Disciplining your kids and the "village"

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HiddenFlower

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Disciplining your kids and the "village"
« on: April 19, 2016, 02:47:16 PM »
I don't know exactly where to put this, because it's about my kids but not necessarily about how they interact with the other parent...

Since I've been unraveling the PD people and other issues I've had in my life since leaving my XH years ago, I noticed one thing and I wanted to bounce this off of someone because I always found it unusual.

I used to be really close-knit with my family (immediate and extended) before leaving XH. One thing some members used to do was, if my kids did something that they didn't like, they would say "Captured, tell DD/DS to do X". So, for example, if my son is crying, they will say "Captured, tell DS to stop crying!". But sometimes I'm not in the immediate area or the incident just started before I even got a chance to open my mouth, so why yell at me to tell my kids to stop doing X, like they are parenting me?

I mean, alternatives could be "DS, stop crying!", especially if they are in the immediate area and/or if they are the first to get the words out before me. Or, if they don't feel comfortable admonishing him, they could say "Captured, could you tell DS to stop crying?". But, I noticed, the exact words were a command to me--"Tell DS to stop crying!"

I always felt uncomfortable when they said that because, one, to yell at me like that in front of my kids makes me feel devalued or less of a parent. Like, the other person is the Super Parent telling me how to parent.

The other thing is, I would never dare yell at someone else about what to do with their kids. If their kid is behaving badly, I will either address the child directly, or go tell the person "Your kid is doing X". But I would never yell a command like that at them directly.

Has anyone experienced this? Am I being too sensitive about it? Also, I noticed it was certain people that would do this, like my uPD Mom, my brother (who is mom's flying monkey and probably has issues of his own), and my cousin (who I lived with briefly during my separation from XH, but had a falling out at the end). Most other people don't really say that to me.

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looloo

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Re: Disciplining your kids and the "village"
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2016, 04:52:43 PM »
I'm not a parent, but I've experienced similar things (people wanting me to "handle", "mitigate", "STOP" someone or something from doing whatever it is they're doing.  I've learned to decode a bit of PD language, and to me, this translates to:

"Manage MY discomfort about what so-and-so's doing NOW."

It's usually has nothing to do with constructively correcting a child's behavior, or getting someone out of danger, or crossing the street with my dog so that she doesn't start barking angrily at the other dog -- or whatever.  It only relates to the PD and their personal unease, and instead of holding themselves personally accountable for addressing it, they just dump it on you, as if it's your responsibility.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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RapunzelNoMore

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Re: Disciplining your kids and the "village"
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2016, 08:55:54 PM »
I was thinking about posting about this elsewhere, but it fits here. I saw the sequel to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding ", and a phrase was repeated throughout the movie: "Toula, fix this!"

Not that she was the one responsible for the situation, but everyone expected her to swoop in and take charge and fix everything so that no one else was inconvenienced or upset.

I realized that this is what PD's do. If they aren't comfortable/happy, then everything in their world is off kilter, but it falls on everyone else to "fix" it. They have no understanding of how to keep their world balanced, because they have so much whirling around.

I hope this makes sense.
And at last I see the light, and it's like the fog has lifted

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kiwihelen

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Re: Disciplining your kids and the "village"
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2016, 11:33:55 PM »
In my good enough family, as an auntie I have the right to manage the discipline of any of my siblings children if they are unable to do the discipline themselves I.E. they are not there or they are dealing with another child.
BUT - I have to respect the rules of that particular family around discipline. Fortunately there is a large overlap in values across the families.

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xredshoesx

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Re: Disciplining your kids and the "village"
« Reply #4 on: April 19, 2016, 11:59:07 PM »
this is something that has happened at my work in the past.

a teacher would make a similar remark in front of our boss which basically makes it sounds like the other teacher targeted can't manage their class. 

it's underhand and one of those 'but i meant to do well' insidious kinds of things.

if i have to check a kid i check a kid on my own authority and don't tell their teacher what to tell them.