a new mother, I got counseling. In my mother (I don't know about yours), if she'd had ANY humility, she also could have gotten help. However, it was far, far more important for her to be totally competent in other's eyes than to get the help she needed.

Isn't it wonderful and awful how much of this becomes clear once we have kids of our own? I'm so glad that you sound like a good-enough mom. I also hope I'm a good-enough mom. I do know that I'm 100 steps away from what my own mother was, and for this generation I hope that's enough.

My mother has and still does want to be involved in the things that interest her and cannot maintain energy for the things that don't. Even if they are THE most important things in her adult children's lives.

You sound like a wonderful mother and that you were able to see that you needed help as a new mother, speaks volumes.   

The only difference I see is that as far as I know my parents were not that way with my brothers, oh my father was an alcholic but that I recall they never got the brunt end of his nastiness and from listening to the two of them talk, my parents were the best thing ever. 

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all4peace

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Re: Narcissistic or DPD or both
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2016, 10:53:02 PM »
The only difference I see is that as far as I know my parents were not that way with my brothers, oh my father was an alcholic but that I recall they never got the brunt end of his nastiness and from listening to the two of them talk, my parents were the best thing ever.
ajzjmsmom, I'm so sorry for this, as it sounds like an extra lonely place to be. It has been a huge comfort to me that over time my siblings have all acknowledged how bad it was. I'm so sorry you don't have this in your brothers. This forum is so helpful, though! And I hope you have others in your life (like your children!) who give you love and support.

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ajzjmsmom

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Re: Narcissistic or DPD or both
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2016, 11:47:44 PM »
The only difference I see is that as far as I know my parents were not that way with my brothers, oh my father was an alcholic but that I recall they never got the brunt end of his nastiness and from listening to the two of them talk, my parents were the best thing ever.
ajzjmsmom, I'm so sorry for this, as it sounds like an extra lonely place to be. It has been a huge comfort to me that over time my siblings have all acknowledged how bad it was. I'm so sorry you don't have this in your brothers. This forum is so helpful, though! And I hope you have others in your life (like your children!) who give you love and support.

I do have wonderful people in my life including incredible in-laws who love me like i am their own, my MIL is more of a mother to me than my own has ever been.

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all4peace

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Re: Narcissistic or DPD or both
« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2016, 12:09:02 AM »
I just read your other thread about self-destructive behaviors. It sounds very attention seeking to me, which makes me think of narcissism. I'd be tempted to make her live with the consequences and call her bluff next time she talks about a nursing home. Or, since your brothers think she's so amazing, let them deal with caring for her. It sounds like an enormous burden, especially considering the non-mothering she has done for you. A lot of wounds to be constantly reminded of.

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closure_with_clarity

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Re: Narcissistic or DPD or both
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2016, 02:13:33 AM »
Is it possible for someone to have both disorders?  Or are all her actions those of a narcissist just employing whatever she needs to get her way?

When you're dealing w/ a person exhibiting traits in the cluster B's it is common to see overlap...behaviors from several different specific pds.

In example my mother exhibits bpd, npd, and hpd type behaviors along with some dpd and ppd in the mix too. 

Of course we can't diagnose only a licensed professional can do that. But, we as individuals having experienced our parent(s) toxic, destructive, and abusive behaviors for decades, can certainly make a guestimate.

You have identified that her behavior is toxic to your being and that is all that matters, for it conveys you must protective yourself. And make changes to how you engage/interact or choose not to when she stirs up frequent drama and chaos.
Let go of the people that dull your shine. Poison your spirit. And bring you drama. Cancel your subscription to their issues.  :)