Wow a whole new level of awful

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Sunny

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Wow a whole new level of awful
« on: April 20, 2016, 02:35:18 AM »
 Hi everyone, sunny here.  I have taken a few days off to try to recoup some of the belongings that were given away by PD sis "Executrix"  I kid you not, she calls herself that !!!

 Brief backstory, I am going through a divorce with a dx N/OCPDh,  and even he has been a stand up guy compared to my multiple siblings.   I posted "PDfest" detailing my udxPD (prob N) sis and en B descending on the family home one month after my father died.

We had all traveled a long way, but my flight was two hours late. When I arrived, my parents home which they bought 40+ years ago, and is 3000 ft.≤, was almost entirely empty and 13 "friends" of the family were ransacking it.

 I left with some collectibles and some valuable items from my mother's family, which my siblings had passed up and apparently thought it was fine for near strangers to own,  such as a sculpted horse with the initials of my great grandfather on it.!?!?  The first thing I threw my body over!!

 Fast forward about five days, and I had been very clear with my sibs, a few of which did not participate in the trip at all, that I was very distressed and disturbed by this episode,   And I was going to ask these "friends" for some items to be returned, such as holiday  dishes from my childhood.

 No one would go to bat for me, but after some emails, there was a call in which Nsis  gave a "faux pology"  which you think I would recognize after 20 years with a narcissist !!!

 Well I thought she was sincere, and yesterday I took photos of family heirlooms and a few pieces of furniture which the interlopers admitted they had  (Haha  although much of it had changed hands since the emails in which they "claimed it").  Even a giant bin of my childhood record albums had been swapped between  various grandchildren of my mother's so-called "friend".  It was sickening.

 However I felt heartened that the executrix had on a call said sure go ahead and ask for some things. I did, and stupidly copied her, and a flaming hot email came back to me  WITH  this distant friend copied, telling me "Sunny, you have no right to ask for these things, I gave them to  Frenemy!!"

WTH?!?!  I then sent executrix multiple scanned photos from 40 to 50 years ago with me as a baby in my parents bedroom,  eating Christmas dinner off of a tablecloth that my sister gave away, and standing in front of a glass case filled with valuables which also left the house before I arrived.

 She texted me back that I was not entitled to any of these things and they were gone but she would send me the furniture she had taken!!!  Yes, I laughed when I read that too, she doesn't deserve it but neither do I. I had asked for two inexpensive items and she had nine pieces of walnut furniture and a multi thousand dollar, 90 year old carpet from 2 generations ago that has been in 4 states.

 So, I am happy to report, I have found an attorney who sounds excellent. I will start by having him write letters to her and the "friends".  I cannot go into detail, but there were some documents she signed on behalf of my surviving parent, who has dementia.   In fact, I stand to inherit nothing at this time, I am going to pay the attorney out of my salary to bring this process to a screeching halt.   Meanwhile, I have blocked her and all siblings from text and email and it feels so good.

Over the last week I was set up multiple times to be insulted and have the rug pulled out from under me.  You know the drill, calling one sympathetic person, and that one calling the N,  the N  calling you or emailing you with outrageous edicts... Sigh...

 So many lessons here, such as the living proof that my F Who I cared for medically and in a family sense, supporting him and my mother with dementia at every turn, taking them on vacation, etc. etc.also had narc tendencies. He set this charade up by choosing sister without a conscience as  executrix for my disabled mother. What he didn't count on is that I care more about my mother, who has advanced dementia, then a single one of these pack animals.  They have not only be gone to ransacked the estate for themselves, but given away thousands of dollars in valuable items with no benefit to my mother's estate. Not to mention she would be horrified if she knew her best friends grand daughter was sleeping in her  bedroom set which she received as a wedding gift 52 years ago, rather than her own granddaughter here in my home.

 Wish me luck!!

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guitarman

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2016, 11:45:38 AM »
Good luck Sunny.

What a terrible, upsetting and unjust time you've had.

Best wishes.

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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daughter

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #2 on: April 21, 2016, 10:39:34 AM »
"Ransacking the house" seems to be a common experience, for those with pd-disordered siblings, where pd-sib rigidly controls the distribution, of "stuff", enforces self-proclaimed "dibs" on stuff, and seems to deliberately exclude siblings from both selection process and fair choices.  I think it's a combination of "extreme neediness", to be able to grab more "free stuff", and an underlying childhood sibling rivalry, to ensure "top dog" positioning over the targeted sibling(s).   

