When your difference becomes a long lasting bone to chew on…

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Ghost Ashes

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When your difference becomes a long lasting bone to chew on…

Intro
What can you expect in a family where everything, even the tiniest, and even non-existing, is causing discomfort, pain, disturbance, reason to victimize, reject, control and attack.
I just ‘made it worse’ for myself. It was my ‘choice’.

Now my parents believe even more I owe them respect, attention, worshipping, etc. After all they didn’t throw me out the house, I should be grateful for that. They ‘accepted’ my situation with ‘grandiose mercy’. Sure thing, it was much better to control me and discourage from escaping out. Throwing me out would have been giving up control and getting rid of the scapegoat who used to be caretaker, listener, fixer.

I did myself two major favors. First not extinguishing myself. Second moving out of this toxic nest.
My deep inner core self knew I could make it through. And it was damn right.
I still untangle myself of inadequate poisonous beliefs but it’s just a matter of time I truly unfold and dissolve each with every new leaf of myself growing from inside out towards the sun.

I reached 19, when I felt like giving up this huge lie I was.
I had tried so hard to be who I wasn’t, then give up, try again, and the system of my family didn’t help, there was no space for me to ask (and find) answers, it was all about listening powerless to parents not ok with life, not ok with each other, not ok with themselves, taking care of brothers as best as I could, making myself as invisible as possible to not disturb my ‘poor’ M and not give my F more challenges with a M taking up the whole energy from the family.
I realized at this stage I would never be outside who was really inside in this shell, nobody would see me for who I was. I couldn’t pretend anymore, live the rest of my life with distorted expectations just because I couldn’t be seen. I turned into this ‘no more’.
My luck is every time I seem to go into ‘no more’, my life unwraps in unexpected ways.
I had sent a message out about how I seemed to be so deceiving to my parents and I was so sad about it. I barely added a line to mention that though I was born female, I felt like a young man.

That was one of my silent struggles over my teenagehood, which I was dealing internally with, as I didn’t wanted to bother anyone unless I had the beginning of a clue of what the heck was going on.

I was attracted to both, from a long time, but I felt so man when it came to women. I couldn’t figure out as who I felt when attracted to boys as a result of society expectation, my romantic love value, prince/princess tales, family close mindness (which I realized only much later, parents idealization was a strong mindset so far) and so on…
When this also clarified, and there seemed no way out of that skin, I had reached the highest stage of how an inadequate child/person I was.

To that message I sent out about me deceiving my parents, an online psychologist replied. She barely said anything about the major part, but focused almost solely on that one brief extra point. She advised to check a few links and that I could be referring to what she knew under gender dysphoria.
The next days were truly a life changing turn. I went from no future into an uncertain but to be attempted future. It was a shock but a life saving one.

I don’t think my parents will ever understand that I was literally extinguishing myself and it was a matter of life or death that I came across that vital info and decided to reenlighten my own fire.

That day I was gifted with the Will to Live.
I could never give up this gift from then on.
But this also opened my eyes in many ways.

I was so relieved to find out there were options out there for me on that level, that I told my 2 years younger brother (who used to be my twin alike fusional brother before teenagehood).
His reaction still today gives me shivers.
Instead of being happy for me that I found some solution to my issue instead of just dumping there my whole young life in despair, he told me that I couldn’t do that. I would kill M and destroy the family. I couldn’t believe it. I was talking about a major issue about me. And he was overlooking my needs, the fact I would be dead by now if I didn’t know about those things, he was only fearfully concerned about my M. M who would be ‘sick’ as soon as upset/challenged. I had spent my teenagehood listening and caring for each, only my 8 years younger brother kept things easy for me. I was there when my brother1 started to display paranoid mythomaniac traits. When my F couldn’t get over the one cheating of my M. Also there for my M eternal sadness and anxiety. I even had to pick her up, when doctor prescribed me to wear an orthopaedic chest brace several years long to prevent my scoliosis to go to chirurgical stage. And so on.
That was my first eye opener. A peak OOTF.

I spent weeks tortured not knowing what to do next. Then it was my F turn. When I told him, he spited such insults to me. I never heard him . I realized that day that my openmindness, consciousness of where others come from, empathy, compassion were not qualities I inherited from my family. I long thought so. In fact my parents were God alike. That day they fell off that step. I saw in that I mainly autoeducated myself and those core qualities came from elsewhere but not from the expected place.
I was really the ‘ugly little duck’, the black sheep of the family. You know what? I started to feel, it was ok to be that little awful bird. Especially with the precious insight they suddenly gave me.
He however still helped me in deep grief and sadness to organize my first appointments with doctors, with I later found out the hope the doctors would tell it was a phase, I was unstable, crazy, etc…

When it came to my M, she was offended I wouldn’t tell her, neither my F what was going on, so I had to tell her. I also insanely had the hope she would be happy for me and supportive. Her reaction was the worst of all. I became the traitor, Enemy number 1. Just when I for once needed them.

