Is what is happening to me a form of elder abuse?

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AncientSoul

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Is what is happening to me a form of elder abuse?
« on: April 21, 2016, 03:18:31 PM »
I have thought this, but haven't completely faced it, but if I have no income because I became a caregiver for my mother and have been selling off my assets to pay bills for years, including cashing out my retirement. I will be 62 years old soon, and the main players are my only relatives left. My older sister and her four children. I do have a brother who is 12 years older than me, and he is a totally disabled stroke victim. My sister moved right into his house and has taken everything he had. I helped with my brother's care for many years. He started refusing my help, because he was worried about my health.

My mother was very concerned about my sister, and took steps to protect herself and me with her attorneys. I'm altruistic, and my mother always told me that my sister was a Narcissist personality and could not be trusted.

My mother died in 2010 and the day before she died, my blood pressure was so high that doctor's wanted me to go to the ER and hospital. I feel guilty, because my mother saw I was ill and became worried. She herself was in a rehab facility because of her heart. She had a massive heart attack the next day and died. Some of her last words were how she couldn't leave yet, because I needed her to fight my sister and her kids. She was nearly 93 and a very, very nice lady. My own health was worse than I thought, and it took me years to get my health back.

I was executor to my mother's estate. The day after my Mom died, my sister and her kids went into my mother's house and took many things. They did not have my permission and I was not informed. The attorney, who was also my Mom's friend, told me that my sister and her kids broke the law, and I could file charges. I didn't, I confronted my sister and asked her why they did what they did. The result was my sister blamed me and yelled at me that I killed my mother.

Under advise of medical professionals. I went No Contact with my sister. They said it was for my own health and safety.

Over the years, and out of my assets that I had to sell, I loaned my sister and her kids lots of money. My Mom and brother always told me not to do that. My sister has two big pensions and her social security, plus my brother's pension and social security, and she's paid no rent since 2001. During that time, my sister was the only one with access to my mother's credit cards. Before my Mom died, I paid them all off. That was nearly $40,000.

I bought my house from my aunt years ago at fair market value. I also bought out my brother's share of an adjoining farm after his wife died. That property has two rental houses on it. I bought them when I had my good job. My sister has never bought any of the property. She was given a quarter share of our aunts farm, she figured out how to take my brother's house and property, and she inherited half my mother's properties. (My mother wanted me to sell them before she died, I didn't.)

I paid off all the legal bills for my mother's estate, I paid for all funeral costs, covered all remaining bills as the estate was solvent and I was to get paid back my expenses. But I myself was also very ill at the time. My sister had run up bills for "repairs" to the rental properties, I paid them. During my caregiver time, I also was handyman so my sister didn't have to hire anyone. I fixed most everything, and actually paid for most of the repairs. But I did a dumb thing and trusted my sister. Something came up, and I put my sister's name on my mother's property before I got reimbursed for my expenses. I was stupid, but I was also very ill and once again trusted my sister.

My sister moved her kids into the big rental house three years ago. I have not received any rental money from that place since 2009. I get billed for even the electricity and everything else with my nieces and nephews living in the property. Like I said, I've been sick with no income.

I eventually ran out of money, sucked it up and went to talk to my sister last August to ask when I would be paid back. She had also tried to get me to put her kids names on my own house and property. My sister got mad, attacked me, said that no one owes me anything, that I should be better with my money, she said that she is happy for where she is at financially, and that I am jealous of her. Then she finished it off with yelling at me that I killed my mother. I cannot describe the feeling I had.

During the care giving times, my sister would badger my brother, threaten him, be abusive and bully. I would try to stop her. She would threaten me too, saying she knew best. She was high up in Social Services. I dissociated her behavior, as I learned later that she groomed me to think that way since I was a child. She's after all eleven years older than me.

Since my mother died in 2010, my nieces and nephews have only visited me once each. Then it was to ask me for something. They live right across the road. I was very sick, had no help other than friends who would check on me, and I had no health insurance until recently. I paid out of pocket since 1999.

