Don't know where to turn anymore! Help

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No-more-drama

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Don't know where to turn anymore! Help
« on: April 10, 2016, 07:04:01 PM »
Hi Everyone! I'm new here.
I stumbled across this site and I'm hoping some of you can help me understand a few things.
OK here goes....
When I first met hubs he said to me 'please excuse my sister, she is always putting me down' I thought this was just brothers and sisters bickering however over time it's got worse! Here are some examples of some of her behaviour.
When I had just given birth to our son my MIL, FIL and SIL were there at the hospital waiting as soon as they heard that our son had been born. I had a 39 hour labour and lost ALOT of blood during my sons birth. When I was wheeled to the ward they came in. The first thing my SIL said was ' Oh my god! You look rough as hell!! That's the exact reason I won't have kids, it ruins your body and you always look like crap' . My I laws quickly changed the subject.
My SIL has always seemed envious of our son and always says to him 'you're a naughty boy' when he hasn't done anything wrong. She has never expressed an interest in wanting children and she has a condition in which could make it difficult to have children. She got with her partner about 5 years ago. He has two teenage children and has had the snip as he doesn't want anymore children.

On our sons first birthday hubs decided to ask me to marry him. She spent the whole day either looking in catalogues at what engagement rings she would like or emailing pics to her boyfriends of ones she liked.
I remember her saying 'I don't wanna be bridesmaid so please don't ask'. A few weeks went by and my in laws asked who we were going to have as bridesmaids, I said that I didn't want any only our son as our pageboy. They went up in the air and said we had to ask SIL as she really wants to be bridesmaid.
I decided I would have her and my best friend as my bridesmaids. Since I asked her she had been a nightmare telling me what I have to choose, what she wasn't willing to wear, how she hated our choice of wedding cake, colour scheme and flowers, she fell out with us as she wanted her hair the same as mine and I wanted to bmaids to match. She went crazy and said she wouldn't come to the wedding. I even canceled my hen night due to her behaviour. I had so much stress from her in the run up to the wedding it made me sick, I lost some hair, had bad palpitations all the time and lost 1 stone the two weeks before the wedding due to her tantrums and drama.
My hubs puts his food down with her and all he gets is his parents having a go at him and trying to make excuses for her behaviour.
Hub had a very hard time in work and due to a work colleague getting into trouble and trying to drag other people down with him it resulted in him losing his job and he spiralled into depression due to not doing anything wrong and being the only income in our house it created huge money troubles just before our wedding. SIL came down and shouted that everyone was pandering to hubs and that he should grow the **** up.

At the meal the evening before the wedding she sat with her boyfriends and his kids and openly said in front of all of our family and friends that she fancied the best man and would sleep with him given half the chance. Hubs best man and heavily pregnant wife were there too and hubs told her to have some damn respect for her boyfriend and the best man and his wife and that he was disgusted in her behaviour.

We got married and I sadly had to have some medication from the doctor to keep me calm and chilled on the wedding day due to being so stressed in the run up.
On the day she asked anybody and everybody if they thought she was thinner than the bride (me).
When hubs did his speech she stormed out for the rest of the day she stayed outside and we never saw her, right or wrong neither hubs or myself went looking for her or in laws as we were too busy having fun with all of our other 90 guests.

When we received the wedding DVD everyone had done well wishes for us. When it came to hers she swore and insulted hubs also saying that he was a p***y because he cried when he saw me on our big day. It was that bad that we had to ask the videographer to remove it from the wedding DVD. Even he admitted he was disgusted by what she said.
Since that day she decided she wouldn't speak to us because hubs apparently 'bullied her' the evening before the wedding by saying that about his best man.

When we went to visit my Inlaws, my SIL came through the door and ignored us but took my son upstairs. I approached my MIL and said why has she taken him up there she said that she wanted to give him his birthday present that she hadn't given him on his birthday (5 months ago) due to not speaking to us. I let it go and thought she may just be embarrassed by her actions. She came down 30 mins later and walked straight out. My son told me that she said she isn't talking to Mummy and Daddy because they are childish and need to grow the **** up. I couldn't believe this and it annoyed me. She had kicked off at our house on our sons 4th birthday resulting in her shouting and walking out, slamming the door and missing my son my less than an inch.

