An ideas how to make a graceful exit?

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tarascottxxx

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An ideas how to make a graceful exit?
« on: April 09, 2016, 12:41:20 PM »
Four months ago I was swept off my feet by a very charming and exotic man.  He seemed to be everything I ever wanted.  I was very lonely and discontent at the time and he was the answer to my prayers.  I was in an unhappy relationship when i met him and we started an affair.  He was not interested to hear anything about my partner or my situation. I just thought he was being respectful of my space.  I broke up my relationship, which was a long time coming, but I was behaving in a way that was out of character for me.  I was emotionally unavailable to support my ex partner through the break up. 
I was totally consumed by this perfect individual.  I felt so lucky.  I showered him with love and listened to all his heart breaking stories.  I fell madly in love.  He poured his heart out to me on nearly every occasion that we met.  He never asked anything about my life and If i tried to share anything he went blank. Not interested at all!  This made me start to see red flags.  I noticed that he can look completely different depending on the situation he was in.  By different I mean you could be looking at a completely different person.  He can not cope with my independent point of view.   He went crazy when I had a feminist critical analysis of a film we watched. He was  not just disagreeing with me he was angry. He will get very angry if I disagree with him on anything and a few minute later it like nothing happened. !  Also He has a strong bond with his ex.  He uses her as a means to make me feel insecure.  He spends a lot of time with her.  This made me jealous at first but then I was in both their company.  He totally blanked me and gave all his attention to her. This did not seem normal. It somehow seemed like a deliberate way to manipulate both of us.

I got very alarmed.  I have stepped back.  Having dealt with similar personality types in the past I know now I am a pawn.  The PD noticed the minute I put 2 and 2 together.  His whole demure changed.  He asked me about my sudden change.  I said I was under a lot of stress, which is true. 

Since then, I am still engaging with him through text and calls.  I am trying to use the grey rock method so he becomes uninterested.  He sees that my attitude toward him has changed.  I don't want to piss him off.  We work together.  I have discussed my feelings on other work colleagues and such.  There is nothing too incriminating in what we discussed but theses guys can use little bits of information to make big problems. 

I feel like Ive really messed up.  I do not want to pursue anything with this person.  I am frightened of him and I would like him stop seeing me as a target.  I have professed a deep love to him.  Now I am distant.  I don't want him to feel threatened by me.  It  is a new relationship so I know he is not done with me yet.  Please any  tips to make him move on without making him suspicious would be greatly appreciated.

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practical

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Re: An ideas how to make a graceful exit?
« Reply #1 on: April 09, 2016, 01:41:22 PM »
Welcome to OOTF!

This sounds like a really difficult position to be in as you cannot avoid seeing him. I think what you are doing sounds like a good approach to slowly distance yourself and hope he will lose interest in you and move on.

You might find more help in the Toolbox     and might want to check out the Chosen Relationships and the Separating and Divorcing   boards to see whether you can find some wisdom in the posts made by others or by asking your own questions. This information might be helpful to you: Personal Safety

Having dealt with similar personality types in the past I know now I am a pawn. 
It seems you have experienced similar situations before. I went through three narcissistic BFs before I realized I was repeating a pattern and sought out therapy. It was only then I realized I was dating versions of my uNPDm and repeating the patterns I had learned in my dysfunctional family. Have you reflected on why you might be drawn to people like this? Do you have a family background that might make you vulnerable and draws you to what is familiar but unfortunately dysfunctional? I had issues with codependency, being a rescuer and fixer, was used to being a doormat and have worked hard on overcoming these learned behaviors and coping strategies that no longer serve a function, instead causing me a lot of pain.

As you go forward you might want to check out the Rules of Relationships so your next relationship will hopefully be a healthy and safe one. http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/know-the-rules-of-relationships

Hope to see you on the boards!   
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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tarascottxxx

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Re: An ideas how to make a graceful exit?
« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2016, 03:35:45 PM »
Thank you Practical.  That is sound advice.  I am finding lots of helpful information here.  it is definitely time to examine my romantic choices.  My sister and my mother have been very emotionally manipulative towards me my whole life .  Also many of my past romantic partners were emotionally abusive.   Maybe the silver lining of this latest experience is that I can do as you have done.  Work on myself!  Also i realised that i tend to go for people who are unusual.  They have some quality that sets them apart.  From now on I think I should consider such traits a deterrent rather than an attraction.  It is probably time for the therapist.

Thank you

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practical

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Re: An ideas how to make a graceful exit?
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2016, 05:08:32 PM »
You may want to check out the Out of the FOG-Books   or check out the Book Reviews board http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=26.0 . Maybe look for books on Codependence or Boundaries. After breaking up with my last BF a friend of mine gave me a book that really helped me as I recognized myself in many of the stories: "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

You'll also find a great article on boundaries in the toolbox as well as an ongoing thread in the Working on us board. Boundaries are something I have really been working on with regard to PDparents as well as friends and other people.
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=24.0

Also i realised that i tend to go for people who are unusual.  They have some quality that sets them apart.  From now on I think I should consider such traits a deterrent rather than an attraction.  It is probably time for the therapist.
I went for the overly self-assured, who thought they were special. In the end they were especially insecure I realize in hindsight. My husband is special to me, for outsiders he might look just normal, which is a good thing in my book now. He is solid, loving, caring, supportive, thoughtful and simply there for me. He sees me for who I am and not somebody who needs to fit some ideal he has. I'm more than good enough for him.

I came across this quote recently and maybe it can help you further sort out what went wrong with your last relationship as well as help you what to look for in any future relationship:
"An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability and competence in a balanced way." By Harriet Lerner
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)