I thought was finally NC, too, and then she just left a message! Groan!

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countrygirl

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Hi,

I was just writing to another poster about your experiences of NC with our PD friends, sharing our thoughts about being NC, when my PD friend called here.  I couldn't believe it when I saw her number on my caller ID.  Then she left a message, as if nothing had happened, asking me to call her back. 

Yesterday, I thanked four people here for giving me advice and support about not resuming contact with her.  I was starting to feel sad about not having contact, and all of thees four people were so helpful in telling me why I shouldn't "go there."  I was feeling so much stronger, but now that she's reached out, I am tempted to phone her back.  In my earlier post, I wrote about how we still have a few leftover expenses from a business partnership, and how I had decided to pay both our shares rather than resume contact with her.  Now I don't know.   I wish she hadn't called. 

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VividImagination

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Re: I thought was finally NC, too, and then she just left a message! Groan!
« Reply #1 on: January 25, 2017, 10:21:24 PM »
What has her call changed?
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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Malini

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Re: I thought was finally NC, too, and then she just left a message! Groan!
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2017, 05:02:12 AM »
Are you tempted (like when you see pretty clothes or tasty food for example)  or do you feel an obligation?

I learned on this board that you don't HAVE to return calls. How crazy is that? You can actually act as if it had never happened and stay the course.

I'm always surprised how 'shameless' PDs are. They really feel no shame and will often continue to try an reinitiate contact when they should be thinking about what they have done to push us so far as to not want any more contact with them for our own wellbeing

'Groan' means, 'oh no, now I have to think about what to do, how to handle this, question my decision'
We are sometimes so programmed that to not respond goes against a lot of learned behaviours or if we're not programmed, it goes against our values of common human decency.

But you don't have to do any rethinking, wonder how you will handle HER feelings, because you have decided that NC is the best for you. Not as a punishment against her, but as a way of respecting and protecting your precious self.

Going NC is never easy. Take care.

"How do you do it?" said night
"How do you wake and shine?"
"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

'I think it's important to realise that you can miss something, but not want it back' Paul Coelho

'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky

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countrygirl

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Re: I thought was finally NC, too, and then she just left a message! Groan!
« Reply #3 on: January 26, 2017, 10:37:02 AM »
Hi Vividimagination and Malini,

Thank you for your replies.   

I posted in a panic yesterday after hearing from my PD friend, so wasn't clear about the situation.  I was in a business partnership with her, and there are a few loose ends with that.  I'd been wondering whether I should call her just to check in, and everyone was so helpful in talking me out of that.  But I'd also been wondering whether I was obligated to call her about some business matters, including some possible expenses.  Last night, I discussed this with another friend, who said that if I was willing to shoulder the possible bills myself, that I was under no obligation to discuss it with her, especially since she hasn't asked about anything to do with the business for four or five weeks.  (She left me to manage everything in the so-called partnership.  Then became angry because I wouldn't pursue other business "opportunities" with her.  The only opportunity they presented for me was more work.) 

I also feel that Malini hit the nail on the head when she spoke about feeing that you should act a certain way out of common human decency.  This is what had caused me to wonder whether I was doing the "right" thing in going NC, because I have known this person forever.   What you said was very helpful:  "But you don't have to do any rethinking, wonder how you will handle HER feelings, because you have decided that NC is best for you.  Not as a punishment against her, but as a way or protecting and respecting your precious self."  Dealing with her has exhausted and frightened me, and stressed me out physically.

And you're correct Malini, about such people not thinking about what THEY might have done to cause us to withdraw.  I have told her straight out what she has done, but that doesn't matter either.  It's all about what SHE wants, and that is someone to visit.  In fact, she has even said she just "wants to be around people."  When her other longterm friend dropped her, she went to the woman's house, and when the woman didn't answer the door, my PD friend sat on her steps for hours.  She told me this herself, in a totally flat tone of voice, not depressed, just stating a fact.  Whatever SHE does is normal, and since everything is about getting what she wants, whatever she has to do to get it is normal, by her lights.  I only hope she doesn't show up on my steps...