They didn’t throw me out. On the contrary. They tightened up their grip on me. They denied me even harsher the right to exist as Me. Before I was a looser heh?  Now I was the Enemy. I was No-thing. I was the Troublemaker.

Interestingly my F was not acting consistent, he regularly supported me to some extent (‘because I’m still his child’), but almost as if in my M’s back.

It took me one year and half to get out of this environment. I’m deeply grateful to my half who accepted to let me move in after only five months relationship. That’s over ten years back around April May 2006.

I might detail further on this subject,

Best vibes to all

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xredshoesx

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Re: When your difference becomes a long lasting bone to chew on…
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2016, 07:44:56 AM »
i can understand some of what you are sharing even though i am hetronormative.

i was raised in two different houses.  in my father's house i was encouraged to just be.  not girl things. not boy things, but just be.  i wore my cousin's hand me downs and did all sorts of active and adventureous things.  no labels, no shaming.

then i was sent to live when my mother's parents when i was about 8.  they had very strict gender roles/ bias and i was only allowed to do 'girl' things, forced to wear a dress, shamed for being who i was because i did not conform into what their belief structure said 'girl' was.  i was probably a mathematical genius at age 10, but since girls aren't suppose to be good at math......

i'm glad you had the strength to get out and to be who you were meant to be and i am sorry your parents cannot accept and love you for who you are.  having a supportive partner has been key for me, i hope your partner is as supportive of you as my husband is of me.

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Ghost Ashes

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Re: When your difference becomes a long lasting bone to chew on…
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2016, 11:48:14 AM »

Thanks  ;) ;D

having a supportive partner has been key for me, i hope your partner is as supportive of you as my husband is of me.
Yes my partner is very supportive of me. We're mutually supportive, I realized recently.
After the last incident with my parents and going NC, I got even asked if I would still consider to get married. After ten years and half, it looks like trust reached the adequate level to overcome past experiences on my partner's side. We became our safe place  ;D.

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Ok back to the story:
After I came out about the transgender identity , I also did about the bisexuality at the same time, and got the comment that being lesbian would have been 'ok', when I know clearly it would not have been, let's say T was a worse issue than L or B to them, but if T would have never been brought up, than L would have been the worst... If one thing is not causing an issue, it would be something else.

Being B or G as a T person was the upmost absurdity to them, they didn't understand these are two separate planes, one is sexuality/attraction -and I happened to be able to love someone regardless of their gender/appearance and so on- the other is about identity.

They started both to tell me I was either sick  :no: or that it was finally my teenage crisis kicking in  :o ::) (as i never acted rebelled as a teenage, on the contrary… weird, wondering why, heh??) and they started to live in the hope i would grow out of this phase, that doctors would dismiss me too, even if it meant diagnosing me as mentally ill, and that strong control, silent treatment, stronger emotional punishment, blaming, guilting etc, would sooner or later make me change my mind.

What they didn't realize is the more they acted this way, the more I opened my eyes to what family system I was in and coped with for years. Because this time I was the explicit direct target. I started to care for my needs, to have a sense of self, and this was NOT ok.
I had no escape or recovery time anymore to deny what was going on. It was as if my cage shrank suddenly down (or that I grow to such extent) that no vital space was left between me and cage bars. Whenever you blind yourself you don’t see the bars, but when they get pushed into your flesh, well it’s hard not to acknowledge their presence, yes? 

But this was ok. So much more ok then being in the fog and not understanding what was going on all previous years and being driven insane.

Not going the way they want: Doctors didn’t diagnose me with any mental illness. They also didn’t say it was a teenage crisis. They acknowledged and supported me, mainly regarding my family. My F sent me to another psychiatrist, convinced mine was ‘on my side’. This other confirmed in written the first psychiatrist’s conclusions to my F.

Denial and reality distortion: When I was about to introduce my partner (who understood later he/she was gender fluid), because it was a man, my M assumed the ‘matter’ was solved, I was back to ‘normal’. She said how awful I was to make them go through this bullshit, with dedain and resentment. I clearly stated that my partner considered me as man and we were in a G relationship, fact I never hid.
As my F stated a few times, if I was getting sex with a man, I would suddenly feel woman. I will not share the words he used for that.

‘Curing’: ok I was used to a lot of criticism, belittling, silent treatment, indirect manipulation, but one day my M wanted me to try this short skirt of hers in high heels. As I went perplex and telling her this was really not my thing, first because too short, second because well I was a guy, she went cold enraged. She gave me no choice. Try. And go around the neighbourhood dressed this way. The intention behind it was so cruel I felt like being assaulted, dirty, in shame. The problem for me was clearly not to be dressed this way (though I really never wore anything so short (and never have since)), it was the symbolic ‘rape’ of my identity and body. And the tenacity she had to, who knows how, submit me to her will.

