Poll

Do you think it would benefit the board to add a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Worling on it board?

YES
NO

Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board

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hhaw

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I don't know how difficult it is to add another board, and I'm not saying it should happen.

I'm asking if posters believe it would benefit the board to have a Support Only CTWOI addition to the Forum.

In all honesty it would be a relief to identify posters seeking support only, and those seeking advice, and experiences from all camps.  It would save everyone, but the mods, time IME. 

Sorry Mods :bigwink:

Thanks for voting,
hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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FeliciaStoppedDancing

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2016, 01:57:06 PM »
Hi. I don't post much anymore,  but I continue to read the boards as I navigate my recovery from my abusive stbxuPDh and NPD parents. I've been in therapy for almost a year, have a professional background in criminology, and have been diagnosed with C-ptsd.

With that being said, I am OOTF, but still in the early stages of recognizing and addressing my codependent traits, and haven't been actively posting much because one of my biggest co-d issues is fixing. . . So while I can understand the recent posts about feeling attacked or having others use "you should. . ." statements, I do not agree that the mods need to make a support only board, as it may create a culture of enabling instead of empowering. Some of the most hurtful/blatent/triggering responses to posts, IME, end up resonating with me later on, and while I believe posters need to follow the forum guidelines, I wouldn't wish to have responders be sensored by such subjective terms (ie, only "supportive" replies).

I am all for respecting the guidelines and respecting people's choices regarding their relationships with pwPDs, but I dont agree that being respectful and being supportive have to be mandated. Enabling, IME, often masquarades as being supportive, and many of us here already struggle with codependent behaviors.

"Those who habitually enable dysfunctional behavior are often referred to as co-dependent. It’s a telling word, because an enabler’s self-esteem is often dependent on his or her ability and willingness to “help” in inappropriate ways. This “help” allows the enabler to feel in control of an unmanageable situation. The reality, though, is that enabling not only doesn’t help, but it actively causes harm and makes the situation worse." Here' a link to the article I quoted, perhaps it explains it better than I. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-anatomy-addiction/201207/are-you-empowering-or-enabling
You may write me down in history 
With your bitter, twisted lies, 
You may tread me in the very dirt 
But still, like dust, I'll rise. 
                                 - Maya Angelou

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hhaw

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2016, 02:49:43 PM »
FeliciaSD:

I agree 100% with you.  I think we do benefit when we're open to all opinions, and input/experiences from other board members, which would still be available on a regular CTWOI board.

Nice to see you posting again: )

hhaw



hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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FeliciaStoppedDancing

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2016, 03:53:04 PM »
Thanks, hhaw, for your reply,  and for all the in- depth advice about how to prepare for separation and divorce from a pwPD. My stbxh has been as difficult and ridiculously petty as you have repeatedly advised the forum, and your posts have helped me tremendously, with both preparation and emotional detachment.
You may write me down in history 
With your bitter, twisted lies, 
You may tread me in the very dirt 
But still, like dust, I'll rise. 
                                 - Maya Angelou

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142757

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2016, 02:13:33 AM »
I don't think another sub-forum is needed. "Committed to Working on it" should let any adult know what the poster is looking to do. If the reader doesn't agree with it, they should keep it to themselves. At the same time, a poster should realize real help doesn't always come in a form we want. It always comes in a form we need.

"Somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb."

Adam West (Batman)
9/19/28 - 6/10/17

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2016, 09:09:01 AM »
Please take note of the Committed board "About this Forum" thread - link below. The intention of the Committed board is for those Commmitted to staying in the relationship and those who would encourage one to leave the relationship should not post that advice to those posting on that board.
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=19.0

Moderators are reviewing the sticky to be sure it's more clear.

Each forum board has a sticky outlining the purpose of that particular board and if there's any special note needed on how that board operates differently from others.
« Last Edit: April 20, 2016, 09:14:02 AM by Spring Butterfly »
· Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage. Plan accordingly, make time to heal
· Individuation is the key to emotional freedom
· It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
· If others were self observant, introspective, this forum would not exist

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TalenCrowhaven

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2016, 02:19:22 PM »
I've been sitting on my hands with this one.

Just went through this with a friend of mine.

By not supporting the abuse, she saw me as unsupportive. Even simply not talking about the abuser, was seen as unsupportive. I love her, but I will not support self harm and denial.

We're not talking about a place to discuss whether or not there is hope in a given relationship. This is support of staying in the FOG.

Sorry for being blunt.

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hhaw

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2016, 07:32:16 PM »
At the same time, a poster should realize real help doesn't always come in a form we want. It always comes in a form we need.

I don't understand the above.  I'd like some clarity please.