I texted her his week asking why she wasn't talking to us and that we needed to sort this out as we are family, she messaged me back saying a load of abuse saying her brother (hubs) had bullied and belittled her for years and she wasn't putting up with it anymore. Hubs is the most gentle person you could ever meet!
She told me I was stopping her seeing my son. I messaged her back and said that I have never stopped her seeing him but that we are the ones having to explain why she screamed and shouted in our house, slammed doors and ignored mummy and daddy. I said he's not stupid and he knows when something is going on and that if she wouldn't be respectful and civil to us I front of him then she wouldn't see him until she could. She sent me a load of abuse and apparently she was so upset that someone from her work had to take her home.
I grew up with shouting in my house hold and I remember it very clearly. I'm so protective over our son and to ensure he isn't around shouting and negative events. Hubs keeps getting the blame and we both admitted that the months where we didn't speak to her were much better because they were drama free.
Hubs parents rung and I explained what had gone on and even sent screenshots of the whole convo. They said it was a very different story to what she had said. They asked hubs if he was willing to sit down one to one with her and talk things through and he agreed.......she refused.
I've had so many tears over this 38 year old woman and I can't explain her actions, I've not had anyone in my life behave like this before. So I would appreciate any advice!
I'm so sorry for the long babble and if you have got down this far THANK YOU. I don't have any other family I can speak to about this.

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guitarman

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Re: Don't know where to turn anymore! Help
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2016, 09:11:41 PM »
Welcome No-more-drama. You are not alone.

I have an undiagnosed uBPD/uNPD sister. What you have told us is familiar to me. The dramas and stress involved living with or around someone either diagnosed or undiagnosed with a personality disorder can be tremendous. Few would believe it if they have not witnessed it themselves.

There is lots of information here on the website. Some guidance about how to and how not to respond in the Toolbox.

There are others here who have posted about wedding events. We had a terrible time with my sister at such times. A joyous family occasion spoilt by her. We can laugh about it now but at the time it was horrendous.

I'm sorry to hear that you had a terrible time. It all sounds so stressful for you. I know how stressful it can be.

I'd like to respond more but I'm tired, perhaps later on.

Keep calm, keep strong. Keep learning.

Best wishes.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Jenny Field

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Re: Don't know where to turn anymore! Help
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2016, 10:20:13 AM »
Welcome NMD !
Iím sorry to hear about the dramas at your wedding and what youíll find here is you are not alone. What you write about is familiar to me.
Iím now celebrating 3 decades of marriage so will share my experience as some might be relevant. With me my uBPDm  & uNF created the same drama your SIL did and my enGCSis did the enabling that your in-laws are doing for SIL. Long story short I went VLC after the wedding and a few years after that NC. As with your experience it was much happier for DH and I with the drama/trouble removed as far as possible from our lives.
Regarding your SIL saying she was bullied, that was interesting. I raised the same issue with my T (therapist) as I was amazed that uBPDm & enGCSis thought I was bullying them as there were 2 of them and 1 of me  and enGCSis was older than me. My T explained it as Ö.I was trying to take them to a place that they simply couldnít go to or simply didnít want to go to. With the PD disordered individual my experience is they really are not capable of what they are being asked. So in your SILs case to respect those present is asking her to do something she will never, ever, be capable of. So to her that does feels like bullying. Weird ha?   :stars: Likewise with boundaries in my experience. uBPDm claims Iím controlling because I wouldnít accept her behaviour. Again, boundaries are asking the PD to behave in a way that is not natural for them.
That is why I think they say the only thing we can do is work on ourselves so I would 2nd Guitarman and recommend reading especially the Toolbox in particular the 3 ĎCís.
There was a book recommended by a poster by Dr Martha Stout ďLiving Next Door to a SociopathĒ which I would really recommend reading as well. That gave me a lot of help even if it was only awareness of how they think and what to look out for.

Thankfully, with this forum we are never alone.