Why our Children Come First

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Liftedfog

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Why our Children Come First
« on: April 07, 2016, 06:25:40 PM »
I grew up in a culture than frowned down on divorce. You stuck it through even with physical and mental abuse.  This is what I lived as a child, this is what I thought was normal.  Fast forward, I am married with children.  I saw the red flags and ignored them all.  I didnít want my children to be from a broken home so I stayed in the dysfunction and torture.  What I hadnít already realized that the family unit was already broken except we were all living as a family.  I struggled to not leave because the stigma is that children from divorced families go on to become hoodlums, etc.   It wasnít until after I was forced to leave from my expd being violent that the fog lifted in so many ways.  To ALL of us with small children who have made the decision that children need one stable parent away from the chaos and dysfunction.  It is OUR children that will turn out to be that amazing teacher who will show other children the way.  It is OUR children that will turn out to be that psychologist who will ďget itĒ when their patient reminds them of their own upbringing.  Our children will be that outstanding police officer who helps keep the peace in a family, someone who volunteers in a homeless shelter, a lawyer who helps a mother who canít afford the legal costs, etc, etc, etc.  More importantly, it is OUR children who will turn out to be the best husband, wife, father, or mother, because they have learned so much from ONE stable parent.  We can do this!   We are enough!  We are all our children need.  Letís not disappoint them.  They come first always!   I have tears in my eyes as I post.  I almost lost mine because I was trying to save my expdh and my focus was off my kids.    Never again!!!!!  God bless to all!

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Zora88

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Re: Why our Children Come First
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2016, 06:56:52 PM »
LF, your post is timely for me.  Yesterday, I ran across a post I made in another forum asking how people dealt with waiting to announce the separation when they knew they were going but couldn't just leave because of safety and so they had to pretend everything was fine for awhile.  I have pasted a snippet below (the other forum is anonymous without user names so I am not outing myself, I hope). What struck me, almost two years later, is how focused I was in those last days on the kids.  I stayed for years, too, thinking it was better for them - in some cases being advised (incorrectly) by my then-t that they were too young for me to leave. But finally I saw the truth, which is what is reflected in what I wrote below about what was happening right before I left:

Yet the harsh words keep coming. The youngest - already in therapy - says she can't take it anymore. Every little thing she does, or says, or thinks - he is on her. The older one is scarily immune to his harshness because she doesn't try to allow herself to do anything against his rules - even if it is eating a special treat on vacation. I want to cry and cry and cry - not for me, although I need that, too, but for that little one especially. I know I can't say anything bad. She loves him, and I don't want to get into bad mouthing him. I CAN'T get into bad mouthing him - that would hurt her, too. But I want to cry until there are no tears left. That little angel has the sweetest soul, and every word he says to her, and every threat - I don't know how I am going to get through the next few days.

Everyone says I am so strong and it must be such a strain to pretend all is fine until I can get out safely, blah, blah, blah. Today I am supposed to be working, but I can't stop thinking of those little eyes and the tears and the way she covers her eyes and repeats "I can't take it."

I wish I had superpowers, that I could be like an invisible forcefield around those kids to bounce the harsh words off and to let them have not a perfect childhood, but an appropriate non-abusive one. Sadly, all I can achieve is a little distance, and even that feels like it won't come fast enough.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Why our Children Come First
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2016, 09:24:19 PM »
Just wanted to send you a big cyberhug from one protective mom to another.  I am focusing on only being defined by that title. I am not the exwife of a PD, or all the disgusting names expd has called me, or a single mom. I call myself a protective mom. Nobody comes before my children. I make sure i am always emotionally and physically available to them. They are young still. And for this reason, I have zero interest in dating. Period.  The torture and abuse inflicted on us is real. At night when I close my eyes, I am so thankful to have left the chaos behind.  My expdh would use my children as adults to confide in. He would burden their hearts and minds with the shit of lies he would dump on them. Yes he was delusional and sick but still, those innocent kids were on the receiving end of his crap and I couldn't stop the train wreck.  Six months of hell they endured and I will have to live with that guilt that I didn't leave sooner.  But I was scared and broken, scrambling and struggling on trying too understand mental illness and his psychotic episodes.  I replay so many  of those episodes in my mind and I find it therapeutic. Coinfirms my leaving has saved me and children. Expdh remains psychotic with no insight and has not seen children in almost three years. I too don't speak negatively of dad ever.  I can't burden children with adult issues.   I see Gods hand in it all.  Faith will make us stronger and give us hope to better our children's lives everyday.

