A little (or longer) presentation

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Ghost Ashes

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A little (or longer) presentation
« on: May 06, 2016, 09:58:19 AM »
A little (or longer :roll:) presentation

Hello,

Iím 31, living in a long relationship (10 years) with my partner and now her -recently moved in- 20 year old son.

Iíve distanced myself 10 years ago from my parents, first by moving to my partner's flat, than we moved abroad.

When turning 20, I was at verge of suicide, because my life was a pure lie, especially on my identity level, and I couldnít make it further that way. But some vital info came just in time and made it possible for me to realize I could be on the outside the person I was on the inside.
This was the trigger for me to start living and making real choices- and not anymore only painfully surviving. It also was the time it became clear, my close relatives were quite (or completely ?) disinterested in my happiness and growth, and this opened my eyes. My world shattered to pieces on one hand and, on the other, was rebuilding in unexpected ways, very much from the inside out.

I realized how toxic my family was. Mainly a combination of four types Susan Forward defines as toxic parents : Godlike, Inadequate, Controller, Verbal abusers.
It seems like most of my close family are showing personality disorder traits or have at some stage and in different ways. For some, possibly as a result of the family legacy of toxic beliefs.

Until very recently, Iíve long thought I was sick, mad, crazy, and may be I am, but Iím working daily to become a little more conscious and avoid allowing further pain to myself and others around.
Itís been a long process and I start to feel that Iím indeed getting somewhere.
Current friends and my loved ones really do love me and care but I find it hard to talk with them about past, parents, brothers, inner state, etc... It's a complex and dark topic which really is something I don't want to 'burden' them with. They know mainly I'm concerned how I might reproduce some reaction mechanisms from my family legacy and that I work through these to become adequately respons-able and not anymore reactive.

A month and half ago, something in me finally truly opened up and welcomed at least a moment all damaged parts, all my selves trying in their inadequate and tragic ways to "save"/"protect" me, often by throwing me on the knees before and in fear anyone would do and hurt me.
I felt deeply sad, but also glad to uncover these, as well as truly compassionate, because I know they don't mean bad and they've been forced to erect those defences in an attempt to defend my soul.

While I write this,-though I need support (separating from parents, reconnecting with brothers)-, an old mechanism wakes up and tries to deny/minimize all the past and current situation. However let's be until the end the black sheep among the flock and put out all this, hopefully the Out of the FOG community can help me with that.

I often wondered what a normal family was like, if a normal family was what i experienced with mine, as we had no physical abuse and drug/alcohol/other addiction issues. May be I was exaggerating all along and still am?
But why come all of us seem to suffer to some extent in various ways?

I feel like an orphan after an incident with my parents two weeks ago, and in a way I'm relieved, another part is unsure, etc. One part gets intensely brought back to the twin alike fusional relationship I used to have with my first (younger) brother.

Me distancing ten years ago was possibly one of my best decisions in life.
Newly reconnected ĎCore Meí asks if the current break up is not a favor they're doing me? what would be so bad about considering myself as an 'orphan', compared to before having inadequate parents?

I will stop here for now.
Thanks for reading and have a nice day

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practical

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Re: A little (or longer) presentation
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2016, 10:51:58 AM »
Welcome to OOTF!

You have already done a lot of work yourself to regain your life, which is amazing and wonderful! I'm so happy you made it through the dark period 10 years ago and have found people who love you, truly appreciate and see you.

I think it is not uncommon after some realization about the past, that feelings of FOG - fear, obligation, guilt, - come up. Whatever realization you had, it made you move further away from your family, and so the FOG is trying to pull you back in. The best thing is to realize you are having this reaction as you did. If you haven't already, you might want to read more about FOG in the Toolbox     and many other topics you might find helpful as you continue to heal and grow.

I don't think there is anything bad about considering yourself an orphan. It might mean you are giving up hope of ever having parents who love you unconditionally, who connect to you on a emotional level. And there doesn't have to be physical abuse or drug abuse in a family for a child to feel abused, emotional abuse is quite powerful and damaging. You might want to read this post to help you understand more about your own abuse http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=13369.0

As you go forward please check out all the resources you find under the various tabs at the top and look at the various boards. The Unchosen Relationships   and Working On Us   boards might be good places for you.

I'm happy you found us and I hope to see you on the boards!
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Ghost Ashes

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Re: A little (or longer) presentation
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2016, 12:00:43 PM »
Thanks for the warm welcome and the few links.

The very first sentences of the You carry the Cure in Your heart do bring a lot of emotions up (in particular a very deep sadness and connection to what I read, and I keep having to break the reading in small fragments to avoid being overwhelmed, despite all the work Iíve done Ė I know these things but they keep resonating deep through me- or may be because of all that work)
We carry the cure in our heart, I do know this is true, our Core self knows to heal itself if we let him/her do the job and fulfil our needs.

Fear-obligation-guilt are literally dissolving away from me since I turned 20, but now the higher gears are kicked in, as the need for clear toxic free joyful space grows. I stopped to beat myself unconsciously up for so many things a month and half ago, and as a result I tolerate no more of insanity from sources I gave up hope they will change.

I will read and get active on those boards and links you shared, Thanks very much

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Bloomie

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Re: A little (or longer) presentation
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2016, 01:32:38 PM »
Hi Ghost Ashes - Thank you for sharing a bit of your healing journey to this point and what brings you here. It seems like the perfect time to engage in this wonderful community of folks who do understand in a unique way, what you may have experienced.

Something that has been healing and cathartic for me when coming here is to read in another's story - in black and white - here on the forum, my own story and experiences. To hear another put words to emotions and define behaviors I had no words for or definition of, has been a powerful step in my healing journey. I hope you find that to be true for you as well.

I agree that from the ashes of our past experiences that have deeply wounded us, we can find "cure" and "healing" within ourselves and in community with others. I am thankful you have made your way here and look forward to supporting you as you journey on. We welcome you!
"You can understand and have compassion for someone and still not want a relationship with them."
Amanda E. White, LPC @therapyforwomen

Bloomie 🌸

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Ghost Ashes

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Re: A little (or longer) presentation
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2016, 03:48:59 AM »
Thanks for your welcome, Bloomie

I completely agree.
Reading the stories of the members will hopefully help distinguish patterns, put words to emotions,visceral pain and worthy intuition.

I'm looking forward to the time I'll spend here. ;)