PD sibling getting married

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IAmReady

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PD sibling getting married
« on: May 08, 2016, 08:43:46 PM »
I've written several posts on here about my relationship with my uBPD sibling (a younger sister). We have a uNPD father and a codependent/enabler mother, and a nasty streak of toxicity that runs through our family dynamic.

This sibling is getting married in two weeks. She has refused to delegate any of her to-do list to me, I suspect because this allows her to paint me as selfish and uninvolved, when in truth I would be happy to help, and have felt weird to be so far removed from this all-important event in her life (we used to be close).

For whatever reason, she has kept me at arm's length from the wedding planning, and even orchestrated uninviting me to a bridal hair appointment the morning of the wedding (my mother was going to pay for all three of us to have our hair done, and my sister intervened and asked her to uninvite me, because she wants it to be a mother and the bride event only). So, imagine my surprise when she suddenly asks me a wedding favor this morning.

Our first night at the event (two nights before the wedding), we need to come up with food for 30+ people. My sister planned on ordering food from a grocery shop (platters of sub sandwiches) and asked me if I would mind stopping on my way into town to pick up the food and bring it to the house where we're staying (the wedding is taking place in a beach town about 2 hours from our city, with people flying in from all over).

I felt a sick sensation in my stomach when I told her I didn't know if I would be able to do this, as my car is small and I have two adult friends and all of our luggage already in the car with us. I didn't realistically know if platters of food for 30-something people would also fit.

But, I would never just say "no" and that's that. I started trying to troubleshoot other ideas with her. I offered to ask a couple of other folks who were also driving in, if they would mind picking up the food order. No, no, no. This was shot down.

Since she hadn't ordered any food yet, I offered to take over ordering from somewhere else instead (that wasn't so far from the beach house), and I would go pick it up myself, once I'd unloaded my car. No, absolutely not.

And round and round we went.

The only acceptable answer was for me to say, yes, I can somehow fit the food in my car, with the other adults and the luggage. She absolutely refused to let me help her find an alternative. And here came the snide remarks, and the guilt trips, the making me feel as though I were the one being difficult and causing unnecessary drama.

"Nevermind, I'll just have to do it all myself." I could already hear her telling her fiance (a man she's triangulated with me from the beginning of their relationship), all about my petty nonsense and what a headache I was to deal with, and she knew she couldn't rely on me.

I was getting very, very frustrated. I reminded myself that I was dealing with a PD - this one is a master at projecting her own behavior onto you, and making it all your fault.

It's very hard for me, when my sister is showing her PD traits, and generally behaving in a way that's toxic, to not get sucked right in. Coming from a toxic FOO is really the worst. It's still a marvel to me to see the way healthy families operate, and think to myself - Ahhh, so that's what normalcy looks like.

My one consolation is that now, with everything I've learned about PDs, I can see precisely what my sister is doing, and I have a name for it. Doesn't make me want to throttle her any less, though.

How do you keep the toxic family drama from consuming you?
« Last Edit: May 08, 2016, 08:47:25 PM by IAmReady »

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FeliciaStoppedDancing

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Re: PD sibling getting married
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2016, 12:05:27 AM »
I come from a PDfoo, and know from experience how weddings seem to bring out the worst in them.

You said you will be traveling in a car with two other adults. Any chance either or both of them are aware of the dysfunctional dynamics? If so, plan ahead to have a sly code word, gesture, or expression that can help you recognize a PD situation in the moment so you can disengage or at least minimize your own involvement and/or reaction.

My sister, whom I love dearly, has always said, "Not my circus, not my monkeys," when we are suffering the behaviors of our PDparents. So when things start getting dysregulated, she'll start random conversations about trapeze artists, or she (jokingly) accuses me of having lice and looks through my hair. My parents know it's some sort of inside joke, but only we know it is our way of mindfully detaching.

As for your sister and the possibility of her painting you as the unhelpful slouch, just own it. "I wanted to be a wedding planner but I just didn't have the skills. . . Does anybody need a drink or is it just me?" And. Move. On. Any bride who complains or backstabs at her own wedding is going to shock her guests with her poor manners and bad attitude and you need not concern yourself with trying to regulate your familial monkeys because it's a waste of time and effort,   IME.
You may write me down in history 
With your bitter, twisted lies, 
You may tread me in the very dirt 
But still, like dust, I'll rise. 
                                 - Maya Angelou