UK Dads

  • 44 Replies
  • 5118 Views
*

Crushed_Dad

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 97
Re: UK Dads
« Reply #40 on: March 28, 2019, 06:18:38 AM »
Don't get me wrong we do a lot, but all of it is policed by her, there's no way I could possibly take them out for more than an hour without her being present and the only reason she's present is to criticise.

We go on walks, bike rides, play football out the front of the house, go football training, go to the cinema, do his homework (when time allows), play hide and seek etc. Last week I took them to a farm-play park. Trust me they're not left wanting for time spent with us but as said all under the watchful eye.

My father has just bought a kayak and I'm hoping we can go out on it over the summer, she's already registered her disdain but hoping when my lad sees it he'll be so excited she wont be able to say no.

 My lad is 6 and my little girl almost 4.5 and she's still not spent a night under a different roof to them. She control everything and wonders why I'm dis-interested. Even football practice has been taken away from me .

We will split one day, we're both resigned to that fact and in full acceptance but for reasons already noted keep charade going. As soon as we split and I have time with my kids without her presence they'll be a significant shift I would think.

*

11JB68

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 781
Re: UK Dads
« Reply #41 on: March 29, 2019, 12:10:30 AM »
One problem I've had with uPDh is that he gets extremely jealous of any time I spend alone with ds.

*

Findingmyvoice

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 350
Re: UK Dads
« Reply #42 on: March 29, 2019, 11:39:07 PM »

It's great that you are spending time with them!
I had the same problem with exBPDw having to control things.
If activities were not approved by her or not going her way she would get very difficult, make excuses, imagine catastrophes that could happen, get blamey, hold back, argue, etc.
When I started talking to the kids more at bed time she would make excuses as to why I shouldn't, she would come up with other things I had to do immediately, she would change bed time for the kids,  start cutting me down in front of the kids, etc.

So all that to say, it's a common struggle.

On the other hand, parenting decisions should have equal input.  No one parent makes unilateral decisions.
Your spouse should not be making it difficult for you to do things with your kids.
If it's that lopsided for either parent,
I often heard "I decide because I'm their mother" "Mother always knows what is best".

I know it's hard to pull out of the dynamic that you have with your wife, but can you just say flat out "It seems like you don't trust me with our children" or "Why won't you not let me do things with my own children? What is your concern?" or "
With personality disorders there is a massive insecurity driving their actions.
Perhaps getting her to voice her concern or insecurity then validating it may change her tune?
There is a possibility she will come up with something  completely absurd that makes no sense at all (trust me I have heard almost every one out there).  Read a little bit on personality disorders and all of the books have the same approach if you truly want to get along with her.  Validation.

"I understand you think rabid mutant alligators will submerge our kayak and devour us whole.  That sounds very frightening.  Is there anything I can do to make you feel better about our kayaking trip?  I will take all the safety precautions that I feel are necessary."

You can expect push back, but then you need to put up a boundary.
Don't argue, defend or engage in other shenanigans.

"No, I will not be cancelling my trip with our son but I will call you when we are done so that you do not worry"
If's she's anything like my ex, she will twist and turn like she's being exorcised when you say the word "no".

*

Crushed_Dad

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 97
Re: UK Dads
« Reply #43 on: April 01, 2019, 05:51:54 AM »
I do understand Finding, I really do but the simple thing is I really can be bothered and don't have the required will/energy. I have very little time left in my life outside work that I don't see the point worrying about how I should conduct my every last step away from it. I'm an adult and I treat people how I expect to be treated, and if others make it too difficult, or make my life unhappy, I simply don't entertain them and can't be bothered with her. As such, I try and make the most of my time with the kids as I get it, but it's not what I'd like whilst under her governance.

I'm certain she is hell bent on sabotaging every single thing about my life and relationships with others, yet still says she wants me to be happy!!?? She has no realisation that it's her behaviour that makes me miserable, our life and lack of anything interaction as a family unit with other people outside family or people she likes. She then goes around to her mother and friends getting all the "enablement" she doesn't get from me and the validation of her one-sided BS that she'll spout about me. She will reject this though on things I've said or done though, usually in reaction to unreasonable behaviour in the first instance.

I've asked her frequently why she rejects or has to argue with everything I suggest or do, her answer?

"I don't do that"

In the end I just laugh at the absurdity of it all and walk away.

*

Crushed_Dad

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 97
Re: UK Dads
« Reply #44 on: April 02, 2019, 05:49:59 AM »
there's a lot f interesting comments at the end of the article below....

I would imagine there's a large number of people in a similar situation as us on here with it going largely unreported....

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/life/ditching-marriage-might-biggest-mistakegeneration-z-makes/#comments