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HotCocoa

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2016, 08:06:33 AM »
Sunny -   :aaauuugh:
I wanted to say I'm so sorry.  What happened was awful and I believe against the law.  Do you know who took this stuff?  Do you have any pictures of what happened?  I would think you would be in your right to go to the police and report this as theft. 
As far as a distant "friend" telling you you have no rights to anything?  She has no business in ANY of this and I would cut her off and let your attorney handle ALL matters. 
GOOD FOR YOUR for hiring an attorney!  You DO have rights here, you DO get a say here and what happened was not only flat out WRONG, it was disturbing on many different levels.  Thinking of you.   :bighug:
The smarter you become about narcissistic abuse, the crazier the narcissist will say you are.

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Sunny

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #4 on: April 22, 2016, 07:39:23 PM »
 You are all amazing and supportive.  I have thought about going to the police, but after numerous emails with the ex friends, it seems they have  distributed things amongst themselves and given lots of it away. I am paying to ship a few items back to my home on the West Coast and will charge the estate. 

  In addition, my lawyer said that my sister is fiscally liable. So if it's just to get the money to re-purchase things, it would be best to direct that at her, as the  others have dissipated my parents beautiful things. Getting them back is probably nearly impossible even tho it's been less than 2 weeks.

 To add insult to injury, the ex friend who is "allowing" me to pay to ship my father's dresser and mothers glass case to my house 3000 miles away, told me that her mother who supervised the looting has been invited by  N sis  for a weekend of fun activities with her boys !!!! W. T. H.   Not sure what they are using one another for, but that is totally messed up.

If there is one thing I have learned through OOTF and divorcing my husband who has N and OCDP,  it is that your lawyer is on your side. They work for you. For not a great amount of money, so far in my divorce case, I have gained a tremendous amount of power and information.   Yes, narc H is dragging things out and planting landmines, but I feel so much more in control with a good lawyer.

 Kudos to all of you for surviving the PD family members, I can't believe I have posted now in three out of five sections relating to family members!!!! :stars:

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Trust-no-one

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2016, 01:00:56 AM »
You're darn skippy, you have rights, and that your sister is liable as an "executrix."  Save every goddarned  email, text, receipt, and hand gesture in a folder labeled, "I'll get them for this," and go after them and don't back down. 

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Sunny

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #6 on: April 25, 2016, 05:44:42 AM »
Thanks Trust-no-one!!! I will do that. Need to print them out and start a file.

Attorney is on speed-dial, and I have contacted a shipping company. Sigh. What a HUGE distraction from my dear mom and her needs, and the animosity created is unreal. Just no reason for it.

Hugs everyone and thank you all for commenting!!  :)

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MaggieMayCat

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #7 on: April 26, 2016, 06:15:55 PM »
Sending lots of hugs your way...

Your sister is indeed liable... depending on where you live, fiduciary fraud/mismanagement can result in being removed. 

Found this little exerpt while doing some of my own research:

Fraud, mismanagement of breach of fiduciary duty

Trustees and personal representatives have fiduciary duties which include acting with the highest integrity, fully disclosing information to the beneficiaries, completing reporting duties appropriately, dealing with all beneficiaries equally and fairly, and putting beneficiaries' interests above their own.

Breach of fiduciary duty may involve:

    Failure to disclose assets: Intentionally hiding assets, failing to document assets on inventory or annual accounting, or making disbursements to yourself before disclosing the assets to beneficiaries.

    Failure to properly complete accounting, which includes the starting figures (inventory and appraisals), costs and balances, and final account of how assets were disbursed.

    Failure to act in the best interest of beneficiaries: Failure to carefully evaluate debts to ensure their validity before disbursing payment, failing to obtain full fair market value for property sold, using poor business judgment or having a conflict of interest

    Failure to properly distribute assets: Stealing assets ( fraud), failing to distribute according to the terms of the trust or will or the intestate succession laws, failing to obtain proof that assets were actually distributed

I would file a police report if for nothing else supportive documentation.   This may be the wake-up call these folks need.

As a beneficiary, you have rights to a proper accounting of the estate... and the supporting documents.

Check with your state Attorneys General or their website to see what responsibilities must be fulfilled by the Executor/trix and what rights you have as a beneficiary of the estate.   

Good for you for retaining an attorney - make sure all communication regarding the estate goes through them - adds a layer of protection for you.

I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear. 

Leonard- "You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar."
Sheldon-  "You can catch even MORE flies with manure.  What's your point?"        ......from The Big Bang Theory

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Bloomie

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #8 on: April 28, 2016, 12:04:19 PM »
Sunny - My thinking here is if your mother is still living everything belongs to her and should be used for funding her care. Having experienced the "looting" of the family home after my parent's death by sibs and sibsinlaw, I can relate to how truly sickening this kind of behavior is. I am thankful you are taking legal action to hold your sister accountable for her actions. I'm really sorry this is happening. :hug:

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Sunny

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #9 on: April 29, 2016, 03:54:05 AM »
Thank you Bloomie and MaggieMayCat!! The information is so valuable and appreciated :bighug: such great support!!

