Would appreciate advice on sister's spiteful public FB messages

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Meow_Meow

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So I woke up today to find my sister had trawled back 5 years (!!) in my FB history to find a post where I misattributed the author of a famous victorian book. I mistakenly stated the author, promptly realised the error, corrected it & joked they should take my literature degree away. Her jab at the time was 'Do you even REMEMBER your degree?' (it was over 10 years ago), which, of course I do? I played it off as a joke but she must've been trawling through my timeline last night because she wrote underneath it 'A low moment for [Meow_Meow] 5 years ago!' now.

My question here is, my mum is usually the one with the abusive behaviour, and my sis has suffered under her just like me (though I'd say not quite as badly as I was the SG). She (sis) has always had depression, and has been medicated for it for about 15 years now. But these kind of attempts to jab and wound, and especially to publicly humiliate (FB audience of hundreds) are now becoming her MO. She does it often and seems to like seeing people squirm/hurt/humiliated. My friend told me she'd subjected her to the same kind of treatment when they used to catch the train together about 10 years ago. I'd now say her personality matches my mum's (who I'd guess is on the NPD end). Is this normal behaviour for someone just with depression, lashing out? Or is it possible that she's developed a personality disorder (or it was there all along) through being depressed and constantly in the company of/abused and manipulated by my mum?

Lastly, given that ignoring her jabs and passing them off as jokes hasn't worked in decreasing the frequency of her nastiness, what strategy would you suggest for dealing with this behaviour? Is it worth confronting/retorting etc or will that just escalate this caustic bullshit?

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momnthefog

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Re: Would appreciate advice on sister's spiteful public FB messages
« Reply #1 on: May 07, 2016, 09:20:10 AM »
My experience is with BPDd and social media.

Confrontation typically escalated the issue.  She once posted a very nasty post to my Facebook Wall.  My response (after it was deleted by me) was to unfriend her.  That REALLY ticked her off, but as I told her, my FB page is mine and I reserve the right to remove anything I want from my wall or my posts.

I've removed other "friends" who hijack my posts or who post long rants ... it's my page and I get to manage and monitor. 

Just my .02.

momnthefog


"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Terichan

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Re: Would appreciate advice on sister's spiteful public FB messages
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2016, 12:20:16 PM »
Meow_Meow, it's hard to say why your sister is starting this kind of behavior with you now, it really sounds like it's mean and uncalled for.

If it were me, and we're looking just at the Facebook issue, I'd delete the comments right away. Eff that, it's your wall and you get to decide what stays on it. So what if she doesn't like that? YOU don't like her posting a bunch of publicly humiliating insults on YOUR wall for everyone to see, so shut that stuff down.

And if it didn't stop the behavior, I'd unfriend her. And yeah, if that makes her mad, point out that she made YOU mad. Your feelings matter just as much as hers!
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

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trying2understand

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Re: Would appreciate advice on sister's spiteful public FB messages
« Reply #3 on: May 07, 2016, 06:06:07 PM »
If you don't want to stir up much crap with her, you can restrict what she sees on your Facebook page instead of completely unfriending her.
Just Google "Restrict Facebook" and you should get a post from Facebook Help titled "What is the Restricted list?" that will tell you how to do it. Sorry, I am unable to post the link here.

Really sorry she did something so childish. :(

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YvelCity

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Re: Would appreciate advice on sister's spiteful public FB messages
« Reply #4 on: May 07, 2016, 08:17:21 PM »
I have a similar situation and have disallowed my sister from posting on my wall, although I'm not sure she knows yet.  My sis posts long descriptions of my heinous behavior on her own wall, so be aware that there is no stopping someone who REALLY wants to say something.  I never respond in any way because I don't want to feed the monsters.  But it is upsetting and I wish she would move on.  You have my deepest sympathy.

