Guidance needed

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Rosemarie

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Guidance needed
« on: April 07, 2016, 02:55:40 AM »
Hello all,

I came out of work this evening and as I was leaving received a text from my ex telling me he left some things in my car. I was walking toward a dark parking lot, where my car was, knowing he had gone into my car. I felt scared and worried. He let me know that I had left the car door unlocked and that he put some things in the car. Whether the door was unlocked or not, he came there intending to leave things for me, that I do not need. He left mail, which is supposed to be forwarded, he left a mug that is insignificant to me and he left rovings he had made from our dogs fur along with the dogs tags. The dog was put to sleep a couple of years ago. In his text he said that I should have these, as the dog was my dog. While I did have a  special relationship with the dog, he also took the dog on trips with him and had his own relationship with the dog. So this is all just ridiculousness and a way to engage with me.

This is the 2nd time he has gone into my personal space without my permission or my knowledge and left things. The last time he went to a show where I was vending and somehow when the show was closed, he went behind my booth and left some items. Again insignificant things, that I really do not need. If I wanted them I would have taken them when I moved.

He also sent a text last month that said he was not going to an event next September that we typically have gone to. He said to consider the fact that he would not be there, a late birthday present.

I am going to block him from texting me, but how do I stop him from going into my personal space. I spoke with a DV advocate who suggested safety planning and if this continues to consider a restraining order.

To date I have been ignoring him and it does not seem to be working. He feels/acts entitled to go into my space. I feel violated and pretty spooked by his actions. I am not a person who is on edge, I actually don't think I have ever been on edge before and now I am.

Does anyone have suggestions or experiences that might be helpful to me. I feel like this will never end and I will be dealing with him for the rest of my life.

This all feels so creepy.
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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mdana

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2016, 03:33:14 AM »
It is creepy ...

My ex has stocked me for years ...up until 1 month ago, still asking friends about me and looking at my linked in acct, driving by the house according to my older son (mind you, he is getting married in June).  We have 1 minor child together still, so we have to have contact. I just ignore it (creepy as it is) but I also make copies of texts, etc... and send them to a couple of friends just in case.  I used to forward them to my attorney. 

Has your ex been violent with you before?  Has he given you reason to believe he would harm you?  And, have you asked him to stop invading your space and making contact?  I don't really know your story...but, if you are fearful, it's always a good idea to listen to your instincts....

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Rose1

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2016, 05:54:26 AM »
Hi - exbpdh also had few boundaries. I think it's a case of still feeling ownership. We had already been separated for years when he decided to drop in a present (hoover). He decided to climb the back fence to try and leave it at the back door - we were in condo type living where there was a locked back gate with a high timber fence. The front door was freely accessible but he decided to climb the fence and try and put it in the back yard. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view) he fell into Rover our attack plant. This was a large palm in a pot with huge spikes.
He did not take kindly to us having the plant there. I told him people did not climb back fences but left things at the front door and that he was lucky the onsite manager didn't call the police.
He blustered etc It's my right yada yada. But he never did it again. I made it clear that it was unacceptable. Maybe it was my persuasive discussion. Maybe it was the thorns.

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Hikercymru

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2016, 07:01:16 AM »
Are you in the UK?
Sounds really anxiety inducing. 
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Rosemarie

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2016, 11:49:20 AM »
No not in the UK. Yes it is anxiety producing and I think it is intended to be. I wish it did not produce anxiety, but it was surprising. I think I will be more on guard next time of the possibility of this happening. I was just living my life and it was not even on my radar screen that he might do this. This is a pattern and I can even see how when were together he did things like this.

Rose1 that is such a great story, I wish I had an attack plant.

I do believe his behavior is a way for him to have some control. It feels desperate.

This is also the 2nd time he has sent text messages that were passive aggressive, pretending to be giving me something, but then putting a jab into it.

I blocked him from everything I can, social media and my phone. I am on some discussion groups where I promote my business and can't block him there. Sure enough, he has to react to my posts.

It is obvious he feels entitled to invade my personal space. I have not flat out told him to stop doing this. I am planning to. Just trying to decide if I should sent it as an email or actually have a conversation with him. I imagine the conversation would go in circles, like so many of our conversations. But if anyone has suggestions, I am happy to hear.
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir

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mdana

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2016, 02:06:47 PM »
Rosemarie

I have been seeing a therapist and we had a family psychiatrist at one point. We saw the family psychiatrist for marriage and family therapy initially when our daughter became very ill (mentally) and then again as a way to mediate the MSA. Anyway, he got to know our family very well and told me my ex was ASPD/NPD, was emotionally/developmentally fragmented, possibly had DID and encouraged me to save myself and divorce.

