Husband's manager

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almostthere

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Husband's manager
« on: April 21, 2016, 04:16:58 PM »
My husband comes home nightly with horrific stories about his manager.  The chaos at work is affecting his physical and mental health.  There is a theme that I am noticing--his manager is displaying N behaviors and thought processes.  When my husband asks for advice, I don't know what to say.  Everything that I've read about N trait managers basically advises getting another job.  My husband doesn't see this as an option for now.  Is there something else that has worked for any of you when dealing with an N or N trait manager?

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Mapleleaf14

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Re: Husband's manager
« Reply #1 on: April 24, 2016, 04:16:20 PM »
Almost- ugh, your poor husband! I've been through this situation myself. Like most everything online, the best option is getting out. But I had to wait about 8 months before I could get out and I barely made it out alive. I was having major anxiety, depression, stomach problems and my health just went haywire in general.

The first thing I advise is that he put nothing in writing. My boss used instant messaging to communicate with his employees in a quick way. He tried to trap people into making mistakes through those messages then he would save them in the system where everyone could see them.

My boss used a spy in the workplace to keep tabs on me and I eventually found out that that person was flat out lying about things I supposedly had said. I advise that your husband try and figure out if there is a spy and then disengage from that person all together.

Be on time every day, do not give any reason, no matter how small, to be put under the microscope.

Save all emails and messages to a thumb drive. Make allies with others in the workplace who are experiencing the same abuse, but don't talk about the situation at work. Use these people as a reference when it is time to leave and offer to be their reference as well.

Ultimately, I had to leave. PDs choose their victims very carefully and I would guess that your husband might have (awesome to regular people) traits that made him a target for the PD. He should not, under any circumstances, blame himself. That is what caused the most damage to me - being gas lighted and falling for it, blaming myself, until I woke up. Slowly, I built up the esteem to realize that I deserved to work in a place where my traits were appreciated. And once I got to that place, I saw all of the abuse for what it was - very manipulative, covert and petty. So I was able to laugh some of it off.

Medium chill is a skill that takes a lot of practice but works well. But you cannot fall for ploys to get you to break down the medium chill from flying monkeys that will inevitably show up.

Best wishes to your husband, he deserves so much better.

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kiwihelen

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Re: Husband's manager
« Reply #2 on: April 24, 2016, 06:39:11 PM »
How big is his workplace? If it is big enough to have an HR officer he needs to have a chat with them and find out his options. If it is small and his manager is the company owner it is much harder but I've got some strategies that help?

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almostthere

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Re: Husband's manager
« Reply #3 on: April 25, 2016, 05:17:13 PM »
I'm afraid that it is a very small office.  They work just across the hall from one another.  I think this is one of those things he'll just have to gut out until he finds an opportunity elsewhere. :-[

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kiwihelen

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Re: Husband's manager
« Reply #4 on: April 25, 2016, 11:03:29 PM »
The most important thing your hub can do is control the dynamic of the management processes. If the boss is in the habit of saying "Do X" then blaming him for not doing Y, he needs to take note of date, time and request then send an email saying "just confirming at this date and time you requested I do X." Please respond by email within Z  time if this is not what you are wanting. "
This kind of paper trail means that gaslighting is reduced. If two things are asked for at the same time then he needs to ask if there is a priority and again confirm it by email.
It's high risk but csn be used for wrongful dismissal

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clara

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Re: Husband's manager
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2016, 11:51:03 AM »
Been there, more than once.  In my experience, these people never last. They do a lot of damage in the meantime, but eventually someone higher up the chain of command notices that something is wrong because the manipulation can only last so long.   These managers are never good or effective and in time, it shows.  But meanwhile, you have to protect yourself and the best way I found of doing it was to give them nothing except your work.  Don't be pulled in to their attempts to be friendly in the hopes that you'll say something incriminating either about yourself or another, don't be tempted to socialize, and don't put anything in writing except as it relates to work.  Don't be emotional, ever.  These people prey on emotions and enjoy the sense of satisfaction they get when they successfully manipulate someone.  They seem to go from person to person, trying to find the one they can set up to knock down.  But in the meantime, what's happening to the work?  Often they're just letting their responsibilities go in the hopes they can blame someone else when they're called on it.  If you stick to your job and don't get involved unnecessarily in their work, then you can never be blamed for what they're not doing (or it's extremely difficult to do so and may be seen as not worth the effort).   And even if you can't escape their attempts at blame and coercion, just stick to your guns about the truth of the issue and maintain your distance.  If they say you did something and you didn't, say "No, I didn't" and nothing more, or stick to lines like that.  It's a shame anyone has to deal with such garbage while trying to make a living, but you're dealing with someone who has a problem that doesn't go away when they're at work--they're dealing with their disorder 24/7 and thus make you have to deal with it, as well.