Yes attorney has mentioned doing all of those things. He was appalled. More crazy stuff going down tomorrow with cousins who co-own land with us and a 10-way conference call. Ugh!!

May have to start a new thread, whole WHOLE new level of awful!! Best, Sunny :stars :aaauuugh:

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Salsera

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #10 on: April 29, 2016, 08:04:30 PM »
Sunny, did you call your parent's homeowners insurance company? Maybe you should tell them the entire story, see what they say, and let them go after the "thieves" to get the estate property back. Let them decide if it was truly "stolen" and go after you sicko sis. And, maybe it is not too late to file a police report as well.

Why not ask your attorney what he thinks? Maybe you need an estate attorney as well?
"Faith is taking the first step even when you donít see the whole staircase." - Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

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AncientSoul

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #11 on: May 14, 2016, 02:00:54 PM »
It actually physically hurts to read what you wrote about your experience with what happened with your parents things. I can understand. I've watched this happen with my family several times. The first time was with my aunt, from who I purchased my house and property. She had no kids and only her four nieces and nephews, of which I was one. My aunt wanted to sell the original family farm that my grandparents built. She offered it to the oldest first, my cousin, my brother, my sister. My aunt told me to my face that they didn't want to "buy" the farm, but said if she would give it to them, they would take it. My aunt offered it to me, I agreed to pay the market value and my mother and my aunt wrote up the contract and I bought the place. At the signing of the contract, my aunt signed a fulfillment of contract for the place and handed it to my Mom. Then she told me that she wanted me protected and to not ever worry about paying after she died. Sadly, my aunt died six months later, and my cousin, brother and sister came an started taking everything. It was sickening. Despite what my aunt did, I paid the contract to my cousin and sister. My brother also had that same deal, and he and I forgave each others payments. So that was nice. I can't think of anything that I got of my aunts things. But I bought out my brother's share of the place after his wife died. He wanted the money and not the property.

Same when my Dad died. My mother was sick, and my sister and her husband and kids came right into my mother's house and started going through my Mom and Dad's stuff. My mother was in shock and told them to stop. My sister just said, "We don't have time and this needs to be done." I told my sister to stop, she ignored me. My mother told them to stop and said she would call the sheriff if she had to. My Narcissist sister would not stop and who knows what she took from my mother's house, right under my mother's nose. It was awful and my mother later made me promise that I would never let my sister go through her things after she died. My mother lived another 26 years after that ordeal.

When both uncles died, it was the same thing. They didn't have much, but my cousin, brother and sister took everything. I took care of those uncles and they lived in little cabins on the farm. No one took notice of them until they died. Then their things were taken.

My brother had a stroke, became totally disabled. My sister and her kids came right in to "help". Despite my brother actually telling her to leave, my sister would not. My mother told my sister to leave, my sister ignored my mother. The sheriff was called, they wouldn't do anything. My sister ended up with all my brother's property and possessions.

I had been caregiver for twenty years, as no one else would help until something was to be gained. Gave up my job, my retirement, my social life and investments to help. I was with my mother most every day, 24/7 until the doctor's told me that if I didn't take care of myself, I may die. So I sold property that I had, used the money to pay for nursing care for my mother, paid off all her bills and my sister and kids were right there smelling money. I didn't tell them what I had done in selling some of my property. Both my mother and brother said not to loan money to my sister or her kids. I was stupid and did loan them money. I thought people could change.

My mother had a heart problem, ended up in the hospital, then rehab to get better so she could go back home. My sister or her kids never visited her in rehab, though two of the kids did visit at the hospital one day. I was with her every day, traveling back and forth from my home to the rehab facility. I had tried to give blood at the blood bank, and they wanted to put me into the ER at the hospital. They told me that if I didn't take care of myself, I could die at any minute. The doc's there wrote up the paperwork explaining why. I went to see my Mom instead. She could see something was wrong. I went home, came back the next morning and my Mom had suffered a heart attack. She went to the ER, I made calls, and my oldest nephew showed up right before my mother died. My Mom fought hard to stay alive, and what she said will always be with me. She told me that she couldn't leave yet, because I needed her to fight my sister. My Mom was nearly 93 and nearly everyone loved and respected her, except for my sister, who called my mother "The Evil Witch". I had very nice parents and was lucky they were also my friends.