A few days ago, I saw my sister leave and my oldest niece working in the yard, so I went over to talk to my niece. She seemed startled. I asked her why none of them have visited me for all these years. I had told them in 2010 that I was advised to not have contact with their mother (My sister). It became a nightmare right then and there. My niece said that they didn't see me because I didn't want any visitors. She told me that I wished to be left alone because I was sick. I asked about why I haven't received any rental money since 2009, and stated that I was "No Contact" with their mother and not with anyone else. In a nutshell, my niece blamed me for everything.

I have never asked any of them for anything, other than being paid back. My niece told me that any doctor or therapist who told me to have no contact with their mother was worthless. My niece said I should talk to my sister, let her "help me", that her mother never lies and is always truthful. It sounded like my sister talking.

My sister has always displayed the characteristics of what can be best described and Malignant Narcissism. She had no conscience, seems to enjoy other people's pain, she lies continuously, and never ever pays anyone back any money she's taken.

My niece also made a comment that is confusing. My niece said she has heard those things about her mother from everyone on her Dad's side of the family, and everyone on her mother's side of the family. But she said her mother is a wonderful, kind and caring person who never lies.

My niece basically acted just like my sister. She denied everything, then she attacked me, she reversed everything upon me and became the victim while making me the offender. My head was spinning and I went back home. That was the second time I've talked to my niece since my mother's funeral in 2010, and she's been living for free in a house that I own half of.

Is this elder abuse? Or am I just stupid. In the past when I have spoken to my sister, she belittles me, blames me, calls me a typical worthless and no good man of the family. Then in August my sister told me to my face that she has it on good authority that I am the biggest drunk around. Fact is, I rarely if ever drink and every one of the people I know will say that. I asked my niece about that, the niece that tells me her mother never lies, and my niece said, "You can't believe that from Mommy, you just have to call her on it."

I'm stumped at what to do. My sister is after all that I have, and has told me as much. My sister has threatened me, stolen from me, takes every opportunity to make me or my parents look bad. My parents were really nice people. Any answer?



AncientSoul

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kiwihelen

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Re: Is what is happening to me a form of elder abuse?
« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2016, 10:26:16 PM »
Time to speak to a lawyer and find out how to evict non paying tenants and get a protection order, to avoid harassment.
Think actions not words. What do you see them doing?
Think also how this will continue if nothing changes

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Sunny

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Re: Is what is happening to me a form of elder abuse?
« Reply #2 on: April 25, 2016, 05:57:39 AM »
Hello AncientSoul!! I read every word of your post and it really resonates with me after going through weeks of push-pull behavior from my uNsis, who sadly was made "Executrix" (her name!) and Trustee for my dad's estate. He passed away and all is going to my mom, and again, my dad's will names Nsis as Trustee for my mom. My poor mom has dementia and partial paralysis from a stroke.

I totally get it, my parents were (for the most part) very good people (although dad had the old N tendencies). I have come to the conclusion that my Nsis is NOT a nice person and I will only deal with her under controlled circumstances.

Also I agree with KiwiHelen, at the very least, consult a lawyer. You don't need to retain them immediately, and most will talk with you for free for 30 mins or more. You can tell a LOT in that amount of time.

You deserve to be financially secure and made whole as much as possible. Honestly I don't think of 62 as all that old :) so I'm not sure if it's elder abuse, but it sounds like abusive behavior none the less. Also it might be best not to engage ANY family members of your sister, they are defending her bad behavior.

You did NOT deserve to be treated like this, paying all their bills, and allowing them to live for free.  In addition to knowing your legal rights, you might benefit from reading about Boundaries on this site and elsewhere.

