update and long rant

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freedomtoroam21

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update and long rant
« on: April 06, 2016, 05:15:05 PM »
So, I haven't been on here in awhile, and it seems that with each decision I make, I am somehow slipping further down the rabbit hole.  I left H and took our 2 small kids 4 months ago and moved several states away to my home state.  I have now finally secured a job.  I ended up making a quick trip back to get more of my things that I needed for my job and I think that might have been a huge mistake.  While there, my husband kept asking me to tell him when I would come back for good, and he wanted to know why I was taking so much stuff.  I told him I couldn't give him any answers, because I am still not sure of what I am going to do or if I am ever coming back.  He got enraged and was throwing all my stuff on the floor, breaking hangars, broke a picture because he threw it at me, etc.  Then he said he wasn't going to let me take the kids back with me, and that is when the whole visit had to change.  I knew that if I didn't appease him, I would never get out of there with the kids.  So, now I have agreed that I will work my job for 6 months and then come back to him.  And as sick as it makes me feel, I have to keep communicating with him in a way that keeps his hope alive.  (We legally cannot get divorced until we have been separated for a year so I am trying to keep the peace. Plus, I'm not even 100% sure I want a divorce)  So, I have been going pretty grey rock with him- not really offering details, feelings, etc. And it is making him furious.  He says he doesn't want just the facts from me, and that our conversations are not meeting his emotional needs.  He wants me to tell him that I forgive him, that I am proud of him, that I am excited to come back-- but I just cannot say these things! I ended up getting so frustrated with his constant badgering that I blew up on him and told him all of the reasons that I can't trust him and don't want to come back.  He wanted specific details, which I stupidly gave (things that I would have brought up in court to help me get custody).  The scary part is that he has completely rewritten history in his mind!! Does he actually believe his story?  He was adamant that he had never done what I was saying he had done.  Although, he still defended his actions and said that he would have done it to teach a valuable lesson.   :stars:  He also added that my accusations would not hold up in a court of law, and that he would make sure of it.  He did point out that the crappy things he does are "his normal", because he came from a crappy background.  Which is true, his parents both OD'ed when he was a teen and his whole family is a horrible mess.  However, why does he want to imitate their poor parenting skills in his life?  Is this even a reason to give him slack? 

Another thing is after I told him I got a job here, he actually sent out my resume to numerous jobs where he lives. And I actually got several calls. He just can't let go of control!  Plus, It is so ridiculous.  He tells me that I don't need to get a job, but then complains anytime I spend money.  But he has his cousin living with him currently and he is paying for everything for him! Including plane tickets, two cars, etc and he is always bailing his family out financially.

And I almost forgot, when I went to visit him to get my stuff we ended up going to church with him.  At the end of the service, the pastor was praying and went off on a tangent and said that he knows a family here is suffering and struggling and for us to please stand and for others to put their hands on us to pray for us.  He said that me being here that sunday was a good sign that we could work things out.  It was the most awkward situation, and I feel like it fed my husband's crazy.  He knows that I am struggling with wanting to do the right thing by God and the pastor taking his side probably made him feel so justified.

I am just having such a hard time with this.  Half of me wants to run hard and fast in the opposite direction and the other half of me thinks I should give him a second (more like 1000th) chance.  I hate feeling guilty and like I am going to ruin my kids' lives. 

I have been confiding in my mother all along (because she has been through all this crazy herself with my father, and she should know best) however, it seems that my husband's claims that he has found God again and really changed have convinced my mom.  I was talking with her yesterday and told her how my husband had rewritten history in his mind and she said that those things are in the past and I should move past them.  Is this true at all?  I feel like the past is the best indicator of the future.  Not to mention, I cannot get any closure if he can't own up to his mistakes and genuinely apologize for them.

Anyway, he is now trying to find us a better place to live and is still looking for jobs for me, and I just don't know what to do.  I feel defeated.  He never takes my no for an answer. I have told him numerous times that I don't want to come back and to move on without me and he will not accept it.  I just feel like I can't keep doing this.  I have never been the strong type and I'm not sure I have it in me...

I'm sorry for the long vent.  Thanks for listening and for any words of wisdom! You are all amazing!

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irkmandu

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Re: update and long rant
« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2016, 05:38:04 PM »
I don't know if this is right or helpful, but I believe that you should only leave the past in the past when everyone is on the same page as far as what the past is. As long as your H denies the truth about what happened, he is much more likely to repeat it IMO.
“Rings and other jewels are not gifts, but apologies for gifts. The only gift is a portion of thyself.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Kit99

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Re: update and long rant
« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2016, 09:37:29 PM »
Freedom- have you read Lundy Bancroft's books? Until your H acknowledges his choices and the hurt that he has caused and then follows that "apology" with sustained actions, it is likely that he will repeat history as soon as he gets what he wants (you back). Just look at how he responded when you said you were leaving! Breaking things and damaging your property is not a sign of remorse or "commitment to healthy change." It's demonstrates that he is still having tantrums. Also, while its great he has "found God" and is going to church for support, it sounds like he might be using that against you so the parish can see what a great guy he is and how dedicated he is to his marriage. he can go to church every day, see a therapist, etc. but if his actions aren't changing then the rest is simply smoke and mirrors. Don't feel pressured. This is your life too- it's NOT ALL ABOUT HIM.