On a lighter note, I like the quotations both of you have at the bottom of your posts!

Thank you for your replies and support.   I am finding this whole process very difficult, and had so hoped she had finally gone away.   

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VividImagination

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Re: I thought was finally NC, too, and then she just left a message! Groan!
« Reply #4 on: January 26, 2017, 11:30:28 AM »
Then your plan of action is clear: pay remaining obligations so that you do not have to speak to her and continue NC.

NC is actually rather freeing. As long as you stick to the plan, you no longer have to worry about the pitfalls and minefields of navigating life with a PD. Just stay the course and ignore.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do, so damn well do what's best for you.

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Adria

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Re: I thought was finally NC, too, and then she just left a message! Groan!
« Reply #5 on: January 26, 2017, 01:10:48 PM »
Yes, I would say ignore as well.  Because contacting her will only be like stepping in quick sand. She will have you right back where she wants you and then you will have to start all over again.  These people are master manipulators, and our brains have a hard time understanding their ways.  But, it seems they are always one step ahead of us for their own selfish gain, and we always end up scratching our heads how we got sucked in one more time.  Sorry, it's so hard.

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countrygirl

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Re: I thought was finally NC, too, and then she just left a message! Groan!
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2017, 01:47:38 PM »
Thank you, Vividimagination and Adria.

Yes, I do just have to stay the course.

I particularly like the quotation:  "Never wrestle with a pig.  You just get dirty and besides, the pig likes it."  And it's very appropriate for my friend, because she has two pet pigs.  HA!   Also, very appropriate because I  she absolutely loves to get into rumbles with people.  I would say it's her favorite thing to do.   

You are right, Adria, to remind me that these people can be master manipulators.  With her, it's all about having "people to be with."  I guess you could say that's what it's all about for most of us, but most of us care about the people we are with.  She does not form attachments; she just wants someone with whom to do activities.  I have to remember that:  She doesn't even miss me in particular; she misses having a place to visit.     

Despite all that I have said, I am finding it somewhat difficult not to slip back into calling her, because that is what has been familiar for so many years.  But doing so would result in "a world of trouble." 

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Adria

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Re: I thought was finally NC, too, and then she just left a message! Groan!
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2017, 03:31:19 PM »
Countrygirl, That is so funny that she has two pet pigs ;D. I am laughing so hard.  Ya know, if it's going to be really hard for you to not call her again, maybe do it. Get it out of your system. Maybe it will take a couple more times for you to make your final decision.  Sounds like you are not quite sure yet, and that is okay.  Just be aware that it could be another trap, so don't be surprised if it is.  But that is okay, too, as each time you come in contact with her, you may come to realize that she is not someone with whom you want a relationship with.  Best wishes.

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countrygirl

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Re: I thought was finally NC, too, and then she just left a message! Groan!
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2017, 06:34:59 PM »
Hi Adria,

Isn't it something about the pigs?  I love Coyote's quotation about why you shouldn't wrestle with pigs, and then thought, hey, this REALLY does apply!  Ha!

As fate would have it, I have to talk with her, for financial reasons, so your advice about going ahead and calling her arrives in a timely fashion.  Coyote and another poster recommended I read "Medium Chill," so I will apply those techniques when dealing with her.  I did, in fact, call her this morning, and left a message, but she called back when I couldn't talk.  I'm giving myself the weekend off, and will deal with her next week. 

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Adria

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Re: I thought was finally NC, too, and then she just left a message! Groan!
« Reply #9 on: January 28, 2017, 01:34:58 PM »
Countrygirl,
Yes, it is something about the pigs! I am laughing again:)  too funny! Coyote's quote is so true. It hits right between the eyes.  I just read "Medium Chill" yesterday and printed it for my son.  Wow, that is awesome!  Definitely going to keep that one in mind.  Hope it goes well.  Keep us posted.