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Bloomie

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Re: Would appreciate advice on sister's spiteful public FB messages
« Reply #5 on: May 07, 2016, 10:15:38 PM »
Hi Meow_Meow - I moved your thread from The Welcome Mat to Dealing with PD Siblings and Other Family Members in order to maximize the responses to you from this community that can really relate to what you are going through.

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Meow_Meow

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Re: Would appreciate advice on sister's spiteful public FB messages
« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2016, 11:24:22 PM »
Thank you Bloomie (and everyone who's responded). So far I've had her on my FB as we have a "friendly" relationship (i.e. had someone to bitch to when mum pulls stuff) but it seems like those days have been over for a while. She's not happy that my husband and I are now doing OK financially (after a decade of struggle), that we move around the world for work/holidays, that we're married and happy together, so we both get little jabs from her every so often, usually in the form of her trying to call me stupid, or 'dependent'. I'm mostly exasperated as to why I'm even on her mind - I live more than 8,000 miles away from her and am living a completely separate life, I don't bother her at all.

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Bloomie

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Re: Would appreciate advice on sister's spiteful public FB messages
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2016, 11:31:13 PM »
Meow_Meow - It really can be when our lives are distinctly different from our siblings that we notice this kind of covert and overt competitive, jealous behavior. I don't know if this is your experience or not, but in my FOO the minute we were no longer very much "the same" and had more success or took a different educational/career path this really ratcheted up this kind of snide, nit picking attacks. It really hurts. I am sorry this is happening.

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Meow_Meow

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Re: Would appreciate advice on sister's spiteful public FB messages
« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2016, 11:41:28 PM »
Yeah, we actually hosted her for a short stay about a year ago in our country, and she was offended that I was drinking water but she was drinking soda, that kind of thing that seems so inconsequential you can't really get your head around what the problem is? But ANY difference at all is interpreted as criticism of her choices, and it is exhausting.  :(

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Candywarhol

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Re: Would appreciate advice on sister's spiteful public FB messages
« Reply #9 on: May 10, 2016, 03:22:15 PM »
Sorry that this is happening to you Meow-Meow.
I've experienced similar but more covert things of that nature from my two sisters. It all only really kicked off
about three years ago - with one of us in her thirties, and the other two in their forties, I would have thought that
we were all old enough to know better but unfortunately not, it seems.

"you can't really get your head around what the problem is?"
Richard Grannon (thespartanlifecoach on Youtube) has a video called Why Your Family Hates You. In it he makes a point
that as soon as anyone in a dysfunctional family steps out of the dynamic, breaks the tradition, rises above or (unintentionally) does anything to make the others feel "less than", the sh** hits the fan and they start to pull out the knives. You can't do anything about the way they feel about themselves but they will (sometimes covertly) punish you for doing your own thing, having a healthy relationship, getting a qualification or even making more self-loving food choices ;).
What they do hurts but I think it helps to know what the psychology behind that might be.
I notice too how it can be so easy to spot issues like this in other people's stories where we often seem to have a blind spot
with our own - the emotions and triggers take the upper hand.

I blocked my sister on FB without meaning to. I was intending to stop her stuff appearing on my page but did something wrong. She probably sees this as a victory, having gotten to me and gotten a reaction but that's her business. I feel that part of healing is to stop
thinking what they might be thinking or what their motivations are but it's so hard!

I hope you find a way ;) ;)

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bunnie

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Re: Would appreciate advice on sister's spiteful public FB messages
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2016, 03:31:39 PM »
I would ask :

"What is it about that 5-year old post that caused you to comment on it today? Slow news day?" (well maybe you can leave that last bit out...lol)   True, she might escalate.  But then, ask, "Why are you so upset? I'm asking what caused you to remember that post, quote it, and comment on it 5 years later?" 

When she keeps escalating, "Seriously, I'm curious, when you have an answer, please let me know."  And then leave it at that.  She probably will never give an answer, but she will know that you're not going to let that crap go unchallenged going forward. 
To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize - Voltaire