I am somewhat new to them as well, but basically you decide how YOU want to be treated, and you tell the other party (if you must have contact at all), and inform them of the consequences if they violate your boundaries.  For example, if you talk with Nsis on the phone, tell her that if she raises her voice or even MENTIONS how your dear mother who you loved and cared for passed away, you will hang up the phone.

That is a classic scare tactic, diverting the conversation into such devastating territory as your mom's passing. You did nothing to bring on a medical crisis like a heart attack, particularly if she is 93. Your mom  clearly loved you and cared greatly about your well-being, and it sounds like she would approve of you taking measures to protect yourself and limit the damage from Nsis.

Kudos to you to being a kind and generous person. Sometimes others take advantage, and you have no need to blame yourself. This sister does not deserve your good nature and generosity in my opinion, but of course you will come to your own conclusions.

Just know I am rooting for you to regain the peace and security you have earned through many years of caring for others. That is to be commended. Hugs, Sunny

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AncientSoul

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Re: Is what is happening to me a form of elder abuse?
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2016, 11:41:42 PM »
Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. The attorney for my Mom's estate knew of my sister and her actions. I asked him to deal with her, and his answer to me was, "It will cost you." I understood what that meant. My Mom owned two separate large pieces of property, both with older houses. One had a small mortgage on it. My sister wrote the attorney a letter stating that she didn't care which property she got, but that she wanted me to have the mortgage. Remember, my sister hasn't had to pay rent since 2001 and her income alone, (not including my brother's pensions which she uses), is around $9700 a month. My sister also proudly says that she is not greedy, but ever since I remember, she always asks how much was paid or how much something costs. As a kid, I quit asking for anything when I was around ten years old. I got tired of being called spoiled by my sister if I got anything.

I am doing my best to figure this out. I have no one but myself now to look after. I realize that lawyers may well have to be involved. I understand that I could be blamed for everything. I'm so used to things being turned around on me, I have to learn to recognize it. Having gone No contact with my sister makes a difference. But I'm still always on guard for anything to happen.

Telling about it does help. It is difficult to always be blamed. My mother and father did what they could with my sister, but they were frustrated.

Also my family is long lived. I would love to go back to work in a paying job. I'm healthy enough now, and my physical injuries are healed. But all that I have lost through the years, never getting a helping dime from the Veterans Administration for either my Mom or Dads care, so I made up what was needed out of my own pocket. They both did this country a great service. I got the runaround with dealing with the Veterans Administration. I suppose a lot of people have.

One thing I have learned, is how much of a sacrifice it is to give up so much to care for sick relatives. (I would do it again in a heartbeat) But I also learned that people like my sister are opportunists. They take all they can get.

Thanks for responding and listening. There is so much that happened because of my sister. It is like a huge nightmare.
AncientSoul

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JollyJazz

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Re: Is what is happening to me a form of elder abuse?
« Reply #4 on: April 26, 2016, 08:03:30 AM »
Sorry to hear that Ancient Soul.
Good on you for taking steps to stand up to your sister! They are definitely abusing you :(
So glad to hear that you are feeling better!
Fingers crossed for your next steps. Hugs!!!
 :bighug: :bighug:

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Rusby

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Re: Is what is happening to me a form of elder abuse?
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2016, 11:20:07 PM »
Dear Ancient Soul,
Since my mother died, I have watched my Nsis work my dad over until one day, my Dad mailed me a hand written financial statement.  He had financed a house for my Nsis's daughter, loaned thousands to Nsis' husband and given Nsis his car plus thousands of dollars.  He was 81 at the time.   :sadno: Whenever he tried to collect on loans or rent, with Nsis it was drama, drama...and her daughter defends  her and acts the same way.  My father  (who has no pension by the way) reached out to his lawyer, doctor and to me.  My father is advancing in his 80's, remarried  and lives far away from Nsis.  Please, please keep reaching out to sane people, distance yourself from these insane relatives, and peace will be down the road for you.  Everything will be just fine in time.  If you are like me you are too nice.  But enough already!!! Take back your life!!!