He said re: my ex and attachment, that the "stalking"  would likely never end and that my ex saw it as "love" (a reflection of his love interest for me, and a primitive attachment).  Of course, they feel entitled so, they have no boundaries around such "love".  My therapist agreed, that the attachment was primitive, developmentally (like an infant attaches to his mother) but that with time and making sure the messages were consistent, he would eventually move on to form another attachment with someone else.  From my experience, this can take years and how you handle it is important for your own safety and sanity.

I don't have any magic answers ... but, I would say that keeping your boundaries consistent and sending him clear messages is a good start.  I would also say, make those boundaries (if you can) firm, but "nice".  I say that because with PD's, their ego's are so easily fractured and they can become more unstable and/or persistent.  They seem to be very sensitive to not getting their way and interpret anything as rejection! The minute I have ever made anything that sounded like a demand to my ex, the result was more of what I didn't want multiplied exponentially.  He loves to punish me!

That Rover plant sounds cool!   

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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A_newlife2014

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2016, 02:09:07 PM »
The front door was freely accessible but he decided to climb the fence and try and put it in the back yard. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view) he fell into Rover our attack plant. This was a large palm in a pot with huge spikes.
He did not take kindly to us having the plant there. I told him people did not climb back fences but left things at the front door and that he was lucky the onsite manager didn't call the police.
He blustered etc It's my right yada yada. But he never did it again. I made it clear that it was unacceptable. Maybe it was my persuasive discussion. Maybe it was the thorns.

OMG, typical! There he is, SNEAKING into your yard, and he's mad that you had the audacity to place a spiky plant in his way. This is SO hilarious, and so sad and ridiculous also. The blame never ends with these people.

Rosemarie,

I'm not sure what you can do with your ex, since, like PDs do a lot of the time, he's stretching boundaries, existing in gray areas, not really overtly breaking the law - yet.

If you have any means of personal persuasion that you think might be effective -- whether that's ignoring him, anger, begging, threatening police action, whatever, then I would try that, because really what you're trying to do is stop him, so he is where you need to start, as going to police, court, etc., files paperwork, and sets up penalties, but doesn't actually physically prevent him from doing what he wants to do.

I would also vary your routine, and keep your plans/your life/your business completely private -- no facebook, nothing public, nothing that he could find out, so he doesn't know where or when you are or what you're doing.

As a last resort I would try for a restraining order. Ostensibly they are for if you feel in imminent danger of bodily harm or something similar, but standards -- written and unwritten -- may be stricter or looser depending on jurisdiction, judge, etc. At any rate, you could always try, and then the worst that would happen is that you would not succeed, but there's no harm in trying.

I'm sorry, but unfortunately, I do not think the police are going to care that your ex boyfriend is putting nice things in your car that you left unlocked, especially since you have only 1 of these incidents under your belt. I'm not saying I agree, I'm just saying the police typically do not care about these things until or unless explicit threats are made, harm has already been done, or blood or other physical evidence is present.

But your ex may not know that, so if you think he' the type to back off at something like that, then by all means mention you are considering it.

Best of luck and stay safe,
-ANL

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HiddenFlower

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2016, 02:59:03 PM »
Lock your car doors (if they can be locked).

Send him a text saying unequivocally and unemotionally, do not come into my car/work area.

Address each boundary breaking head-on this way. Like A_newlife2014 said, the police won't really care if he's just leaving stuff, but if you document that you've addressed it and tell him to leave you alone, they are more likely to pay attention, especially if it starts becoming a pattern.

My uPDXH stalked his exes, and, in turn, stalked me. The lightbulb went off for me when I casually mentioned I was visiting some friends before dropping our daughter off while we were first separated.  He demanded that I tell him where I was going "for our daughter's safety". I was naive then, so I told him the general address to the condo.

The condo was hard to find, even with GPS, and my friend that lived there had to escort me from the main street so I could figure it out. The condo was locked down and you had to have an access pass to get in anywhere.

