UK Dads

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Crushed_Dad

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Re: UK Dads
« Reply #60 on: December 17, 2019, 11:30:58 AM »
No idea   what the future holds at the moment Finding. Just taking each day as it comes and trying to get through a busy period at work successfully and doing the right thing by the kids.

I tried to explain a text exchange between my wife and I to my father last night, and he blew up at me too. Spent all night in his spare room staring at the ceiling until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I don't even cry, I'm too lost and empty for that now. Just don't see a way of things getting better short of a lottery win.

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Findingmyvoice

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Re: UK Dads
« Reply #61 on: December 18, 2019, 05:57:19 PM »
Crushed,
Your dad probably feels frustrated and helpless just like you do.
My parents felt this way too until I made the decision to leave for good.

I think it's normal for this to come out in either anger or sadness.
I saw this from both of my parents, anger and frustration from my dad and sadness from my mom.

Things will get better, you can make it happen.
You don't need the lottery.

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Crushed_Dad

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Re: UK Dads
« Reply #62 on: December 18, 2019, 06:32:18 PM »
We spoke the following day, it was as described but with the added complication of some health issues heís experiencing that I didnít know the full scale of,m. Weíve been speaking regularly since and Iíve also told my brother the situation in a little more detail so I hope he understands. I guess itís the same with a lot of families in this situation, they just donít understand how someone can destroy something thatís so good for them and their family and make such a mess of it in the process. It makes no sense even to me....

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Findingmyvoice

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Re: UK Dads
« Reply #63 on: December 19, 2019, 03:19:04 PM »
Crushed,
You talk about "destroying" and "making a mess".
What exactly do you mean?

I assume you are talking about the fact that you have decided you can't live with your spouse any longer.
I would encourage you to think about this differently if this is what you are talking about.
You are making a choice, you obviously have reasons for making this choice.
Number 1.  Write down your reasons, figure out your priorities.
Hopefully this will change the way you think about your decision.

From the things you have written I have heard that you are doing this for the good of your kids.
it may also be that you need to make a change.  Change may seem like "destruction" but that's just one way of looking at it.
If you grow and improve from this change then the "destruction" of your relationship is worth it.

I encourage you to think of this as change and growth for yourself and doing a positive thing for your kids.
Kids do not benefit in any way from being in the middle of an unhealthy relationship.  They can have a comfortable home, lots of toys, activities, vacations, etc but if their daily life is full of fighting and unrest they will be miserable.


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Crushed_Dad

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Re: UK Dads
« Reply #64 on: December 19, 2019, 03:37:16 PM »
Itís my belief that she will will drag this through the courts and make it all as difficult as possible expecting me to foot the bill. Given that sheís only allowing me to see kids for 3 hrs on Xmas day and has thrown some of her usual venom at me over text.

What she doesnít realise (or does, but simply cannot handle the perceived betrayal, injustice or abandonment) is that by making it impossible for me to pay for things means I risk bankruptcy. If I go bankrupt I lose my job as I work in the financial services. As outlined previously if that happens we will lose a huge percentage of income, we will then likely lose the house and as sheís on the mortgage we both go bankrupt too. The result of all that on the kids and all our lives doesnít warrant an explanation. I just hope that sense will kick in before all that happens but itís a very real threat....

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Findingmyvoice

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Re: UK Dads
« Reply #65 on: December 20, 2019, 01:13:40 PM »
Crushed,

I challenge you to look at and evaluate your choices.  Once you make a choice, own it.
You are in a bad situation, that is true.  She can't "force" you to do anything.
You can choose to live with the status quo or you can choose to fight to get what you deserve.
If that means going through the courts, then you can choose to do that.

You deserve to see your kids.  You deserve to be financially stable.
The house may have to be sold.  This is a fact of what happens when people get separated and divorced.
Not many people can afford to keep the same standard of living as they did when they were married.
You are not made of money.  She might fight it, you may have to get a court order saying that the home must be sold, you may have to dish out rent so that she can get a place.
She may have to get a job, she may have to move in with friends or family (as you have done).

Right now she probably thinks she is entitled to the home, but in reality it belongs to both of you.
There are many ways of going about this, and it takes time, but in the long run you can't continue like this forever and you are not expected to.


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Stepping lightly

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Re: UK Dads
« Reply #66 on: December 20, 2019, 03:19:18 PM »
Hi Crushed,

Having gone through quite a bit with my DH and his PD ex, I can say with certainty that people really won't understand a lot of what you will go through.  Unless someone has personally dealt with a PD, it is really hard for them to understand actions/consequences of those actions.  My family, DH's family- they all know   that BM is a PD and has some serious issue, but they still struggle with understanding some of the decisions we have to make.  But that doesn't make the decisions wrong or destructive.

You can't control how your wife will react to your decisions.  It is really, really difficult to not make decisions based on how they will react- but that's not always the best path forward to manage their behavior with your decisions.  We had a therapist tell us to document the decisions we make and why we make them.  In the moment of making the decision, you will have a very good reason for it (that you won't remember later).  This will help with sanity as well as any accusations in court regarding these decisions.  Like Findingmyvoice said- these may be tough times, but they won't always be this tough.  Another therapist told us "when you find yourself walking in hell, keep walking"- I'm sure I don't need to tell a UK Dad who said that- but it applies to clearly in this situation.

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Crushed_Dad

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Re: UK Dads
« Reply #67 on: December 21, 2019, 09:22:39 AM »
Crushed,

I challenge you to look at and evaluate your choices.  Once you make a choice, own it.
You are in a bad situation, that is true.  She can't "force" you to do anything.
You can choose to live with the status quo or you can choose to fight to get what you deserve.
If that means going through the courts, then you can choose to do that.

You deserve to see your kids.  You deserve to be financially stable.
The house may have to be sold.  This is a fact of what happens when people get separated and divorced.
Not many people can afford to keep the same standard of living as they did when they were married.
You are not made of money.  She might fight it, you may have to get a court order saying that the home must be sold, you may have to dish out rent so that she can get a place.
She may have to get a job, she may have to move in with friends or family (as you have done).

Right now she probably thinks she is entitled to the home, but in reality it belongs to both of you.
There are many ways of going about this, and it takes time, but in the long run you can't continue like this forever and you are not expected to.

Sorry finding but in Blighty the kids need a home til theyíre at least 16 and that place is as cheap as it gets for a ten mile radius.

My dad did say the courts canít make you pay what you donít have which is true I guess but given my experience Iím a pessimist. I donít look at positives as none have really happened for as long as I remember

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Crushed_Dad

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Re: UK Dads
« Reply #68 on: January 10, 2020, 04:13:05 AM »
Finding/all as youíre likely aware from other posts the decision was made for me. The one good thing about dealing with a PD. some things are simply unforgivable.

Now weíre starting off on what I think will be a long, arduous path but one where I have to do whatís right.

I no longer mourn the relationship, not sure I ever really did. It was what the future held either way that had me antagonising. Now I just want to get strong, carry on and get this all done as quickly as possible