All sorts of feelings. Grieving.

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Rosina

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All sorts of feelings. Grieving.
« on: April 27, 2016, 02:14:16 PM »
   I have been in contact recently with two of my cousins one whom lives out-of-state and one whom lives in-state.  I am in more frequent contact with the out-of-state cousin, through Facebook messenger.  I have just a few Facebook message contacts with the in-state cousin.  We all got together face-to-face recently for a visit in the state that the in-state cousin and I reside in.  Another family member also tagged along.  I noticed during the visit that I didn't get a chance to visit with out-of-state cousin much, but this cousin has been communicating more with in-state cousin and is closer in age, so I didn't let it bother me.  Most of my Facebook messages with out-of-state cousin have been deep and lengthy in regards to family dysfunction.  Most of the talking during the face-to-face visit were of the same nature.   I am estranged from my Father and Sister as well, and in-state cousin filled me in on what has been going on with them.
   We all went to visit a family member who had been in an institution for about 20 yrs.  My estranged Father has been a guardian to this person.  The cousins and I recently found out where this person was and we all went to visit.  During the course of the visit, it was revealed that this person was sexually abused for a long time by a sibling and it was known to the Mother.  I am sure others probably knew as well.  This institutionalized family member was visited less than 3 times during this whole time and in fact, the institution is within driving distance of many family members.  Located in the same state as myself and in-state cousin.
  After the visit, things cooled down with out-of-state cousin, not even a Merry Christmas or Happy Birthday even though my birthday is in the same month and within a week.  I found out that in-state cousin was going to approach my Father about some sort of paperwork pertaining to the institutionalized family member.   I asked both cousins about it and they were evasive.  In-state cousin sent me a Facebook message accidently that said I was asking if they were going to try assume guardianship.  This implies a dialog between these two cousins.  I offered to visit with in-state cousin since the environment is rather overwhelming and help with medical issues since I am in the medical field and not so much as a "Thank you." 
   I did visit this institutionalized family member once, but it is a long drive away and you have to sign in.  My Father is violent and has been known to engage in stalking behavior.  This is why I hoped this cousin would assume guardianship.
   So, recently, I sat down one morning to read my hometown newspaper online and there was this institutionalized relatives obituary.  Neither of them contacted me!  Out-of-state cousin said that my recent right phone number was accidently deleted, but that she had tried calling/texting at least 5 times.  Why she didn't try Facebook messenger or call the other cousin who had the right number, I don't know.  I know that I was lied to and that I did not matter.  Also, in-state cousin did not even try to get ahold of me.  So, I unfriended her.  Out-of-state cousin gave me her tales of woe about how busy she has been and she didn't deserve the way I was attacking her.   I have not unfriended her.  I think its too much for me right now, as they were both my only remaining attachment to my family.  I might add that after my Mother died, I was not able to get much sentimental items from Mom's house.    I feel like I need just to process all of this and it just all hurts too bad. 
   I was close to this institutionalized person in my early years.   There was time for me to get to see them before they passed and it was taken from me.   Not much of an obituary either, just the name, hometown, and age.  This person did not deserve the life they lived at the hands of others.  I plan on visiting the grave at a later date as part of healing.  I think that a cut-off with out-state-cousin will follow.
« Last Edit: April 27, 2016, 02:22:33 PM by Rosina »
Laugh and the world laughs with you.  Weep and you weep alone.     Voltaire.

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FinallyPeace

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Re: All sorts of feelings. Grieving.
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2016, 05:53:54 PM »
I am very sorry about your cousins and family member that passed away.

I would do exactly what you are doing...back away and get your bearings.  You don't need to be hurt by them further.

 :bighug:
"Behind the smile, a hidden knife!"
― Ancient Chinese saying describing passive-aggressive behavior
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Bloomie

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Re: All sorts of feelings. Grieving.
« Reply #2 on: April 28, 2016, 11:54:24 AM »
Rosina - I'm sorry you found out about your family member's passing this way. It must bring up a lot of past pain as you process this.