16 years of emotional abuse

  • 2 Replies
  • 472 Views
*

Penguins992

  • New Member
  • *
  • 4
16 years of emotional abuse
« on: May 04, 2016, 12:04:14 PM »
I'm a doctor, I am emergency medicine board certified. You would think I would know better, but I have lived for 16 years with a narcissist emotional abuser. I never knew. He slowly chipped away at me. After our marriage he told me he couldn't get an erection so we have never had sex. He told me it was from Desert Storm, he went to the doctor but nothing could be done. I of course believed him, I had made a promise so I stayed. I worked hard over the years, 160-180 hours month of rotating shifts, there was a lot of fatigue. He loved my money. He was a police detective.
 I had been thinking of leaving for the last 6 months or so, but didn't want to upset our family. Over the last 3 years he had been horrible to me, I had breast cancer, fought infection for a year and my dad died. Evidently I wasn't giving him enough attention so he turned to an old girlfriend who lives in Holland. He asked her to move here in fall to winter of 2013. He was also on match.com.
I found all this out after he had a stroke at the age of 50. I was going to help him through it and we were going to get closer-haha. I found pictures of the old girlfriend, I found pictures of his erect penis on his phone, I found little cartoons-" the love is" variety. a
screenshot of  "american marrying dutch". that evidently been sent and he didn't know the phone had saved them. Multiple kiss face pictures. He was more romantic with her than he had been with me for over 13 years. He has severe expressive aphasia, receptive aphasia. He can't talk to me he can't discuss this. I have tried to talk to him but he sometimes understand and sometimes doesn't. what makes this hard is he has become very sweet and affectionate. He notices i cry, he hugs me, he helps me do things, he carries things for me. All of these things he's never done before. He tells me he loves me. It is incredibly confusing. Did the stroke rewire his brain?? Is this the new him?? I just don't understand.

*

practical

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 7020
Re: 16 years of emotional abuse
« Reply #1 on: May 04, 2016, 01:49:10 PM »
Welcome to OOTF!

I'm so sorry you had to make these very painful discoveries and are now not able to talk to your H about your situation due to his stroke. Do you have access to a therapist? This sounds like such an incredibly difficult situation to be in on so many levels. I'm very sorry he was not there for you when you needed him, but rather added to your emotional pain. You must have felt very lonely. 

You will find a very supportive and caring community here, and while I don't think anybody here can tell you whether your H's current loving behavior towards you is the new him and is here to stay - I guess that would be a question for his treating neurologist maybe? - you will get a lot of help, validation and understanding for your situation from other members, who have walked on a similar path. There are several boards you might want to check out and possibly get involved with: Chosen Relationships , and as I'm not clear whether you are planning to stay or leave also the following two: Comitted to Working On It   and Separating and Divorcing .

A resource you might find very helpful is the Toolbox     , which is focused on you, how you can grow and heal and deal with being in a relationship with a PDperson.

I hope you are in remission for your breast cancer.  :bighug: See you on the boards!
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

*

Penguins992

  • New Member
  • *
  • 4
Re: 16 years of emotional abuse
« Reply #2 on: May 04, 2016, 02:18:34 PM »
wow! thanks. Everyone thought he was such a great guy when I had the breast cancer but it lasted about 2 months and I was sooooo grateful, rather than just expecting it like a "normal" marriage. I think it soon got boring and he stopped playing the concerned husband, and then I was on my own again. although I walked on eggshells during his "care"I was afraid it would go away and it did.  I am currently in remission and hopefully will stay. I'm 4 years out now. I do have a therapist I see weekly.