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HiddenFlower

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Re: update and long rant
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2016, 03:09:54 PM »
Don't fall for the okey doke!

My uPDXH claimed he found God, wanted to marry me all over again, etc. when we separated the first time. I fell for it, got pregnant with our second child, and he literally held me captive until I could escape the second time. Many people in my family took his side or were ambivalent, and I didn't have a support system the second time around.

Actions speak louder than words? He had a violent rage, probably manipulated the church to do prayers on you guys, denies the past, sends your resume out unsolicited, etc.

Try to be strong. Many people don't understand PD or minimize the effects. My mom didn't even support me during my divorce, and, suffice to say, our relationship is totally strained now.

I would say journal, look back and see what the actions are from him. And try to keep him at bay until you can divorce. It's hard to do the waiting game, but you will make it. I had to a similar thing.

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Hopeful

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Re: update and long rant
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2016, 05:10:22 PM »
You asked a few questions...

About rewriting history... "Does he actually believe his story?" In my experience with my PD, I think he did believe his story. I think if you gave him a polygraph, he would pass. He was losing touch with reality; it was a delusion. He couldn't handle when things in life don't go the way he wants them to, so his mind re-interprets things in a way that serves his purposes.

About his difficult childhood... "However, why does he want to imitate their poor parenting skills in his life?  Is this even a reason to give him slack?" I think for your children's sake, you cannot give him slack because of his difficult childhood. If you give him slack and allow him to repeat the bad behavior, then the cycle will continue, and your own children will have a difficult childhood. Then they might then repeat that cycle with their own children. Breaking the cycle of abuse is so important for you and for your kids.

When your mom said: "those things are in the past and I should move past them.  Is this true at all?  I feel like the past is the best indicator of the future.  Not to mention, I cannot get any closure if he can't own up to his mistakes and genuinely apologize for them."  It doesn't matter what your mom thinks. It's nice that she has been there for you, but your decision needs to be your own... not influenced by your husband's manipulation or by your mom's opinion. She is not the one who had to live with his abuse every day in the past, and she is not the one who would have to look at his face every day in the future knowing that he is a person who is capable of thinking and saying the horrible things he has in the past. I think you've already seen that his actions are not matching his words, so you can make predictions about the likelihood of better future behavior. Would a person who had truly changed go into a rage when he didn't get the answer he wanted? Would a person who loved  you continue to badger you with questions trying to manipulate you into changing your answers? Would a person who respects you send your resume out without your permission to companies in a location where you don't want to live right now?

If it's possible to go No Contact with him for a while, I think that would help you to make a decision that is guided only by your feelings and not by his manipulations. I know you didn't ask for book recommendations, but when I was in a similar situation - living separately, pretty sure I wanted to divorce, but still had some doubts - I read the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and it definitely helped me sort out my feelings and identify what was important.

Just know that you do have some control here. You say he never takes your no for an answer. Well, he doesn't have to. If you say no, and then cut off all communication except what has to do with the kids, then your answer is final. No more discussion. The end. If he keeps looking for a new house and job for you, then he's the one wasting his effort and looking like a fool. It's not your problem. Not your circus; not your monkeys. He is not a rational person, and he will not make rational decisions. You do not have to keep reacting to his irrational words and actions. Just do what is right for you, and do your best to ignore whatever madness is going on with him.
"The first step toward getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are."

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Zora88

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Re: update and long rant
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2016, 07:13:45 PM »
Oh Freedom.  Yes to the Lundy Bancroft books.  Should I Stay or Should I Go has a section on how to tell if change is real, and it has practically become my Bible. have struggled and struggled with this, but the truth is, my XH isn't changing.  He talks a good game.  He's in therapy and his t says he is capable of being a good relationship partner right now, he says (of course I can't speak to her). He wants to go to church.  But all therapy is doing is making him really good at inventing more excuses for why he treated me poorly WITHOUT accepting responsibility for it and apologizing.  Every time I think I should maybe give him another chance, I re-read that section of that book.  You know what?  He's 4 for 4 on the things that tell you he is not changing and you should in fact run. I know that torn feeling, which is why I said Oh Freedom like that.  Not to judge you as if you should know that, but because I know that feeling so well.

He is still controlling and throwing tantrums and so on even post-divorce, and now that he found out I am casually dating that is why I wanted a divorce and I am some words I can't type here.  In my case, it does not appear he will truly accept responsibility any time soon or try to make amends. It is horribly sad because we want to believe them so much. But you have to look at the actions, not the words.  My XH is so good he sucked a joint t trained in abuse in to telling us she thought the relationship could be saved!  So don't beat yourself up for being confused but please buy the book.  It is the only thing that got me through it.  I bought a copy for my t and we agreed to use it to measure whenever I started to waiver.

Sending you strength and love.  I know that "what if I miss it and he really is changing" feeling like the back of my hand. Hang tough!