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Scout

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Re: Why our Children Come First
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2016, 09:40:33 PM »
I grew up in a culture than frowned down on divorce. You stuck it through even with physical and mental abuse.  This is what I lived as a child, this is what I thought was normal.  Fast forward, I am married with children.  I saw the red flags and ignored them all.  I didnít want my children to be from a broken home so I stayed in the dysfunction and torture.  What I hadnít already realized that the family unit was already broken except we were all living as a family.  I struggled to not leave because the stigma is that children from divorced families go on to become hoodlums, etc.   It wasnít until after I was forced to leave from my expd being violent that the fog lifted in so many ways.  To ALL of us with small children who have made the decision that children need one stable parent away from the chaos and dysfunction.  It is OUR children that will turn out to be that amazing teacher who will show other children the way.  It is OUR children that will turn out to be that psychologist who will ďget itĒ when their patient reminds them of their own upbringing.  Our children will be that outstanding police officer who helps keep the peace in a family, someone who volunteers in a homeless shelter, a lawyer who helps a mother who canít afford the legal costs, etc, etc, etc.  More importantly, it is OUR children who will turn out to be the best husband, wife, father, or mother, because they have learned so much from ONE stable parent.  We can do this!   We are enough!  We are all our children need.  Letís not disappoint them.  They come first always!   I have tears in my eyes as I post.  I almost lost mine because I was trying to save my expdh and my focus was off my kids.    Never again!!!!!  God bless to all!

Lovely and inspiring post.  And I really think you're right.

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mdana

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Re: Why our Children Come First
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2016, 03:00:44 AM »
 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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hhaw

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Re: Why our Children Come First
« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2016, 11:28:51 AM »
Liftedfog:

I agree with you 100%.  No one should come before our children, and we're obligated to do what we can to protect our children.....

Protective mama bears.


hhaw

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Mariposa

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Re: Why our Children Come First
« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2016, 12:22:21 PM »
It's such a hard decision to leave. I stayed because I felt I needed to protect my children.  Whether I stayed or not, the children would be the recipient of pd treatment 50% of the time. If you leave, most states would grant 50% custody to each parent, and you would not be there to protect them. Obviously the kids would be used as pawns.  that's why I chose to stay. For the past 2 years I keep trying to rethink what I could have done to make things different, but at the end of the day I couldn't have left any sooner.  Maybe with my ex the drinking and the affairs kept him away from home a lot of the time, therefore away from the kids. I used to pick up the kids from school every day, they would sheepishly ask, 'is dad going to be home for dinner?" what a sigh of relief when I said I didn't think so.  if we were divorced, who knows if on his days he would be home, or even fix them dinner, or how he would treat them. I couldn't subject them to it.  And they didn't want to be around him.  At least I was the buffer most of the time.  Everyone's situation is different, sometimes you do have to end up staying in the best interest of the kids, you have to make the choice sometimes between which is situation is worse, not better.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Why our Children Come First
« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2016, 01:15:59 PM »
Mari, I agree with you 100 per cent. I stayed for same reason as you.  I could only protect them in the home with pd. I only left cause he assaulted me in public.  I couldn't cover up this anymore. Police came and arrested him.  I am not as brave as  all of you who eventually left on your own.  I think I would still be there with him today.  Makes me so sad to think this. Hugs to you.

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mdana

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Re: Why our Children Come First
« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2016, 11:13:42 PM »
Horrible situation to be in ...
I often wondered (and looked with envy) at women who married men who were "normal" ...men who cared about the welfare of the children as much as the mom ... Men who were not violent or abusive... or drinking excessively, or out having women all over town. 

My sister just separated from her husband who has spending issues.  He is a good dad though ...comes every day to help them with homework, picks them up from school, drops off lunch ... NEVER misses 1 day! He had spending issues and they grew apart (she has some other issues too(...but, their kids (for the two of them) are always #1

Sad... that things were not like this for so many of us....

M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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Kit99

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Re: Why our Children Come First
« Reply #9 on: April 10, 2016, 11:21:07 PM »
 :thumbup: :applause:
Love this post!