Feliciastoppedancing:
I hope you'll ask for support when you need it from the board. 
::sending fierce support and strength::

hhaw

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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xredshoesx

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2016, 09:35:05 PM »
when i first started posting (and some of this was going on at another forum) i got a lot of people that commiserated with me and validated my experience which made me feel less alone and not so isolated, but the advice that made a significant difference to me was the advice that i didn't necessarily want to hear, but it was what i needed to know if that makes any sense.

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xredshoesx

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2016, 09:44:33 PM »
i think that making the sticky more specific would help.  we know that the posters in the committed section are working extremely hard to preserve their relationship with their PD/uPD loved one.  we can all be a little more sensitive to the fact that advising someone to leave is not appropriate in every situation, especially when someone is posting on the committed boards in the first place,  and it is our goal as a forum to support our members where they are at in their process, regardless if it would be what we would done/ have done in our own situation.


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142757

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #10 on: April 20, 2016, 10:40:37 PM »
At the same time, a poster should realize real help doesn't always come in a form we want. It always comes in a form we need.

I don't understand the above.  I'd like some clarity please.




I think redshoes hit it. Some people look at support as someone siding with them no matter the circumstances. That's not support. That's blind loyalty. Being a "Yes" man.

True support is giving someone else strength to carry on towards the best outcome. Sometimes that comes with agreeing. Sometimes that comes from giving a listening ear. A shoulder to cry on. And sometimes it's a warning that the current course of action is wrapped in danger.

I admire anyone who is trying to stick w/their loved one no matter what. I wish them the best & will do what I can to help them reach their goal. But some situations are not worth the effort. The chance of failure, like with my ex, is 99.9%. And some could actually end with someone dead, even innocent parties & kids. A person who wants to stick it out might be doing everyone more harm than good & they need to hear that too. The choice is ultimately theirs. But it's best to at least hear the warning when making that choice.

When I came up here 2+yrs ago, my goal was to find a way to fix my marriage w/my PPD wife. Divorce was not an option. I felt it was the right thing to do since I made a commitment to her & God. No one here told me to run. But I did have a number of people tell me how difficult it would be to make it last. If they had told me my relationship was doomed, which it was, I wouldn't have listened. I wasn't ready. What I got was advice, information, personal stories of failure, commiseration, etc. Support. No pushing in any direction. Support.

Over the months, I gradually came to realize there was nothing I could do. I was ready to admit defeat. My conscience hurt me. Still bothers me from time to time. But once I got out of the forest & saw the trees, I realized how the strain of trying to make it work w/my ex was killing me. I was suicidal. I ended up in the hospital w/chest pains. I still have trauma. There is no way God would have wanted me to stay in a situation like that. He knows I'm human and there is only so much I can take & do. He wouldn't want me to stay married until it kills me. But if I wasn't open to hearing any point of view at the start, only what meshed with my point of view, I could be still in that situation. I could be dead by my hand. I could have lost it & attacked her. All kinds of bad. No matter how noble my effort was, trying to stay w/my ex was the wrong move and only delaying the inevitable.

"Somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb."

Adam West (Batman)
9/19/28 - 6/10/17

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hhaw

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2016, 11:55:23 PM »
142: 

Thanks for the providing clarity.  This is a difficult topic, and I don't mind saying it's a bit triggering for me to visit the WOIB, though I do enjoy reading threads with very level, in control posters handling their pd's well.  I always learn something from them, and it makes it more difficult for ME to post.... "Leave, leave, leave, leave."  '

Reading those posters' experiences made it easier/possible to accept some people may choose to stay with pd individuals, and that can be OK too.  I think I couldn't say that before reading those threads. 

I hope you're healing, 142757.  The kind of trauma you've endured isn't healed easily, I know.

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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142757

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2016, 12:24:39 AM »
Thanks & yw. I'm healing day by day. I feel like sometimes I'm not making progress. But I always recommend reading the posts you made when you first came on board. I do that time to time when I get mad at myself for getting down. I see then how far the 2016 me has come from that 2014 wreck.

And if anyone feels I come on too strongly, my apologies. My heart beats like a teddy bear, but I type like a grizzly.
"Somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb."

Adam West (Batman)
9/19/28 - 6/10/17

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hhaw

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Re: Poll regarding adding a SUPPORT ONLY Committed to Working On It board
« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2016, 01:22:27 AM »
142:

This is as good a place as any to practice boundaries, and conflict resolution in a safe environment.   

We learn more from conflict.  At least that's my experience, and I know I've said that at least once recently, but it's true. 

And you're right..... looking back over our old posts is like looking through a journal.  We can see how far we've come.   

Congrats on growing your grizzly.  It's good to learn how to assert ourselves in the right way, for the right reasons, at the right time, IME.   When we don;t know how......... there's going to be a learning curve; )

hhaw
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt