Possible PD MIL

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Possible PD MIL
« on: April 19, 2016, 01:33:49 PM »
Hi, I believe my MIL may have NPD or HPD. She has had my husband and I so anxious lately. One night last week before she was coming over I stayed up late to clean because we ask her not to clean while she's here but she does it anyways. I ended up not getting much done because I had to rewash and boil a bunch of my son's bottles that she cleaned. She did not take them all the way apart and they had old milk and mold trapped in them. The next day while she was there she refolded my towels that were hanging in my bathroom. (Note she did not fold unfolded towels out of the dryer, she took towels that were already hanging up in my bathroom and folded them a different way.) She was going to be watching my son while we were at work for three days last week because my FIL and step MIL who usually watch him were out of town and my parents had to work. She called my husband while he was working and said she forgot she had tickets to a baseball game for one of the days and she wanted to know if she could take him. My husband told her it would probably be okay but he wanted to check with me first. He called me on his break and I said no because I want to take him to his first game. We decided we would talk about it when he gets home. Immediately afterwards I get an extremely long text from MIL saying how she forgot she had the tickets and it wouldn't be a big deal because they go all the time but their friends were going to be there and it would be the first time they saw them after their son died. She had already called the ballpark and they assured her it was perfectly safe to take infants, people do it all the time, she had their really good seats moved higher up so it's safer, and one of her friends is also a grandmother. In her text she said she had already asked my H but she wanted to run it by me first. (Which is different from what he said) I waited until he got home and discussed it with him. I said I know he probably wouldn't remember it but I want to take him. Then we decided I should be the one to text her because she keeps crying to my H when I'm not there that I don't like her even though she tries to do everything for me. (She buys us expensive gifts and things. For example, before our wedding she asked if I wanted a videographer "because if I want one she'll get one" for me. I said "oh, well I know they're expensive and we don't really need one. I have a photographer and someone else was going to just film it. I don't need a professional." "Well they are expensive but if NEED me to get you one I'll do it for you." "No that's okay..." -this continued round and round for a while. She ended up getting one anyways even though we left it off with her not getting one. She was in almost every shot and I was barely in it.) Back to this past week, I texted her and said I would like to take him to his first game, my parents were mistaken and actually can watch him that day so she can go to the game. She started texting me about how my H's step dad is so disappointed, and they had already moved their seats, how she wanted to support her friends, but she just won't go. I tell her there is no reason for her not to go, we have someone to watch him. She says we're more important and it wouldn't be a big deal because they go to the games all the time but they want to support their friends after their loss. I call her because I wanted to make sure there wasn't a misunderstanding and because I didn't want her to get rid of their tickets when there is no reason for them not to go. It was a mistake. We went round and round and round several times about all the same things already covered in the texts and she kept mentioning how bad she felt for my step FIL because he was so excited and told their friends they would get to meet his grandkid and how they didn't think it would be a problem since it's perfectly safe and he wouldn't remember the game but she wanted to check with me first. She said her and my SFIL barely get to see him but my FIL, SMIL, Mom, and Dad get to see him all the time. (She lives further away and when my son was born we told everyone we would not be score keeping and if people want to see him they just need to ask and make time and it will be found. She hasn't once tried to make plans with us where my SFIL could see him. My FIL and SMIL babysit him when we're at work and my Mom picks him up on her way home because their house is closer to my work and on my way home.) I told her we aren't keeping score and I didn't call her to do this. I had to keep interrupting her because she kept trying to start it again. I told her I would love for my SFIL to see him more and asked if we could make some plans. She then said he works too much and mows the neighbors lawns on Saturdays so he doesn't have time. I eventually became so exhausted that I said "well, I'm sorry but you should have asked first." Her voice changed "Well...I did ask. I asked -my H- and he said it would be fine but I thought we should check with you first." She got nasty a couple of more times and I finally was able to say my parents will be watching him and you guys go to the game and support your friends. She was still going on and on so I focused my attention on my son and started talking to him while he cooed at me and somehow we got to a point where we both said bye and hung up. When she was going to be babysitting him a different day she asked my H if she could take him to the zoo. (He's an infant so he hasn't been yet) My H said we wanted to take him but what if her and my SFIL met us at the zoo on the weekend so he could see him she got an attitude and said she didn't want to go anywhere with us. She then asked where besides the mall can she take him. My H said not the mall (fearing she would shop) and after discussing it with me, (these conversations took place over time last week)   we said if she truly needs to take him anywhere they can go to the Target near us but we really would prefer she didn't because we're new parents and we're just kind of scared of him getting kidnaped or sick or something. We are still trying to get used to the anxiety of being at work and not being able to watch him ourselves so we would really prefer him to avoid unnecessary outings. (We do take him some places but then we're with him.) She got really offended and said she just wouldn't go anywhere. She told my H he needed to grow a pair and stand up to me when I'm wrong then proceeded to insult his parenting skills. I come home that day to find out she took him for a walk around the neighborhood (which is fine, we all do that with him) but she took him inside a complete stranger's house and spent time in there. My H and I were horrified. Now this was a stranger with a baby of her own at least but that doesn't make it okay; she could have been anyone or anyone could have been waiting inside. We felt like she did it out of spite because we laid down specific reasons for why we didn't want him going out somewhere and she did something close to home in direct violation of those fears. She also told this woman she should meet me and be friends with her. She also told this to another woman she met thay day and it felt like a huge intrusion to me. I like to take my son for walks too and now I am worried I'll find myself in some sort of uncomfortable situation. There is so much more she has done over the years, this was just last week. My H is in therapy because of how she treated him growing up. Am I grasping at straws or does it sound like I'm in the right place? What really hit home for me on this site is up until recently with her I had felt so isolated from my friends and family because it was hard to explain how this person who does all of these nice things makes me feel so uneasy. I was refraining from talking about some of the things she has done because I wanted my family to have a good relationship with her and she's my H's mother. I need a plan to protect my son from her.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2016, 01:47:25 PM by Searching2113 »



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Re: Possible PD MIL
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2016, 05:44:55 PM »

Hello and welcome to OOTF.  I am sorry to hear that you are having problems with a PD MIL.  Getting married and having a new baby can be times of anxiety, even if it is good anxiety.  I remember feeling nervous when going through these new experiences.  I also remember experiencing conflict with my PDmom during these times too.  It was during the time that I had my first child that I started to come Out of the FOG about my PDmom.  If I knew then what I know now, I would have practiced a lot more medium chill.  http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill.  Medium chill is where you make a choice to disengage from all of the drama with the personality disordered person.  Another thing to remember is that it is perfectly ok to say No.  You don't have to JADE which is to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. No is no.  http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

Here are some other links that might be helpful in dealing with your MIL:


I think setting boundaries is a learned skill that takes time and practice.  Sometimes for me, setting boundaries also took a little bit of courage.  Sometimes when you set a boundary with a personality disordered person they can get angry with you. Just remember not to argue back with them and remember that its ok to say no.  I had to learn to tolerate the discomfort of having mom mad at me.  That was a struggle. Hopefully things will improve with your MIL.  Hopefully we will see you on the boards soon.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...  It's about learning to dance in the rain. - Vivian Greene