I had to rest after my Mom died, so I stayed in town at my girlfriends house. (I never told my sister I had a girlfriend, because in the past, my sister would cause problems.) When I got back home, I went up to my mother's house. It had already been gone through. I was executor of her estate, so I went to talk to my sister. It turned out she and her kids had been in my mother's house. I told my sister that it was wrong to do that, as I am responsible as executor. My sister's answer? She looked at me with a mean look and yelled at me, "You killed MOM!". My brother heard that and yelled "NO WAY, NO WAY" and he was very mad. He cannot talk because of his stroke, but can say some words.

It has been a nightmare ever since. The doctor's told me that I need to be no contact for my own survival. That's what I did. I had to make a choice, my own life or no life. My sister and her kids took most everything, and she even tries to take my property, telling me that it is her children's "Legacy". I have no kids or ex wives. I was caregiver for so many years. Who would want me?

The lawyer knew my sister and also my mother. He told me straight up that if he had to deal with my sister, it would really cost me.

I wrote Dr. Phil a year ago. I followed up a few days ago. My sister tells me that no one owes me anything. I paid all the expenses, funeral expenses, bills, taxes, and everything else without any help from my sister or brother. (They have incredible incomes from retirements.)

Worst thing that I witnessed was when I showed up with my girlfriend and introduced her to my sister the day after I confronted my sister about going into my mother's house and taking things. My sister's eyes went wide open, her mouth dropped when she saw my girlfriend. (My sister always told me that no one would want me because I am worthless and terrible.) I had also told my Mom about my girlfriend, and my Mother, girlfriend and myself would go out to lunch on occasion. My girlfriend also took off work to sit with my mother in the hospital. But the worst thing I saw was my brother sitting alone in his bedroom in his wheelchair. He usually had my sister's dog with him to keep him company. It was a big old dog, really nice too but blind in one eye. The dog wasn't anywhere to be seen. I asked my sister, and she told me, "Oh, the kids came over, and we put the dog down yesterday. He was old, it was time." So my brother had just lost his mother, and then the dog that showed him love. That was horrible to witness and to hear. My girlfriend finally dumped me three years ago. I was too sick and she didn't want to deal with my sister.

I read what you wrote, and I myself am searching for an answer. I own a whole lot of property with my sister, and she wants it all for her kids. No one pays me back, none of her kids visit me. I told each of them why I have no contact with my sister. I even told my sister that doctors told me to have no contact with her because she is nuts. My sister told her kids that I don't want any visitors and I don't want to see anyone. That's not what I said. I told each of them that I cannot be around their mother for my own health and safety. It was all twisted by my sister, and they listen to her.

I have my mother's eyeglasses, wedding ring and the clothes she was wearing when she died. And memories. The advice I'm getting from people is to sell and move away and live my own life. Now that I'm in better shape, what to do?

Thanks for listening to my rant. I'm learning a lot here. Other people have similar incidents, but they probably don't write as much as I do.

AncientSoul

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hhaw

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #12 on: May 14, 2016, 02:28:21 PM »
Sunny, you're doing what you can, and that has to be enough.

Good luck,
hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
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Sunny

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2016, 06:11:48 PM »
Many hugs AncientSoul, and Salsera and hhaw thank you as well. The support is invaluable.

I am flying back west after picking up 3 suitcases full of looted items that my mother's "friends" voluntarily returned and "invited" me to have another look at. The biggest irony of all...many of these things were religious icons!! I had to have a tiny smile at the audacity of stealing a dead person's meaningful religious art and so on from their children. UGH.

My attorney is in place, haven't had to introduce him yet but I feel so much better that he can "translate" legalese for me.

I need him most of all though, because on top of this I have filed for a restraining order on the home front. That is about to hit the fan so I will have to trust the lawyer and my one nearly normal sis to keep an eye on things while I work through the rest of my divorce, in much-anticipated safety. Hugs you all and so very sorry if you can relate!! AncientSoul you deserve a mich better reply and I hope to do so in the near future but hang in there. You mean a lot to some people who have love and loved you much. Be well, Sunny   

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AncientSoul

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #14 on: May 17, 2016, 10:20:45 AM »
I have to apologize for writing as much as I did. I read what you posted and it hit home. I started writing a response in your support and all of that just came out.

Here is to hoping that you find some resolution to what you're dealing with. You deserve better.

AncientSoul
AncientSoul

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Sunny

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Re: Wow a whole new level of awful
« Reply #15 on: May 17, 2016, 10:18:24 PM »
No apology needed!! It is so good to let these bottled up feelings out to others who will understand and relate!! Cheers, Sunny