Ah ha moments Out of the FOG, out & about

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Arya

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Ah ha moments Out of the FOG, out & about
« on: April 17, 2016, 07:03:22 PM »
I had a encounter w a stranger the other day that prompted me to start this thread.  It was an encounter that made me notice and go "ah ha" I am different Out of the FOG, I've learned a lot. I thought it could be a good thread topic to share these experiences.

I've had many ah ha's but the other day I went to a tire shop to get a price quote. I am female, I don't look like a stereotypical big truck driving person. But, I have a farm so I need to know stuff about my vehicle and its equipment...and being raised by a gaslighting PD, I have that compulsion to educate myself extensively on everything so I know my proof positive facts ahead of time= like my truck tires and what to buy etc.

I had a specific brand/ model tire I wanted quote for.  My truck also is very new, very cool, and the sort that makes men at gas stations come up to me with a religious like zeal saying " wow that's a nice truck". Kaching, yeah, I know fellas:-)

So, I walk in give the tire size and tire I want the quote on. The boy at counter says I've never heard of it and it's not in our system. I say, huh, well when I checked online you guys sell them. So he gets huffy and looks again. Then says he needs to confirm the tires size in my truck because he says I must have given him wrong size. I am sure that I did not, but smile and show him out to my chariot.

He looks at the tire and huffs that I gave him wrong size number.....I am 100% sure I did not. But I cont. To say nothing.

The ah ha for me was, I was sure I was dealing w someone trying to gaslight/ project to cover their own error. There was no reason for him to need to save face, he could have said ooops I entered the wrong numbers/ misunderstood etc. He chose to employ a crappy head game to avoid Admitting a mistake

The second ah ha, I did not trigger and JADE or engage in any way. That's kind of a big deal for me. I've had a lifetime of blowing up like a firecracker when I sensed someone was pulling this kind of head game. I felt secure, I knew what was up, I did not engage it in any way.........and no I will not be buying my tires there! Their loss for bad behavior!

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Bloomie

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Re: Ah ha moments Out of the FOG, out & about
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2016, 07:13:35 PM »
Arya - LOVE this success story all the way around. I could just imagine the entire scene. How great it must be to be able to see this unfolding and to not engage! Bravo!!

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Arya

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Re: Ah ha moments Out of the FOG, out & about
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2016, 07:45:58 PM »
Arya - LOVE this success story all the way around. I could just imagine the entire scene. How great it must be to be able to see this unfolding and to not engage! Bravo!!

Thanks! Yes, it felt like when you take the training wheels off your bike and are really doing it solo! It was a big ah ha for me, you know it's about them, not you, not reality....just walk away

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Bloomie

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Re: Ah ha moments Out of the FOG, out & about
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2016, 01:16:42 PM »
Exactly. It's not about us and we can walk away unscathed!

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alonenow

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Re: Ah ha moments Out of the FOG, out & about
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2016, 10:39:03 AM »
     Congrats on being able to walk away from a possible trigger. 
   I too often feel the need to making such encounters a teaching moment (not for me). I have over reacted and explained their Error in no uncertain terms probably left over from all the times I did not stand up for myself when being poorly treated by FOO where any issue where they projected to hide their flaw or errors.  This can be a trigger but I recently realized way too many people simply do not listen or focus on a task even in customer service.
    One of the items I am working on and I also  find it helpful to share my small growth victories. I was recently corrected on an item that I was incorrect about I used to get defensive but managed to be open to being corrected.  I did not until recently see all the little habits and issues I STILL carry   from childhood.   
 I also am opening up to the fact that some items may be seen as PD like to my children so I have to actively watch myself. Sometimes I feel one of my kids wants more input from me but I am actively trying not to be seen as butting in and trying to steer their course.
Small victories thanks for reminding me by sharing your post.

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Arya

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Re: Ah ha moments Out of the FOG, out & about
« Reply #5 on: June 09, 2016, 10:32:06 PM »
Yes, I agree, know what you mean. I have a bit of paranoia that when I have taken someone to task after a incident like the tires .....i walk away looking like the freakish jerk. For me it seems all wrapped up with being gaslighted, taking bait, jade-ing......
I have had a huge sign on my back saying " will take bait and go off like a firecracker" to the wrong sort of person, they find this amusing. The sort of covert Narcissist passive aggressive....sets a perfect ha ha you're the red faced angry person ha ha.

I also make a point to be mindful of when I make a error and get called out for it. I've found it a relief to be able to just say, oh gosh. I'm sorry that's on me, let me fix it. With a smile.....it really is tge antidote to feeling bad about a mistake, just take it on the chin smile make it right. Something my FOO never never never would do. Thinking about the nasty defensive dumb battling to deny some no big deal error...omg, makes my skin crawl.

But, I do have to tame that snappish anger flea that when I sense someone passive aggressively denying, avoiding their mistake. I'm trying to think of it like, just walk away, whatever, leave them in their own mess, you don't need to correct, fix, make a point just disengage if someone chooses that path.