Do I try to talk to/convince my sister or leave her to NPDmother?

  • 4 Replies
  • 952 Views
*

Serendipity12

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 97
So I'm due to see my sister (alternatively SG and GC, currently GC as I have gone no contact with npd mother), for lunch this week.  While she and brother in law have both, in the past, talked about how they can see what npd mother is like, and my sister has certainly suffered the silent treatment and other forms of psychological abuse, as I have, they have been more restrained (guarded?) with me and my family recently. I have always asked them to simply keep communicating, so that I and they'd can hopefully pre-empt any smear campaigns from my mother who hates it when we get together.  However, my sister has always been more in the trall of mother than I have. Do i try to salvage this relationship or do I just let it go? It's such a shame as after along time of not speaking we got back together over a shared experience of cancer which makes me feel that the resumption of contact with my sister should really mean something.  I also have a lot of evidence of things that my mother has said about he and bother in law in efforts to keep us all apart, but it would be difficult for her to hear it and I'm not sure that she will ever really want to.  Plus doesn't that just take me down to the level of npd mum? But after all is said and done it is constantly hurting at the moment that I think they have the wrong idea of me, and that they only have the npd perspective on everything.  Any opinions on where to go from here very gratefully received!!!  :)

*

alonenow

  • Guest
Re: Do I try to talk to/convince my sister or leave her to NPDmother?
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2016, 05:08:41 PM »
Growing up in a household that I feel had more then one PD person I no longer care what my siblings think about me.
Any time I was in a situation with PDs again ( worked with many) I must have looked like chicken little running around trying to warn others and show them the way out.
 Often this only backfired on me. It is the clearest example of People needing to SEE it themselves. NOT just a glimpse but a full on understanding of the situation. My siblings at first also discussed with me about MOM they knew to an extent but chose to continue.  Just like a person who quit smoking/drinking or any addiction hanging out with them it became clear that they did not choose sanity yet.
Sometimes I come across someone that had a ah=ha moment and it is a weird feeling I thought I would be excited and I told you so mode but instead I am happy for them and simply feel assured in my decision to seek sanity even if it was much earlier then them.

*

Serendipity12

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 97
Re: Do I try to talk to/convince my sister or leave her to NPDmother?
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2016, 08:33:59 PM »
Yep, I do have the feeling that it just wouldn't matter what I said - she's just not ready or, more importantly, willing to see it. And she'll eventually be the lone family member (together with brother in law) left around my Npd mother. I seriously don't envy them all that situation!

*

skyblue

  • New Member
  • *
  • 15
Re: Do I try to talk to/convince my sister or leave her to NPDmother?
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2016, 04:52:54 PM »
Yes Serendipity when you share what is happening that your sister is just not ready or willing to see it you are acknowleging the situation and seeing what is happening with healthy distance by the sound of it. Which must help in defining your own perspective and empowering your decision in the path you are taking? Some people are just not ready as they are in a different place on theur journey. If/when she is ready she may come to you for support. I have found 'showing' not 'telling' is a way to give someone enough distance for them to see you and your positive decisions in a different light. Hope that helps!

*

Brigid O.

  • New Member
  • *
  • 19
Re: Do I try to talk to/convince my sister or leave her to NPDmother?
« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2016, 06:41:44 PM »
I admire and appreciate "alonenow's" thoughtful answer.  I used to do so many things because of what I thought my family was thinking about me.  Now I don't.  I have realized, after 40 years, that "personality disorder," broadly applies to all of them to one degree or another (I hope not too much to me, but who knows, it's hard to evaluate yourself).

My sisters and brothers simply WILL NOT talk about the problems we face from my PD sister -- they just won't.  So if they won't, I am not going to bring up issues surrounding it anymore.  I just keep all communications very very light, breezy and friendly . . . like to amiable acquaintances. 
In my mind, I think of them as my "family emeritus."