Well, XH drove there, he had the spare electronic key to my car (stupid then, I know), and he drove around activating my alarm until he found my car. Then he waited around until someone drove in/out of the secure garage and walked in. He texted me that he was downstairs. I told him to come up, but he refused, but played the uncomfortable texting game with me for hours until I decided to leave. Then he drove off and disappeared for a few hours, even though I was trying to drop off DD so I could go to my place and sleep so I could work the next morning. That was the beginning of the stalking drama for me.

Eventually, I had to leave that job, and then my next one (he found out and was stalking me there too), until I finally disappeared. It was extreme, but the only way I could feel safe. The police wouldn't do anything because they didn't see it as "stalking" because he'd never overtly threaten me, he's just follow me and harass my friends and coworkers with questions about me and my personal life. I hope it doesn't have to go that far with you.

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Hikercymru

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #8 on: April 07, 2016, 04:13:09 PM »
Hi Rosemary
In the UK the laws would be much stronger. Could you go to your local sheriff and ask them to have a word with him?
I got the UK police to 'advise ' him, as a first step and it worked. It's the first of many steps towards a restraining order. 
Trouble is, if you tell him to stop he knows that it's bothering you.
I am really sorry that your police only seems to care when harm is done or threats are made. It gives the pd's the upper hand. 
The law has changed here recently to include that if someone emotionally harms you and you ask them to stop,  it is classed as harassment.
I hope it will stop. Keep everything locked.

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Scout

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #9 on: April 07, 2016, 04:42:47 PM »
Lock your car doors (if they can be locked).

Send him a text saying unequivocally and unemotionally, do not come into my car/work area.

Address each boundary breaking head-on this way. Like A_newlife2014 said, the police won't really care if he's just leaving stuff, but if you document that you've addressed it and tell him to leave you alone, they are more likely to pay attention, especially if it starts becoming a pattern.

I agree with this approach, including that if the request is kept dry and unemotional, he can take the least amount of excitement from it.  I would make it very clear, once: do not visit me or leave items for me in my home, work or car, and do not contact me.  Keep a copy or other clear evidence of this request.  If he refuses to comply, you can take the proof of the request to the police.

Then have mail forwarded.  Last I knew, you can do this online in the U.S., and it lasts for up to a year, I believe.  One might also proactively contact companies and individuals who haven't gotten the message and give them the new address.

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mdana

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #10 on: April 07, 2016, 05:10:27 PM »
That reminds me of the Gray Rock method!  It's good! 
Works for any PD person , not just the psychopath I think...

http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Rocket Girl

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #11 on: April 07, 2016, 08:43:31 PM »
Mine hoovers too.  The other day I caught him looking in my window while in his car across the street.  It's just weird.  I pulled the curtain.  We've been broken up over a year, and no contact about 8 months.

If you have things like that to discuss with him, put them in writing.  It won't hurt, and may prove beneficial if you need to take the documentation to the police.
- Rocket Girl

I will take my broken heart any day over his lack of one.

You don't have to be hit to be hurt.

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A_newlife2014

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2016, 09:11:17 PM »
Hi Rosemarie,

I forget to mention, yes, in agreement with others here, from this point forward, get used to putting everything in writing concerning your ex. Authorities require proof, evidence, and written and documented communication is better than he said/she said allegations. A written trail comes in a lot more handy, showing that you told the ex to not contact you, than just relaying to police or court that you said it, which your ex will of course deny.

Hang in there,
-ANL

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Rosemarie

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Re: Guidance needed
« Reply #13 on: April 08, 2016, 03:03:02 AM »
Hikercymru
I do wish we had similar recognition of emotional/psychological abuse. Even some of the domestic violence programs I encountered don't take this seriously. It is heartbreaking. The police are not helpful,  spoke to a police officer who said I was not being helpful in giving him space to return my belongings to me. Wow, really that is what you have to say. Weird since I did not even have a request from him to figure out whether I even wanted the items, and then if I had wanted them, a request on how we could arrange for me to get them would be my preference.

I did speak with him, set a boundary and felt like he was passifying me, by saying "thank you for being clear." He knows just what I want to hear. My sense i that he parrots what he thinks I want to hear and then in the long run does whatever he wants. I saw this throughout our relationship and was often confused by his actions, which did not match his word..Now I see more clearly and am once again waking up Out of the FOG. Painful, shameful, but necessary.

I also love the grey rock idea. I am definitely going to employ it. I like the compassion and the clarity.

Thanks all!!!


 
"Communication is to relationship what breathing is to life."  Virginia Satir