Breaking the ‘bond’:
They rarely physically abused me. They did punish and hit me for bad scores younger. My M hit me also for things she thought I did (but didn’t). But I can remember only once together. I had been ‘provocative’. Might be true. Does it entitle them to do this? No. They came up to me with no words. One grabbed and hold me, the other was hitting me. As I crashed down to the ground, they pulled me by the hair to drag me over the floor. In front of my brothers still at the table. One finally reacted. I can’t even remember which. But I will never forget that moment. The intense fear. Pure fear of death.

I’ll stop for now.

Best vibes

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practical

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Re: When your difference becomes a long lasting bone to chew on…
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2016, 10:32:41 PM »
I just wanted to say: Thank you so much for sharing your story! It really touched me. I admire how you have grown beyond the hold placed on you by trying to force you into a role while denying who you are, and also beyond all the pain caused to you.
“If I’m not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I’m only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Ghost Ashes

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Re: When your difference becomes a long lasting bone to chew on…
« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2016, 09:18:33 AM »
I just wanted to say: Thank you so much for sharing your story! It really touched me. I admire how you have grown beyond the hold placed on you by trying to force you into a role while denying who you are, and also beyond all the pain caused to you.
Thanks for your kind words

I was (and still am) lucky. After all I felt cornered in all possible aspects (which was leading me to the very drastic and ‘last possible’ conclusion and response) but I was ‘saved’ by a few kind helpful outside words. These were showing me a door to fly through at least on one aspect. I didn’t realize this door would also lead me to solve/heal other ‘planes’. Which is great, yeah?

For sure I gave them an excellent ‘reason’ to pursue with their destructive ways.

The latest is that they ‘won the battle’ of me not coming to my niece’s baptism early June.
I put ‘won’ because my brother and me decided, it just wasn’t worth the hassle, for him, for us travelling a long way, for his wife and her family, if my parents plan to throw a huge drama about just anything, as it happens every time. Or to silently resent, sulk, feed negative energy and so on.

I/we plan to visit him, his wife and daughter in August.
Inconvenience : Extra costs, double trip to birth country (as I planned a visit to my partner’s M following baptism and now the visit sits on its own in June, not seeing SIL family.
Benefits : I feel a genuine connection re-establishing with my brother, which we likely might both enjoy and share, if we don’t involve our parents in the mix anymore.


Emotional and verbal abuse:
In the past (before my ‘announcement’), most painful used to be :
_events : birthdays, inviting someone or getting invited, anniversaries, M and F day, and so on. It was meant to end up in clashes almost inevitably. It’s still a strong ‘tradition’
_strictly unavoidable meal times (3 times a day), as we had to sit together and not leave table until told. If my M was in a depressed or angry mood, it was meant to be a meal without any words, just very ‘polite’ manners and worrying anything would suddenly turn bad for whatever reason, like not sitting straight enough, not being fast enough to hand this or that.
Even when she was ‘ok’, you had to tiptoe around her. Anything could trigger her either into isolating into her room and requiring absolute silence because she was ‘sick’ or snapping. If you would move one ear or breath too loud, she knew from upstairs, and it was a criminal offence.

It switched to be constant through body language, especially tears, deeply ‘sad’ depressed or angry enraged eye contact (which might be the reason I’ve so long be eye contact avoidant, even with persons I’m comfortable with and have to make still an effort to combat this habit of turning eyes away) every time we would come across each other in the house.

Another switch was from words ranging :
_lazy, useless, looser, beyond help, weak, whimp, overly sensitive, numb, dumb, doesn’t care, dreamer, clumsy, negligent, stupid, gross, roadtrucker, never will achieve anything, incapable, failure, and so on
_into ’monster’ ‘abnormal’ ‘not my child’, ‘insane’, ‘ungrateful’, ‘bad’, ‘mean’, ‘horrible’, ‘killing me/ your M’, ‘hurting so bad intentionally’, ‘destroying family’, and so on…

This eventually extended to my partner who was labelled (and still is):
_lazy, a dead weight, alcoholic, incompetent, taking advantage, money drain hole, useless, and so on, interestingly quite a few words are in common with my original labelling too.

They have no interest whatsoever to see my partner or his son, they strongly dislike them (even though they never saw the son and saw may be five times my partner in ten years) but most of the time they pretend it’s opposite way around. And regularly I get really hateful words about them.

And then they go on about how family is the most important value, how they will support me whatever problem I have, welcome me back home, but because my close ones are not from their blood, it’s not their concern and they will ‘let them die miserably on the roadside’, they’re here only to ‘take care’ of me.
I never got myself in financial issues, I was a bit short at some stage due to low salary but that was it, so I can’t understand those comments, apart from being their manipulative, emotionally and verbally abusive ways.

Best vibes