New Here

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little fish

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New Here
« on: April 23, 2016, 05:50:21 PM »
I'm new here so I'm not sure where to start. I believe my MIL is a narcissistic, this is just a belief not a diognoses, as I'm not a expert or in the field of medicine. I have witnessed my MIL's "me, me, me" behavior for over twenty plus years.
I came across this site and wanted to share some of my story due to a HUGE  argument we had recently.
Without going into to much detail my DH and I have recently seperated, he has been verbally abusive for years and I finally had enough and left.
Due to difficults in finding a place to live I moved back in, but told DH he needed to leave, so he moved into MIL and FIL's house.
He is currently going to councillors and anger management, while I'm not 100% sure about staying in our marriage, I am being amicable toward him.
He sees our children on the weekends so I pretty much have sole custody, this is not determined by the courts it is a separation agreement.
My husband took our eldest child to his parents for the night, with the intention of bringing our child home to me the next day.
Well this didn't happen and my MIL said she would bring our child home, I wasn't very happy about this as it wasn't our arrangement.
But I let it happen, I told my DH when she arrived I didn't want to be in the room so I went outside.
My oldest child came out to say hello and then went back into the house, my DH, MIL came out with our youngest.
DH told me MIL didn't want to leave as FIL was napping and she didn't want to disturb him, so she wanted to stay for an hour. I said no due to the fact she has been saying nasty things to my husband, like I chose to be a single mother (DH tried to explain why I was tired). I work outside the home and do 100% of the house work, I asked DH to politely ask her to leave as I was busy and had to get ready for work.
So I left it up to him, I walked inside with our youngest child and started getting ready for work.
MIL comes in the house a few minutes later and asked if we could talk, I said
"No, I don't feel like talking right now".
She then whined that she hadn't done anything wrong, so frustrated at her lack of respect for both DH and myself I blew up.
A months worth of anger boiled inside me and I told her how everything she says to her son gets told to me, she denied saying anything.
She also wanted for DH to cut me off financial, this is her common tactic when we argue make out I'm to blame.
At the end of the argument she turned to my eldest and said "I'm sorry Mummy yelled at me first".
I screamed at her to get out of my house, she left then and I broke down in tears. I was shaking so much my DH had to calm me down, my eldest did say "Mummy I heard grandma say she hated you" (this was said to my face only two weeks ago, disguised as a joke). MIL denied that too .
« Last Edit: April 23, 2016, 06:25:14 PM by little fish »
I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all of the time.
Anna Freud

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gettingstronger

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Re: New Here
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2016, 06:53:39 PM »
little fish,

Hello and welcome to OOTF.  It sounds like pressure has been building up for a long time with both your husband and MIL.  It is hard to deal with that kind of pressure and then have someone cross your boundary again.  It's like the straw that broke to camel's back.  Emotional abuse is so frustrating to deal with because it is so easily denied as your MIL is doing.  The problem is that you can't control your MIL or husband's behavior.  You can only control your behavior.  I think in this situation, a little bit of Medium Chill  http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/medium-chill would go a long way in dealing with both of them.  Medium chill is a way of dealing with someone else's drama with a little bit of emotional distance of your own.  I found that with my family of origin I had to back off a little bit emotionally with my concerns of what my family was doing or not doing. I had to learn not to let my happiness depend on what someone else is doing or not doing. I know that is a lot easier said than done because these problems have been building for a long time.  We have two boards on here that I think you will find to be helpful:

Chosen Relationships
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=38.0  PD Inlaws

If you look at these two boards you will find people you can talk to who are in similar situations.  Also feel free to check out Top 100 Traits  .  Hopefully that will be helpful also.  Take care.




Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...  It's about learning to dance in the rain. - Vivian Greene

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little fish

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Re: New Here
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2016, 07:19:26 PM »
Thank you gettingstronger for your welcome, I will read about medium chilli and visit those forums you suggested I have found I am happier without DH and I've been able to not rely on him to find my happiness.
IMO I think that is why MIL shows so much distain for me (she sees I can cope alone), how dare I reject her son it's like she has rejection issues.

I'm thinking more clearly and can get more done without either of them around, I've been putting up with a lot for my children and your right that slap was what broke the camels back or woke me up. My children shouldn't have to suffer that type of abuse, either verbal or physical and the fact that my MIL condones it scares me, I don't trust her with my children.
I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence, but it comes from within. It is there all of the time.
Anna Freud